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Joke Thread

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91 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Mar 23 2012, 17:50

jayjay23

avatar
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
OneOinCoyle wrote:The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

These are currently my favourite type of joke. Who is that comedian who does them on tv? Milton something?

92 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Mar 23 2012, 19:12

Keegan

avatar
Moderator
Moderator
My neighbour just screwed in a bulb.

How he got in there, I'll never know.

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

93 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 24 2012, 10:46

Guest


Guest
jayjay23 The comedian is Milton Jones. Them kind of jokes are good because they are easy to remember and tell to people.

94 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 24 2012, 12:14

xmiles

avatar
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
For some reason I can't stand Milton Jones. His jokes always seem laboured and on comedy panel shows he forces them in even though they have little or no connection with whatever is being discussed.

It's not the style of humour I dislike. I think Stewart Francis is brilliant and much funnier than Jones, and he operates in a similar way. However both his material and his delivery are so much better.

95 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 25 2012, 11:18

Biggie

avatar
Admin
xmiles you are dead right. i like the jokes but often feel, like you said, that jones is forcing them and when he does stand up it never quite reaches its potential. Francis is great though. Love his style.

http://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

96 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Mar 25 2012, 11:32

Biggie

avatar
Admin
My Granddad died when e was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
E flat.
I'll have to leave it on that note.

http://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

97 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 31 2012, 13:47

Mr Magoo

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Pinched this from another site, made me laugh, Bolton Hater in mind


.Bloke from Blackburn walked into his 12 year old daughter's bedroom and caught her masterbating with a cucumber.
He was absolutely disgusted, saying, "You dirty whore. I'm supposed to
be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber!"

98 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Apr 01 2012, 21:24

aaron_bwfc

avatar
Moderator
Moderator
Arsene Wenger is a good dancer....

http://fuldans.se/?v=tpoljgeecn

99 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:21

Guest


Guest
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

100 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:39

aaron_bwfc

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Moderator
Moderator
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget



lol!

101 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 12 2012, 17:17

gloswhite

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

102 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 12 2012, 21:51

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Paddy says to Murphy, "why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards", Murphy says "ya thick twat, if they fell forwards they would still be on the boat".

103 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Apr 14 2012, 20:10

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Don't want to make light of a tragedy, especially on its anniversary, but here goes

The look out on The Titanic shouts Captain seagull at 200 yards! Captain replies "we don't take notice of seagulls, to which the look out replies " you will when you see the size of the iceberg the fuckers sat on"

104 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 16 2012, 13:13

trotter1948

avatar
Nicky Hunt
Nicky Hunt
Very bad taste but funny all the same

105 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 16 2012, 19:20

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Woman standing nude says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment," her husband replies " your eyesight is spot on."

106 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 19 2012, 11:09

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, " Windows frozen.."

Husband texts back, " Pour some boiling hot water over it.."

A few minutes later, Wife texts back, " The computer is completely fcuked now."

107 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 19 2012, 17:30

gloswhite

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Paddy bought a blow-up doll, took it home and inflated it. He was back at the shop first thing in the morning, asking for an exchange. The man behind the counter asked why, whereupon Paddy tells him that its a male doll.

He looks at it, looks at Paddy, and ssys, 'You bloody idiot, you've blown it up inside-out

108 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Apr 22 2012, 13:36

wanderlust

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Not so much a joke but a bit of banter with the missus last night when she got back from shopping. She said she's bought a new outfit, but "she wasn't sure if it was really her" So she puts it on and starts parading round the living room in it.
I asked her if it was an impulse purchase and she said yes.
I asked her if it cost a shedload and after a minute or so she admitted it had.
"Then it really is you, babe" I said.

No sense of humour that woman.

109 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Apr 22 2012, 13:38

gloswhite

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient

after an
operation.


She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to

have
a normal sex life again
doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has
ever

asked me that
after

having their tonsils out."

110 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Apr 27 2012, 17:29

Guest


Guest
Joe
took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked Joe. "I only came to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to
the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read
117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I still want to get weighed," she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

111 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 04 2012, 12:42

aaron_bwfc

avatar
Moderator
Moderator
A guy goes into a tatooist and asks for a tatoo of a £20note on his manhood, the tatoosit says ''i've done some strange tatoos in my time but this is the strangest request ever, why do you want a £20note on it?''

To which the guy replies ''for 3 reasons''

''First reason is I just love to see my money grow, the second is I love to keep a hand on my money and lastly my wife can blow £20 better than anyone I know''

112 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 04 2012, 17:50

gloswhite

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Taxi driver picked up a drunken woman, and when she got in he asked her where she wanted to go, and could she pay. She told him where, and yes she could. He drove for about 20 minutes, and arrived at the destination, when he turned around for the money she was there with nothing , with a foot either side of his head, and her legs at quarter-to-three. He took one look at it, and said ' Have you got anything smaller'?

113 Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 05 2012, 00:33

jayjay23

avatar
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
I thought of a couple of joke recently, or maybe prints for on t-shirts...

"I used to have a keen interest in tarmac but now it's flagging"

"When Big Sharps was conceived his mum didn't realise she was making a foetal error"

"I'm a pessimist - it's probably a bad idea"

You can buy them at jayjayswackytshirts.com

Oh and one I heard...

"Better name for a vajazzle = blinge"

114 Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 05 2012, 00:37

doffcocker

avatar
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
jayjay23 wrote:"When Big Sharps was conceived his mum didn't realise she was making a foetal error"

I'll pay good money for that one!

115 Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 05 2012, 14:10

gloswhite

avatar
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
one I saw in Turkey: 'Cover me in chocol;ate and throw me to the lesbians' Did make I larf

116 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 07 2012, 19:19

Guest


Guest
"Hi Mom, it's me."

"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at B & Q?"

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth... Why did you do that???"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault.

"Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.......

117 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 16 2012, 20:55

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Bolton Hater goes to the doctor for his test results. Doc says, " Sorry BH but you've got AIDS."

BH is devastated and asks what to do. Doc says, " Eat a Cumberland sausage, twenty Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts, a tin of baked beans, half a cabbage, a dozen Brussels sprouts, a box of All Bran and a gallon of prune juice."

BH asks, " Will it cure me if I manage to eat it all ?"

Doc replies, " No, but it will give you a much better understanding of what your arsehole is for."

118 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 16 2012, 21:02

Spillthebeans

avatar
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Reebok Trotter wrote:Bolton Hater goes to the doctor for his test results. Doc says, " Sorry BH but you've got AIDS."

BH is devastated and asks what to do. Doc says, " Eat a Cumberland sausage, twenty Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts, a tin of baked beans, half a cabbage, a dozen Brussels sprouts, a box of All Bran and a gallon of prune juice."

BH asks, " Will it cure me if I manage to eat it all ?"

Doc replies, " No, but it will give you a much better understanding of what your arsehole is for."

lol!

119 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 20:19

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I joined an internet dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I said " Girls from Page three."

I wondered why I had no replies, until I realised that the letter P wasn't working on my keyboard.

120 Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 17 2012, 20:23

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags down Paddy and says to him, " I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me."

Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving in the opposite direction and he still has the monkeys with him. He flags him down and shouts across, " I thought I told you to take them to the zoo ?"

Paddy says, " I did, but I had £30 left over so I'm taking them to the pictures now."

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