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Joke Thread

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151 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 08 2012, 22:56

Copper Dragon

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
I'm not suggesting that my wife is a tart but the label in her knickers says 'Next'.

152 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 08 2012, 22:57

Copper Dragon

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
Have you heard the one about the Pakistani joiner called Ahmed Ashed?

153 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 12 2012, 13:22

bwfc71

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
I'm on the new O2 plan...

Unlimited Smoke Signals
250 Pigeons a month
Free messages in a bottle to other O2 customers

154 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 19 2012, 21:02

Guest


Guest
I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

155 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 19 2012, 21:23

Reebok Trotter

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
OneOinCoyle wrote:I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

Very Happy

156 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jul 21 2012, 23:58

Keegan

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Moderator
Moderator
Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

157 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 22 2012, 11:45

Guest


Guest
Keegan wrote:Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

Not mine either but here are some more

They say downloading movies is killing the movie business, but going to the cinema is killing people.
--------------------------------------------------

Fourteen people shot dead at Dark Knight Rises premier?
Here's betting at least one of the orphans becomes the real Batman.

------------------------------------------------

I hear the audience at the Batman screening in Denver didn't see the whole film. They only got through one or two clips.

---------------------------------------------------

The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me.

All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about.

---------------------------------

Just heard about the shooting in Denver,
am I the only one wondering where the fuck batman was when they needed him?

158 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Aug 05 2012, 20:55

Guest


Guest
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?'

159 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Aug 06 2012, 10:43

Natasha Whittam

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I do like your jokes OOIC, that Babestation one had me chuckling for days.

160 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Aug 06 2012, 20:14

BoltonTillIDie

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John McGinlay
John McGinlay
I am going to start tweeting some of these jokes, so keep them coming...

The shorter the better! Twitter has a maximum of 160 characters.

161 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 07 2012, 17:42

aaron_bwfc

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Moderator
Moderator
A woman goes to the doctors and asks for sleeping pills for her husband, ''why'' asks the doctor.....''because he's woke up''

162 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 08 2012, 11:03

Guest


Guest
My daughter's school had decided to host a cricket match the other day, boys against girls.
After sitting there for a couple of hours waiting and watching the boys
batter the ball all over the place, the wife jumped to her feet all
excited.

"Look! Look Jim!" she squealed excitedly. "Our Jenny's come on!"

"No, love," I had to explain. "That's just a stain from rubbing the ball to make it shiny."

163 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 08 2012, 11:10

Guest


Guest
INTERNET WARNING

If you receive an e-mail purporting to contain a nude photo of Susan Boyle DO NOT open it!!

It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

164 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 08 2012, 11:28

Numpty 28723

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Andy Walker
Andy Walker
A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about, Abdul?” Asks the Imam.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies Abdul. “I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised – we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!”

“By the most Merciful,” exclaimed the Imam, “you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?”

Abdul grimaced, “By the Jinn, I do not know – I never found her head.”

165 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 08 2012, 11:43

largehat

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
lol!

166 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Aug 13 2012, 16:16

Numpty 28723

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Andy Walker
Andy Walker
An Arab buys a camel and he proudly decides to ride it around his local pub carpark, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
“Nice camel mate,” One of the drinkers commented, “Is it male or female?”
“It’s female!” said the Arab.
“How can you tell?” said the drinker.
“Well,” the Arab explained, “on the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out, ‘Hey, Look at the dirty, smelly cunt on that camel!”

167 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 15 2012, 16:16

Reebok_Rebel

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR ..

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

168 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 15 2012, 16:22

BoltonTillIDie

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John McGinlay
John McGinlay
Reebok_Rebel wrote:AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR ..

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'



Hahaha

169 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 15 2012, 16:36

Guest


Guest
We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day.

One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying...
"No pets allowed," she turned to me and said:
"What shall we do about the pet skunk?"

I replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know."

She then asked me:
"What about the smell?"

And I said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!"

170 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 15 2012, 17:01

WhiteBic

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Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

171 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 15 2012, 17:26

xmiles

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
WhiteBic wrote:How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

As per Jimmy Carr, it's the most outrageous stuff that stays in your memory.

172 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Aug 18 2012, 18:50

aaron_bwfc

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Moderator
Moderator
A dad goes to the doctor and asks for his daughter to be put on the pill.

Doctor:- ''Is she secually active''

Dad:- ''No she just lies there like a boring cunt, like her mum''

173 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Aug 18 2012, 19:30

Mr Magoo

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Owen Coyle, I win best joke.

174 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Aug 18 2012, 19:40

LeedsWanderer


David Lee
David Lee
Todays game

175 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 21 2012, 11:11

Guest


Guest
My mate has just started a business in Afghanistan, selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

176 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 21 2012, 15:19

Keegan

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Moderator
Moderator
A little boy looked up at his father one day and said "Daddy, what is a pervert?"

The father looked down at his son and said quietly -
"Shut up and suck."





(On his pacifier, you pervert!Very Happy)

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

177 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 22 2012, 14:17

Angry Dad

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
I heard an asian man referred to as a dinge in a joke the other day, anyone heard that description before i looked it up on google but nothing

178 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Aug 24 2012, 02:18

jayjay23

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Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
WhiteBic wrote:How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

I really still do not get it, read it ten times.

Al the others killed me though! lolld

179 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Aug 26 2012, 13:07

Guest


Guest
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

180 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Aug 26 2012, 13:09

Guest


Guest
My wife was undressing for our annual anniversary sex.

As she took off her top, she said, "You're about to release millions of sperm into my pussy, you know?"

I squirmed, "For fuck's sake love, some things are best left to the imagination."

She laughed, "Okay, sorry, I'll stop talking!"

I said, "No, I mean put your top back on."

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