Joke Thread

I'm not suggesting that my wife is a tart but the label in her knickers says 'Next'.

Have you heard the one about the Pakistani joiner called Ahmed Ashed?

I'm on the new O2 plan...

Unlimited Smoke Signals
250 Pigeons a month
Free messages in a bottle to other O2 customers

I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

OneOinCoyle wrote:I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

Keegan wrote:Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

Not mine either but here are some more

They say downloading movies is killing the movie business, but going to the cinema is killing people.
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Fourteen people shot dead at Dark Knight Rises premier?
Here's betting at least one of the orphans becomes the real Batman.

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I hear the audience at the Batman screening in Denver didn't see the whole film. They only got through one or two clips.

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The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me.

All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about.

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Just heard about the shooting in Denver,
am I the only one wondering where the fuck batman was when they needed him?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?'

I do like your jokes OOIC, that Babestation one had me chuckling for days.

I am going to start tweeting some of these jokes, so keep them coming...

The shorter the better! Twitter has a maximum of 160 characters.

A woman goes to the doctors and asks for sleeping pills for her husband, ''why'' asks the doctor.....''because he's woke up''

My daughter's school had decided to host a cricket match the other day, boys against girls.
After sitting there for a couple of hours waiting and watching the boys
batter the ball all over the place, the wife jumped to her feet all
excited.

"Look! Look Jim!" she squealed excitedly. "Our Jenny's come on!"

"No, love," I had to explain. "That's just a stain from rubbing the ball to make it shiny."

INTERNET WARNING

If you receive an e-mail purporting to contain a nude photo of Susan Boyle DO NOT open it!!

It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about, Abdul?” Asks the Imam.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies Abdul. “I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised – we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!”

“By the most Merciful,” exclaimed the Imam, “you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?”

Abdul grimaced, “By the Jinn, I do not know – I never found her head.”

An Arab buys a camel and he proudly decides to ride it around his local pub carpark, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
“Nice camel mate,” One of the drinkers commented, “Is it male or female?”
“It’s female!” said the Arab.
“How can you tell?” said the drinker.
“Well,” the Arab explained, “on the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out, ‘Hey, Look at the dirty, smelly cunt on that camel!”

Reebok_Rebel wrote:AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR ..

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

Hahaha

We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day.

One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying...
"No pets allowed," she turned to me and said:
"What shall we do about the pet skunk?"

I replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know."

She then asked me:
"What about the smell?"

And I said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!"

How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?