Bolton Wanderers Football Club Fan Forum for all BWFC Supporters.


You are not connected. Please login or register

Bolton Nuts » BWFC » Wandering Minds » Joke Thread

Joke Thread

+25
okocha
wanderlust
terenceanne
sunlight
Natasha Whittam
Leeds_Trotter
y2johnny
Angry Dad
Fabians Right Peg
Spillthebeans
Sluffy
Biggie
BoltonTillIDie
Bread2.0
karlypants
scottjames30
DEANO82
gloswhite
MartinBWFC
whatsgoingon
xmiles
finlaymcdanger
Bwfc1958
boltonbonce
Reebok Trotter
29 posters

Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 9, 10, 11  Next

Go down  Message [Page 2 of 11]

31Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:11

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men:
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy

32Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:13

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap
in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and
sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides
off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips
over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal
his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls
his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy
Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me'
says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having
some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist 
suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

33Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:15

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

34Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 15 2016, 09:18

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

a couple of new ones here:

A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas. I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."
He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help..!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live for Xmas . Can you help him..???

Just bought some sage and onion flavoured condoms. Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing.
We've just played the Christmas edition of "Cluedo".
My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.

It was Christmas and the Judge was in a Merry Mood as he asked the Prisoner, "What are you charged with"..???
"Doing my Christmas Shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's No Offense", said the Judge.
"How early were you doing this Shopping".??
"Before the Store Opened".

Me and the wife haven't spoken since last Christmas day, 
I was over the moon with the new hearing aid she got me as a present, yet she hasn't even said thank you for the huge black clock she so desperately wanted.


I was in Tesco the other day, and I saw Jeremy Corbin buying an Xmas Advent Calendar. 
He told me that it was the only way he was going to get to open the door to Number 10..!!..

35Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:14

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Got thrown out of Mcdonalds this afternoon, the stunner serving me said she could make it large for 30p, I said you already have, and could she finish me off for a pound

36Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:39

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. 
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number. 
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap. 
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs. 
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50." 
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat. 
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth."

37Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 10:58

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.Then, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he didn't win. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.


I'll get my coat.  Very Happy

38Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 11:40

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

gloswhite wrote:Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.Then, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he didn't win. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.


I'll get my coat.  Very Happy
Nice  Very Happy

39Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:22

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"

40Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:41

Bread2.0

Bread2.0
Andy Walker
Andy Walker

:rofl:

Quality!

41Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 10:44

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Bwfc1958 wrote:A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"
Brilliant  Very Happy

42Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 10:53

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

I laughed so hard I had to take my specs off. I broke the arm on them. Again.

I'll be sending someone the bill. Razz

43Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 14:36

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he foung his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

44Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 14:55

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off. 

45Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Jan 12 2017, 19:57

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Saw this on a bolton Facebook page

Joke Thread - Page 3 Img_2410

46Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 19 2017, 22:29

Biggie

Biggie
Admin

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Saw this on a bolton Facebook page

Joke Thread - Page 3 Img_2410

That is pretty impressive!

https://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

47Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Feb 28 2017, 15:00

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 5 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

48Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Mar 18 2017, 23:25

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ 
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ 
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ 
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ 
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’


The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ 
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. 
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ 
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ 
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

49Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Mar 21 2017, 22:25

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm fuckin driving."

50Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun May 21 2017, 07:03

DEANO82

DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, 
"I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him
in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, 
"Irving what are you really up to?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago

Sponsored content



Back to top  Message [Page 2 of 11]

Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 9, 10, 11  Next

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum