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Bolton Nuts » BWFC » Wandering Minds » Joke Thread

Joke Thread

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Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
Bollotom2014
Boggersbelief
boltonbonce
NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
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Whatsupdoc
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xmiles
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Spillthebeans
trotter1948
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49 posters

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931Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Mar 26 2016, 10:54

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Last night I was watching this movie with creepy organ music, when all of a sudden I found myself shouting at the top of my lungs ”DON'T GO IN THAT CHURCH FOR FUCKSAKES!!!"
My wife goes " for goodness sake, what are you watching?"
"Our wedding video" I replied!!...

932Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Mar 28 2016, 22:02

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing." 
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

933Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 31 2016, 21:26

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka

I was chatting up a Gypsy girl in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.She wasn't fucking kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish

934Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Apr 01 2016, 21:40

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise!
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina..

935Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 11:24

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A Chinese man, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on holiday and 
enjoying the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal.
They are standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese 
suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.
"Why did you do that?" ask the others.
"We have so much money in China that I can afford to do it" says the Chinese
man..
"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into
the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France that I can afford to do 
it."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says…..
"Don't you f***ing dare!"

936Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 11:26

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

The binman is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man..
"Hello, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! No! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "you're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!..

937Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 14:24

xmiles

xmiles
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

938Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 18:26

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy Very Happy

939Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 19:32

Bollotom2014

Bollotom2014
Andy Walker
Andy Walker

Bloke going in the doctors as a nun comes out crying floods of tears.
The bloke says to the doctor. "Just passed a nun and she was in floods of tears."
"Aye", the doc replied, "I told her she was pregnant."
"Wow! Is she?"
"No. But it cured her hiccups!"

940Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 04 2016, 19:37

Guest


Guest

My wife has just been to M & S to buy herself a maternity bra.
The shop assistant asked her,"What
bust?"
"The fucking condom," She replied!!..

941Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Apr 21 2016, 21:08

xmiles

xmiles
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

The girls then proceeded home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'


942Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Apr 21 2016, 21:10

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy

943Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Apr 21 2016, 22:00

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

:rofl:

944Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 09:50

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Little Tommy went in to his Dad's bedroom looking for his Dad, when he went in his Dad had his Mum bent over the bed and was giving her a right seeing to. As he stood there horrified his dad turned round saw him there and winked and then started to laugh.
When his dad had finished he thought he'd better go and find little Tommy and make sure he's all right, so he went into Tommy's bedroom and saw him with his Gran bent over the bed banging her like a drum, he yelled what the f**k are you doing.
Little Tommy turned round winked and said "it's not so funny when it's your mum is it" and laughed.

945Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 10:03

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

In the worst ever Irish air disaster a 2 seater bi plane crashed into the graveyard, the police have so far recovered 176 bodies and the number is expected to rise as recovery goes on into the night.

946Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 21:47

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

A steering wheel has suddenly grown on my cock

It's driving me nuts

947Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 21:52

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Razz

948Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 21:58

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

whatsgoingon wrote:Little Tommy went in to his Dad's bedroom looking for his Dad, when he went in his Dad had his Mum bent over the bed and was giving her a right seeing to. As he stood there horrified his dad turned round saw him there and winked and then started to laugh.
When his dad had finished he thought he'd better go and find little Tommy and make sure he's all right, so he went into Tommy's bedroom and saw him with his Gran bent over the bed banging her like a drum, he yelled what the f**k are you doing.
Little Tommy turned round winked and said "it's not so funny when it's your mum is it" and laughed.
lol!

949Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 21:59

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

xmiles wrote:Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

The girls then proceeded home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,  so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'


:rofl:

950Joke Thread - Page 48 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed May 04 2016, 22:18

Guest


Guest

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed"

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