Joke Thread

Just downloaded the Queen film Bohemian Rhapsody. Wasn't the best copy, it looked like it had been filmed in a cinema because I see a little silhouette of a man.

A mate of mine has got his kids a trampoline and two bikes off the internet, I asked him which site he used, google earth he said

I don't get it.

Natasha Whittam wrote:I don't get it.

Me too.

Bloke meets his mate in the pub and comments on how chipper he was looking today. 
“You look really well mate - had a good day?”
“Amazing mate” he replies. “Best day in years”
“How come?” Asks his pal.

“Well, I was walking the dog down by the railway line and I found this gorgeous woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her.”

“What happened then mate?” Asks his buddy.

“We made passionate love at the side of the railway all afternoon and in every conceivable position. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, just incredible”

“Wow mate - no wonder you look in such a good mood. Did you get a blow job as well then?”

“Naw pal” he says. “Never did find the head”

Seeing as nobody seems to want to share anymore, here's an oldie..

It's Fred's anniversary and his missus says "tell you what - pick up your favourite food on your way home from work and I'll make us a lovely romantic dinner for two tonight"

"What, snails?" he says.
"yes darlin - get some snails on your way home and I'll be ready"

After work, Fred buys a bag of snails, and is on his way home when he runs into his mate George who asks him how it's going. 
"It's my anniversary mate, so the missus is going to cook us lovely romantic meal"

"Your anniversary? Well you've got to have a pint in the Dog and Duck with me to celebrate"
"I can't" says Fred - "I promised the missus"

"Go on - just the one" says George, and reluctantly, Fred agrees.

At half ten, Fred is at his front door, fumbling with his keys when the bottom drops out of the now soggy bag of snails and they all fall onto the doormat.
Just then the door swings open and his furious missus yells at him. 
"Where the f*** have you been? I've been waiting all night for you!"

Fred looks down at the snails on the doormat and says....




"Not far to go now lads..."

Today I went past the old house I used to live in. I asked the owners if I could look around for old times sake? They said ‘No”... parents can be so mean sometimes.

What's so funny about a guy with a small penis?

boltonbonce wrote:What's so funny about a guy with a small penis?

Post another selfie and I guess we'll find out

Natasha Whittam wrote:

boltonbonce wrote:What's so funny about a guy with a small penis?

Post another selfie and I guess we'll find out

Ha.
The zips on my slippers are the only ones that work these days.

Bullery.

A joke about vegetables has made it to the top of the menu as this year's funniest at the Edinburgh Fringe.

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham


Sounds like a bit of a bad year to me!

Tim Vine is the king of the one liners.

http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

Quite like Milton Jones and Stewart Francis myself.

My fave Time Vine joke was where he came on the stage and pulled a funnel from out of his coat and said " funnely enough ".
I always use that gag when I am using a funnel.

sunlight wrote:My fave Time Vine joke was where he came on the stage and pulled a funnel from out of his coat and said " funnely enough ".
I always use that gag when I am using a funnel.

Good one. Pass it on to Nat. She uses a funnel when she eats.