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92 Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 02 2018, 12:38
DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Just downloaded the Queen film Bohemian Rhapsody. Wasn't the best copy, it looked like it had been filmed in a cinema because I see a little silhouette of a man.
93 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 04 2018, 15:18
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
A mate of mine has got his kids a trampoline and two bikes off the internet, I asked him which site he used, google earth he said
96 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 04 2018, 15:46
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
Bloke meets his mate in the pub and comments on how chipper he was looking today.
“You look really well mate - had a good day?”
“Amazing mate” he replies. “Best day in years”
“How come?” Asks his pal.
“Well, I was walking the dog down by the railway line and I found this gorgeous woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her.”
“What happened then mate?” Asks his buddy.
“We made passionate love at the side of the railway all afternoon and in every conceivable position. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, just incredible”
“Wow mate - no wonder you look in such a good mood. Did you get a blow job as well then?”
“Naw pal” he says. “Never did find the head”
“You look really well mate - had a good day?”
“Amazing mate” he replies. “Best day in years”
“How come?” Asks his pal.
“Well, I was walking the dog down by the railway line and I found this gorgeous woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her.”
“What happened then mate?” Asks his buddy.
“We made passionate love at the side of the railway all afternoon and in every conceivable position. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, just incredible”
“Wow mate - no wonder you look in such a good mood. Did you get a blow job as well then?”
“Naw pal” he says. “Never did find the head”
97 Re: Joke Thread Tue Jan 15 2019, 12:54
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
Seeing as nobody seems to want to share anymore, here's an oldie..
It's Fred's anniversary and his missus says "tell you what - pick up your favourite food on your way home from work and I'll make us a lovely romantic dinner for two tonight"
"What, snails?" he says.
"yes darlin - get some snails on your way home and I'll be ready"
After work, Fred buys a bag of snails, and is on his way home when he runs into his mate George who asks him how it's going.
"It's my anniversary mate, so the missus is going to cook us lovely romantic meal"
"Your anniversary? Well you've got to have a pint in the Dog and Duck with me to celebrate"
"I can't" says Fred - "I promised the missus"
"Go on - just the one" says George, and reluctantly, Fred agrees.
At half ten, Fred is at his front door, fumbling with his keys when the bottom drops out of the now soggy bag of snails and they all fall onto the doormat.
Just then the door swings open and his furious missus yells at him.
"Where the f*** have you been? I've been waiting all night for you!"
Fred looks down at the snails on the doormat and says....
"Not far to go now lads..."
It's Fred's anniversary and his missus says "tell you what - pick up your favourite food on your way home from work and I'll make us a lovely romantic dinner for two tonight"
"What, snails?" he says.
"yes darlin - get some snails on your way home and I'll be ready"
After work, Fred buys a bag of snails, and is on his way home when he runs into his mate George who asks him how it's going.
"It's my anniversary mate, so the missus is going to cook us lovely romantic meal"
"Your anniversary? Well you've got to have a pint in the Dog and Duck with me to celebrate"
"I can't" says Fred - "I promised the missus"
"Go on - just the one" says George, and reluctantly, Fred agrees.
At half ten, Fred is at his front door, fumbling with his keys when the bottom drops out of the now soggy bag of snails and they all fall onto the doormat.
Just then the door swings open and his furious missus yells at him.
"Where the f*** have you been? I've been waiting all night for you!"
Fred looks down at the snails on the doormat and says....
"Not far to go now lads..."
99 Re: Joke Thread Sat Feb 23 2019, 08:01
DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Today I went past the old house I used to live in. I asked the owners if I could look around for old times sake? They said ‘No”... parents can be so mean sometimes.
101 Re: Joke Thread Wed Mar 06 2019, 18:38
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
What's so funny about a guy with a small penis? 
102 Re: Joke Thread Wed Mar 06 2019, 20:32
Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
@boltonbonce wrote:What's so funny about a guy with a small penis?
Post another selfie and I guess we'll find out
103 Re: Joke Thread Wed Mar 06 2019, 20:42
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Ha.@Natasha Whittam wrote:@boltonbonce wrote:What's so funny about a guy with a small penis?
Post another selfie and I guess we'll find out
The zips on my slippers are the only ones that work these days.
105 Re: Joke Thread Thu Apr 18 2019, 20:03
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant.
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."
"I'm pregnant.
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."
106 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 15:17
Sluffy
Admin
A joke about vegetables has made it to the top of the menu as this year's funniest at the Edinburgh Fringe.
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
Sounds like a bit of a bad year to me!
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
Sounds like a bit of a bad year to me!
107 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 15:24
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Tim Vine is the king of the one liners.
http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
108 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 15:37
Sluffy
Admin
Quite like Milton Jones and Stewart Francis myself.
109 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 15:52
sunlight
Andy Walker
My fave Time Vine joke was where he came on the stage and pulled a funnel from out of his coat and said " funnely enough ".
I always use that gag when I am using a funnel.
I always use that gag when I am using a funnel.
110 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 16:03
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Good one. Pass it on to Nat. She uses a funnel when she eats.@sunlight wrote:My fave Time Vine joke was where he came on the stage and pulled a funnel from out of his coat and said " funnely enough ".
I always use that gag when I am using a funnel.
111 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 19 2019, 17:08
sunlight
Andy Walker
I can see the tongue-in-cheek here. I am sure the Lady is very classy and doesnt do that.
112 Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 26 2019, 22:17
sunlight
Andy Walker
Reading about those awful plane crashes in the news today I was reminded of an incident when I was at the front of an Airliner looking at the controls.
I was looking down at a panel and asked "what are all these buttons for?" The pilot said "they keep your Blouse closed".
I was looking down at a panel and asked "what are all these buttons for?" The pilot said "they keep your Blouse closed".
115 Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 13 2019, 21:46
DEANO82
Tony Kelly
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful breasts I had ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful breasts I had ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
116 Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 13 2019, 23:16
Sluffy
Admin
@DEANO82 wrote:While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful breasts I had ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
117 Re: Joke Thread Thu Nov 21 2019, 20:55
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
A man accidentally strays into the kitchen of a posh restaurant, and notices the chef crimping an apple pie crust with his false teeth.
"That's disgusting!" said the man, "You ought to have a tool for that".
The chef replied, "I do, but I save it for the doughnuts".
"That's disgusting!" said the man, "You ought to have a tool for that".
The chef replied, "I do, but I save it for the doughnuts".
118 Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 16 2019, 11:15
DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. "Well I am in the Bike shop next door to that."
119 Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 16 2019, 12:54
karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Posts : 31227
Join date : 2012-08-04
@DEANO82 wrote:Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. "Well I am in the Bike shop next door to that."
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