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Joke Thread

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Bwfc1958
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Reebok Trotter
49 posters

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571Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 23 2014, 15:39

Guest


Guest

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

572Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 23 2014, 17:10

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

OneFinFreedman wrote:I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

 Laughing

573Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 23 2014, 20:00

Guest


Guest

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

574Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 23 2014, 20:05

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

RETIRED MAN'S JOB

> Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
> I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
> "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
> "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f----ing advice, she'll ask me for it.


575Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 23 2014, 20:07

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Reebok Trotter wrote:RETIRED MAN'S JOB

> Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
> I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
> "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
> "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f----ing advice, she'll ask me for it.


 lol!

576Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Feb 26 2014, 17:52

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

    The  teacher asked the class to use the word  'fascinate' in a
 sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's
 farm, and  we all saw his pet sheep. It was  fascinating.'
 The teacher said,  'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 Sally raised her  hand. She  said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
 was  'fascinated.  The teacher said, 'Well, that was good  Sally, but I
 wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.
 Little Johnny  raised his hand. The  teacher hesitated  because she had been
 burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he
 could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.  Johnny said,   "My
 aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
 only fasten eight". The teacher sat down and cried.

577Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Feb 26 2014, 18:57

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

gloswhite wrote:    The  teacher asked the class to use the word  'fascinate' in a
 sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's
 farm, and  we all saw his pet sheep. It was  fascinating.'
 The teacher said,  'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 Sally raised her  hand. She  said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
 was  'fascinated.  The teacher said, 'Well, that was good  Sally, but I
 wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.
 Little Johnny  raised his hand. The  teacher hesitated  because she had been
 burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he
 could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.  Johnny said,   "My
 aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
 only fasten eight". The teacher sat down and cried.

 Laughing 

578Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 06 2014, 10:49

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

First day back at school in Bolton, ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"
"Ali Son al En" , silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call .

A girl stood up and said , "Sorry, teacher . I think that's me .
It's pronounced Alison Allen."



579Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 06 2014, 17:30

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Joke Thread - Page 30 1509270_10152214731172808_1167241788_n

580Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Mar 15 2014, 07:47

Guest


Guest

My wifes just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has been round and injected his special resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the fucking car!!

581Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Mar 19 2014, 20:47

Copper Dragon

Copper Dragon
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'

582Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Mar 19 2014, 20:50

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Copper Dragon wrote:The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'
 lol!

583Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 20 2014, 17:33

wanderlust

wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Copper Dragon wrote:The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'
Get some new material CD
This is post 106!

584Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 20 2014, 18:43

Copper Dragon

Copper Dragon
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

So I see Wanderlust, that Reebok Trotter is way ahead with the comedy.

I did mine in a Brummie accent though.

585Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 20 2014, 20:12

Guest


Guest

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

586Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Mar 20 2014, 20:15

Guest


Guest

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven`t got the energy."

"Well, why don`t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They`re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won`t keep you there!

587Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Mar 21 2014, 20:03

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator

A man goes into a music shop and asks for tape with relaxing music on. The bloke behind the counter says, ''listen to this tape of wasps noises, it's really good and really relaxing too''.

The man is a bit confused but takes it home for a listen any way, as he starts listening to it and thinks ''this sounds nothing like fucking wasps''. The next day he takes it back to the music shop and tells the same man behind the counter ''this tape you sold me, it sounds nothing like wasps''

To which the man replies ''Ah, that's because you have been listening to the bee side''.

588Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Mar 21 2014, 21:34

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

I made my girlfriend’s dreams come true and married her in a castle.

You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!





After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.





589Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Mar 21 2014, 21:49

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

Yesterday I decided to surprise the woman who delivers my post, so I stood there naked and stuck my cock through the letterbox.

I dont know which shocked her more........

My cock through the letterbox, or the fact that I know where she lives.

590Joke Thread - Page 30 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Mar 21 2014, 21:54

Guest


Guest

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job ?"

"£100"

"OK", he said and then began to jerk off

The prostitute asked, "What the hell are you doing that for?"

"For a £100, you're going to work for your money"

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