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991 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jul 22 2016, 16:00

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

992 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 25 2016, 18:21

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
RECENTLY HEARD AN ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
 
"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken my favourite actor--- Patrick MacNee,

my favourite horror actor 
          Christopher Lee,

my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author-----Tom Clancy.
and, finally, my favourite presenter------
          Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nigel Farrage, Donald J Trump and that stupid bitch from        Scotland.

Amen.”

993 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Aug 10 2016, 21:04

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

994 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Aug 12 2016, 13:34

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt....

995 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Aug 12 2016, 13:46

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Ive just opened a bakery & a woman rang me to ask if i can make her a happy birthday cake with i suck cocks written on it, i thought it rather strange but made it anyway. When i delivered it Mrs Cox wasnt very happy & neither was her son Issac...

996 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Aug 14 2016, 18:05

Guest


Guest
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

My girlfriend has taken no notice and insists it says dyslexia

997 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Aug 20 2016, 16:15

finlaymcdanger

avatar
Andy Walker
Andy Walker
Reebok Trotter wrote:RECENTLY HEARD AN ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
 
"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken my favourite actor--- Patrick MacNee,

my favourite horror actor 
          Christopher Lee,

my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author-----Tom Clancy.
and, finally, my favourite presenter------
          Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nigel Farrage, Donald J Trump and that stupid bitch from        Scotland.

Amen.”

This made me laugh so much. I still can't stop... f* funny

998 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 23 2016, 09:45

xmiles

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
In case you haven't seen this - my favourite is the Gary Delaney one.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550

999 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 11:01

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa

1000 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 12:59

MartinBWFC

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El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf
whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa
Oh dear. Evil or Very Mad

1001 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 14:15

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
MartinBWFC wrote:
whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa
Oh dear. Evil or Very Mad
You fakkin lav it

1002 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 16:40

gloswhite

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Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Are you sure it wasn't a Crunchie ?

1003 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 21:32

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Three Parrots for sale, £100, £200 & £15. A woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel". The woman thinks its funny & buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. Her two daughters come home and parrot says "fuck me new prostitutes" the girls laugh. The husband comes home & the parrot says "fuck me Keith, I havent seen you for weeks!"

1004 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 21:56

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

1005 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 15 2016, 23:09

whatsgoingon

avatar
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Very Happy

1006 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 16 2016, 10:13

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Good one!  :like:

1007 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 16 2016, 10:18

Reebok Trotter

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, " Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

" Sorry to spoil your evening, " said his friend, " but when I walked in they were speaking German."

1008 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 16 2016, 11:39

whatsgoingon

avatar
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Reebok Trotter wrote:A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, " Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

" Sorry to spoil your evening, " said his friend, " but when I walked in they were speaking German."
Like it

1009 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Sep 17 2016, 20:21

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.


The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"


The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."


The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"


He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?


Now, that's a Businessman!

1010 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:46

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka

1011 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:49

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants..'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands...'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

1012 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:53

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

1013 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:02

y2johnny

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Andy Walker
Andy Walker
Just accidentally put my donor card into the cash mashine



















Cost me an arm and a leg

http://Www.thefacefittester.co.uk

1014 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:31

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.


He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.


He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation after his accident.


The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,


"Can I feel your tits then?"

1015 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Oct 03 2016, 19:50

scottjames30

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

1016 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

1017 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

avatar
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a Bakery,
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them in his pocket & walks out the shop,
he then says to paddy, that took great skill to steal those buns the owner never even noticed.
Paddy looked at him in discust and said that is plain theft, if you want some buns there is a honest way of getting them for free.
Go on then said the Englishman, lets see how you do it.
So they go back in the shop, and paddy calls over the owner.
Sir, I want to show you a bit of magic.
The owner is intrigued and say go on then lets see your magic.
Right says paddy
Pass me two of those buns,
the owner does so and paddy eats them.
The owner says so where is the magic.
Paddy says I need another bun or I can't make it work.
The owner is now getting a bit pissed off but gives him another bun.
to which Paddy again eats and starts to walk out the shop.
The owner is fuming and says so where the hell is the magic.
Paddy turns round and says.
Look in the Englishman's pocket...

1018 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 13 2016, 06:11

karlypants

avatar
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Bwfc1958 wrote:Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
lol!

1019 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Oct 23 2016, 07:26

DEANO82


Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Donald Trump visits an elementary school and visits a class. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher offers Mr. Trump if he would like to join the discussion of the word tragedy.
Mr. Trump asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No.", says Mr Trump, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!", exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

1020 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Oct 23 2016, 08:48

xmiles

avatar
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
DEANO82 wrote:Donald Trump visits an elementary school and visits a class. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher offers Mr. Trump if he would like to join the discussion of the word tragedy.
Mr. Trump asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No.", says Mr Trump, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!", exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Laughing

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