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Joke Thread

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121 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 20:56

Sluffy

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Admin
Reebok Trotter wrote:I joined an internet dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I said " Girls from Page three."

I wondered why I had no replies, until I realised that the letter P wasn't working on my keyboard.



122 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 21:47

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Ha Ha. On a similar theme, this one made me laugh. Placing an advert over the phone is fraught with danger.

http://youtu.be/tBBJ8iOnUGQ

123 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 21:51

largehat

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Ha ha RT.

That advert reminds me of the time Larry Davos phoned in a newspaper obituary in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Beloved Aunt', there was a typo with the first letter of 'Aunt'. Awesome.

124 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 21:53

Sluffy

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Admin
largehat wrote:Ha ha RT.

That advert reminds me of the time Larry Davos phoned in a newspaper obituary in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Beloved Aunt', there was a typo with the first letter of 'Aunt'. Awesome.

Look at the post one up from RT's!

125 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 22:09

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Methinks LH has been on the strong stuff tonight!

126 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 24 2012, 20:32

bwfc71

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
My Mrs was preparing a fry up this morning when she had a seizure. She foamed at the mouth, shook and ultimately lost consciousness. I didn't know what to do and started to panic. Then I remembered: Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for £3.99.

127 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 27 2012, 10:57

wanderlust

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
What's got two legs and bleeds?


Half a kitten.

128 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 28 2012, 18:42

gloswhite

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

129 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 31 2012, 09:46

gloswhite

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.


3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.


5. Trying to debate with Man United supporters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

130 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 31 2012, 12:59

Numpty 28723

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Andy Walker
Andy Walker
I went to the supermarket this morning and bought one potato, one egg and one banana.

The girl on the checkout said: "I bet you live on your own, don't you?"

"As a matter of fact I do", I said, "How did you know?"

"Cos your so fucking ugly" she replied.

131 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 06 2012, 12:43

aaron_bwfc

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Moderator
Moderator
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

132 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 14 2012, 21:21

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
The Queens corgis are delighted that Prince Philip is back at the palace. They wont get blamed for peeing on the sofa anymore.

133 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 15 2012, 09:38

bwfc71

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

134 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 15 2012, 10:56

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
My wife had one of those near death experiences last night.................

The silly moo thought she could hoover while the football was on..!!

135 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jun 18 2012, 11:07

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally , I had a little peek as I handed them over.
" Would you like the negatives?" I asked.
" Yes, please." he said sheepishly.
"Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse." I replied.

136 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 19 2012, 12:25

gloswhite

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'




The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal..'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments...'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'


137 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 19 2012, 14:24

wanderlust

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
And the Lord went unto the English and said "I have Commandments"

"Commandments?" they said. "Like what?" they said.

"Like Thou shalt not commit adultery" sayeth the Lord.

"Bit f******* late for that. We've been conquered so many times we wouldn't exist without adultery. Now f*** off.!

138 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 21 2012, 11:21

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Breaking news.... Wayne Rooney has just tested positive for a performance enhancing rug.

139 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 21 2012, 19:28

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me that I have a split personality and charged me £84. I gave him £42 and told him to get the rest off the other fcuker.

140 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jun 23 2012, 22:54

Banks of the Croal

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

141 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 24 2012, 19:18

gloswhite

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
I took the wife to this disco, kinda dance club, last weekend.

There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works".

My wife says to me, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! "

142 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 26 2012, 21:27

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
My wife said to me, " Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?"

I replied, " Yes, I can, it's because you are a nosey cunt."

143 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 26 2012, 21:28

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's now on it's last legs.

144 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 26 2012, 21:30

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. The Doctor said, " I bet your wife is not pleased."

I replied, " You are damn right there. Its been getting on her tits."

145 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jun 26 2012, 21:33

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
My 3 year old son was trying to open a yoghurt pot this morning. After a few minutes he started getting stressed and shouted, " Stupid effing twatting lid."

My wife looked at me and said, " Now where has he got that from?"

Quick as a flash I replied, " From the fcuking fridge!"

146 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 28 2012, 19:10

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I saw her standing there and I told her she had three beautiful children.

My mistake.

She didn't have to get all pissed off with me. It was an honest mistake.

147 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 29 2012, 12:15

Spillthebeans

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Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka


OK Can someone tell me which one of those houses belongs to that Psycho Mother Fucker

148 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 02 2012, 19:00

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
There is no pleasing some people. My wife asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently, " Don't worry babe, your tits cover it " wasn't what she wanted to hear.

149 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 08 2012, 00:41

largehat

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
I've just seen the Director's Cut of a porn movie. The guy fixed the washing machine at the end.

150 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 08 2012, 01:40

Whatsupdoc


David Ngog
David Ngog
Two blokes and a girl walk in a pub, order three drinks, they are the only three in there, so the barman strikes up a conversation, so what have you all been up to today, first guy, well I have had the most wonderful day I have been up Daisy Hill for most of the day, and it was a most pleasant experience, and what about you he said to the second bloke, well I too have been up Daisy Hill for most of the day, and it was an extremely pleasant experience, so he turns to the girl, have you been up Daisy Hill too my dear, no replies the girl I am Daisy Hill.

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