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Joke Thread

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61 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 03 2012, 12:21

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents, "this is Amanda" his dad jumps up and says "shes a f@#kin what"

62 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 03 2012, 12:25

Spillthebeans

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Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
What do Disney World and Viagra have in common
They both expect you to stand around for hours for a 2 minute ride

63 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 03 2012, 12:30

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer........great she sighs........some arsehole's got my pen

64 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 03 2012, 12:49

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A guy goes into the Pharmacy and asks for Viagra, the chemist says " I need medical proof that you need it ". The guy says " will a photo of the wife do"

65 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 03 2012, 13:15

Sluffy

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Admin
Hello and welcome 'Beans'.

Very pleased that you've finally decided to post with us.

You've got some cracking jokes there - have you got any more to tell us?

66 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 04 2012, 22:42

Natasha Whittam

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Spillthebeans wrote:A guy goes into the Pharmacy and asks for Viagra, the chemist says " I need medical proof that you need it ". The guy says " will a photo of the wife do"

Ha ha, I like that one Very Happy

67 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 12:48

wanderlust

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
An oldie but sickie..



What's the difference between a lorryload of sand and a lorryload of babies?













You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.

68 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:03

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Father Fitzpatrick lets the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity. Asked how he felt afterwards, he replied, " It feels a bit weird but it makes my cock look bigger."

69 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:06

Guest


Guest
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

70 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:07

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A Hicktown Hillybilly and his son were watching an 18 rated film and his son said, " Jesus Dad, I'm getting scared, is that lady going going to die ?"

The father replied, " Probably son..........judging by the size of that horses tackle."

71 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:08

Guest


Guest
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, "Turn around."

72 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:15

Guest


Guest

Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After
dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?


Husband 2: Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember
there was no electricity so I had to light f*cking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another f*cking hour.

73 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 13:47

wanderlust

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
What's the difference between love and herpes?



































Herpes lasts a lifetime.

74 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 05 2012, 20:12

Keegan

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Moderator
Moderator
John heard the door open and saw his 16 year old son, Tom, walk in - slightly drunk. John said "Are you alright, son?" Tom replied "I'm great, Dad - I just had sex for the first time!" John was quite proud of his son and promised to buy him a new bicycle at the end of the month when he got his salary. Tom replied, "That's fine, Dad - I won't be able to ride it before then, anyway!"

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

75 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Mar 06 2012, 21:16

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Pippa Middleton has just won the rear of the year competition. I was just wondering how to enter it!

76 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Mar 06 2012, 21:31

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
three old dears are sitting chatting on a park bench when out of the blue a young guy wearing a long jackets stands in front of them and flashes his goods, two of the old dears have a stroke and the third one couldn't reach

77 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 07 2012, 15:59

wanderlust

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Recycled for Hater:

A young Blackburn couple were getting married and as the evening reception drew to a close, they announced that they were going to retire for the evening.

As they walked up the stairs of the Golden Cup she leaned towards her new husband and whispered gently into his ear "I do hope you are going to be gentle with me darling - I'm a virgin."

The young lad turns to her and says "Here's the room key babe. Just go ahead and make yourself comfortable - I'll be back in a couple of minutes." Off he rushes back down to the reception and drags his dad away from the bar into a quiet corner.

"I need your advice Dad. She says she's a virgin. What should I do?"

Dad thinks about it for a minute and says "You should leave her son. Immediately."

"What?" says our boy. "But I can't leave her - I've only just married her!"

Dad looks him straight in the eye and says....















"Look - if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours."

78 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 07 2012, 20:28

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
It's my stepsons birthday today so as a surprise I have left an extra tenner in my coat pocket.

79 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 10 2012, 00:03

Guest


Guest
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said,
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said,
"I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

80 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Mar 13 2012, 10:42

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Paddy hates his wifes cat so much that he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home it's there.

Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home it's there again.

So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. Six hours later he rings his wife and asks, " Is that fcuking cat home ?

" Yes, why ?" replies his wife.

Paddy says, " Put the cnut on the phone, I'm lost."

81 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 14 2012, 17:02

Guest


Guest
"Have you done a sex video with your wife?" I said to my mate in the pub.

"Yeah of course!" he said.

"Me too!" I said. "I've got an idea: when we get home, you send me yours, I'll send you mine, we can knock one out then delete them. What do you say?"

"You're on!" he said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and hurried home.

That was a week ago. I've not spoken to him since....................

Maybe he felt a bit awkward watching me fucking his wife

82 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Mar 15 2012, 11:28

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A prostitute told me that I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.

Intrigued, I asked how we would do it ?

She replied, " Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

83 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Mar 15 2012, 15:12

wanderlust

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
...which reminds me...

Two Nigerian doctors (I suspect they were Ibos from their accents) were having an animated conversation in a corridor in Townleys. "It's Wuuuuumba" insisted one. "No way. It's Waaaaaaamba" replied the other.

A passing colleague, on overhearing this butted in. "Excuse me folks but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and in fact the correct pronunciation in English is "Womb""

The two doctors looked at each other, turned towards their colleague and said......















"How the f*** do you know what a hippo farting underwater sounds like?"

84 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 17 2012, 16:46

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Archaeologists have made a major discovery in Egypt. They have found the tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate.......
his name Pharaoh Roche

85 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 18 2012, 16:58

Guest


Guest
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school."What's your name?" asked the teacher."Mohammed," he replied."You're in Britain now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."Mohammed returned home after school."How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked."My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Britain and now my name is Kevin.""Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.Then she called his father, who beat him again.The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises."What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked."Well ma'am, shortly after becoming British, I was attacked by two Asians."

86 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 18 2012, 20:13

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I bought a new aftershave today. It smells of breadcrumbs....... The birds love it.

87 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 18 2012, 20:29

Guest


Guest
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

88 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Mar 20 2012, 19:55

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
The jokes have started already.

Owen Coyle spoke to Fabrice in hospital today. On the news Coyle stated that it was a private matter.

The conversation was:

Coyle, "Chelsea beat Leicester and Torres scored twice."

Fabrice, "Fcuk me, how long was I out ?"

89 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 21 2012, 12:15

aaron_bwfc

avatar
Moderator
Moderator
Ha, wasn't sure where that was going but fair play it was pretty good. Very Happy

90 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 21 2012, 14:17

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Another one just doing the rounds.

Fabrices vital signs showed a marked improvement at his hospital bed when it was suggested that Vinny Jones should visit him with his Bee Gees CD.

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