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Joke Thread

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931 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Mar 26 2016, 10:54

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Last night I was watching this movie with creepy organ music, when all of a sudden I found myself shouting at the top of my lungs ”DON'T GO IN THAT CHURCH FOR FUCKSAKES!!!"
My wife goes " for goodness sake, what are you watching?"
"Our wedding video" I replied!!...

932 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Mar 28 2016, 22:02

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing." 
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

933 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Mar 31 2016, 21:26

Spillthebeans

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Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
I was chatting up a Gypsy girl in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.She wasn't fucking kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish

934 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Apr 01 2016, 21:40

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise!
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina..

935 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 11:24

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A Chinese man, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on holiday and 
enjoying the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal.
They are standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese 
suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.
"Why did you do that?" ask the others.
"We have so much money in China that I can afford to do it" says the Chinese
man..
"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into
the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France that I can afford to do 
it."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says…..
"Don't you f***ing dare!"

936 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 11:26

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
The binman is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man..
"Hello, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! No! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "you're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!..

937 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 14:24

xmiles

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

938 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 18:26

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy Very Happy

939 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 19:32

Bollotom2014

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Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
Bloke going in the doctors as a nun comes out crying floods of tears.
The bloke says to the doctor. "Just passed a nun and she was in floods of tears."
"Aye", the doc replied, "I told her she was pregnant."
"Wow! Is she?"
"No. But it cured her hiccups!"

940 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 04 2016, 19:37

Guest


Guest
My wife has just been to M & S to buy herself a maternity bra.
The shop assistant asked her,"What
bust?"
"The fucking condom," She replied!!..

941 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 21 2016, 21:08

xmiles

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

The girls then proceeded home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'


942 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 21 2016, 21:10

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy

943 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Apr 21 2016, 22:00

Sluffy

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Admin
:rofl:

944 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 09:50

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Little Tommy went in to his Dad's bedroom looking for his Dad, when he went in his Dad had his Mum bent over the bed and was giving her a right seeing to. As he stood there horrified his dad turned round saw him there and winked and then started to laugh.
When his dad had finished he thought he'd better go and find little Tommy and make sure he's all right, so he went into Tommy's bedroom and saw him with his Gran bent over the bed banging her like a drum, he yelled what the f**k are you doing.
Little Tommy turned round winked and said "it's not so funny when it's your mum is it" and laughed.

945 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 10:03

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
In the worst ever Irish air disaster a 2 seater bi plane crashed into the graveyard, the police have so far recovered 176 bodies and the number is expected to rise as recovery goes on into the night.

946 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 21:47

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
A steering wheel has suddenly grown on my cock

It's driving me nuts

947 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 21:52

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Razz

948 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 21:58

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
whatsgoingon wrote:Little Tommy went in to his Dad's bedroom looking for his Dad, when he went in his Dad had his Mum bent over the bed and was giving her a right seeing to. As he stood there horrified his dad turned round saw him there and winked and then started to laugh.
When his dad had finished he thought he'd better go and find little Tommy and make sure he's all right, so he went into Tommy's bedroom and saw him with his Gran bent over the bed banging her like a drum, he yelled what the f**k are you doing.
Little Tommy turned round winked and said "it's not so funny when it's your mum is it" and laughed.
lol!

949 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 21:59

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
xmiles wrote:Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

The girls then proceeded home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,  so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'


:rofl:

950 Re: Joke Thread on Wed May 04 2016, 22:18

Guest


Guest
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed"

951 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 06 2016, 20:22

terenceanne

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El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf
A man comes home and says to his wife ..."Our Postman says he has shagged every woman on our street except one"
The wife thinks for a minute and says " It must be that miserable cow at number 18"

952 Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 07 2016, 00:10

xmiles

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
terenceanne wrote:A man comes home and says to his wife ..."Our Postman says he has shagged every woman on our street except one"
The wife thinks for a minute and says " It must be that miserable cow at number 18"

Laughing

953 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 22 2016, 23:26

Guest


Guest
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
The gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five  minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later,
The anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid.
Make up your bloody mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

954 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 22 2016, 23:27

Guest


Guest
A woman goes to her gynecologist.  
"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

955 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 22 2016, 23:30

Guest


Guest
A posh girls’ school was recently faced with an unusual problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the cleaner would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided something must be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.
She explained all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had to clean the mirrors every night-you can imagine the
yawns from the girls.
To demonstrate how difficult it was, the principal asked the cleaner to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

956 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 10:28

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Some good ones there Barb! Very Happy

957 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 11:46

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Barb Dwyer wrote:A woman goes to her gynecologist.  
"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
Sent this to a mate of mine in a cancer ward in Newcastle,and it nearly saw him off. Very Happy

958 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 13:13

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes and then accidentally dropped the microphone on his foot. 

"Fuck me!", he shouted. 

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.....

959 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 13:13

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

960 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 13:52

xmiles

avatar
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Bwfc1958 wrote:An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.
Laughing

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