Joke Thread

MartinBWFC wrote:Went to a funeral with my new girlfriend today, it was the first time I had met most of her family, fuck me they are a set of miserable bastards.

So I'm giving this bird one over the kitchen table, all of a sudden the front door opens, shit she says that's my husband quick use the back door........ looking back I really should have legged it, but you don't get offers like that everyday.

Tripped over a magic lamp today, Genie grants me one wish................ well ok I say I want to live forever.... sorry says Genie I can't grant that wish on moral grounds......... ok I want to live until Bury get promoted to the Premier league.................. ooooooooooooooh you crafty cunt.

I was asked the other day do I prefer legs or breast, I replied to be honest I prefer a nicely shaved pussy, I am now barred from KFC.

MartinBWFC wrote:So I'm giving this bird one over the kitchen table, all of a sudden the front door opens, shit she says that's my husband quick use the back door........ looking back I really should have legged it, but you don't get offers like that everyday.

Sluffy wrote:I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase".

brilliant

JEWISH DIVORCE...



A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says,"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a £250,000 Ferrari,you get £2,000 a week allowance, and you take 6 holidays year, and you want to throw all that away...



Over 45 pence?"

Retirement



An older married couple sitting home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally spoke up:
"For god's sake, Larry! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

COURT REPORTERS HAVE TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACES!!



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published

by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.



__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



_________________________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________





ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Getting laid



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...



_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practicing law. ******

Subject: Which Airline?

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the F*ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says

"Ryanair".

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A
few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve
got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

Bill Roache, Jim Davidson, Jimmy Tarbuck, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr, fuck me the prison panto is looking good this year.

Amazingly, A Bangladeshi woman has been pulled out of the rubble alive, after 17 days trapped in a collapsed factory.

Primark have questioned her overtime sheet.

Kane57

I was walking through Manchester City centre the other day and there was a scruffy guy sat outside Mcdonalds, he was holding up a sign which read "please help! Falklands war veteran"

I felt really sorry for one of our war veterans, so I gave him a fiver. As I was walking away he said to me " Mucas gracias" 

In a recent survey, 87% of immigrants said that they came to this country to see their doctor.