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Joke Thread

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751Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 19:36

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Barb Dwyer wrote:An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!
Very Happy

752Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 19:38

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
lol!

753Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:27

Guest


Guest
The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

754Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:28

Guest


Guest
Barb Dwyer wrote:The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
On fire tonight bd. Was it kp?

755Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:44

Guest


Guest
A piece of string walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool, "Hey bartender, let me get a beer," he says,
The bartender walks up to him and says, "Hey string, you see that sign up there on the wall?"
as he turns and points at the sign...."It says, 'We don't serve strings'"
So the string, saddened by what he now knows, gets up and walks out of the bar.
As the string is walking down the street, he comes up with an idea...
He continues walking until he finds a bum and hollers at him;
"Hey bum!" says the string... "Can you do me a favour?"
The bum looks at him with excitement and responds, "Sure, anything for a string."
So the string continues, "I need you to fray me out..."
The bum does as the string asks so the string is a little happier, but the string still needs one more thing.
"Hey bum," says the string, "Can you do me one more favour?"
The bum replies, "Sure, anything for a string!"
So the string asks him, "Can you tie me in a knot?"
The bum proceeds to tie the string in a knot and the string is now satisfied.
The string turns around and heads right back to the bar he had just came from, walks in, and sits down in the same bar stool he was just in.
"Hey bartender, let me get a beer" says the string.
"Ain't you that string that was just in here?" asks the bartender.
And the string reply's, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

756Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:48

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy :facepalm:

757Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:52

Guest


Guest
That's my favourite joke ever.

758Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 18 2015, 21:11

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Smile

759Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 14:05

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
My son is starting school soon but he's worried other kids will pick on him because of his name.

I said,"don't be silly, someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

760Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 14:11

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A couple of naked lesbians burst into my house last night and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help but I could only knock one out.

761Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 14:15

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Just been on bigbustycoons.com.

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

762Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 18:27

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Bwfc1958 wrote:Just been on bigbustycoons.com.

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

Shocked Laughing

763Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 19:13

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Racist. I presume bans will be forthcoming.

764Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 19:17

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
There's nothing racist with Big Bus Tycoons

765Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 19 2015, 19:20

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
It's subtle racism. Shame on everyone except me.

766Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 20 2015, 17:16

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A man walks up to the small window at the petrol station. 

"Can I please have a kit Kat chunky?"

The woman goes and gets a kit Kat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No", says the man, "I wanted a normal kit Kat you fat bitch".

767Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 20 2015, 19:10

scottjames30

scottjames30
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Whats the difference between a bitch an a whore?

a whore sleeps with everyone at a party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at a party except you.

768Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 20 2015, 19:12

scottjames30

scottjames30
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off, A priest sucks them off.

769Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 20 2015, 19:55

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on wearing a clown wig and make up and only a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a tin of fluorescent paint and a goat, and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint all over the walls, all the while ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.
After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere.
I will then escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see crimewatch stage a fucking reconstruction of that.

770Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jan 31 2015, 08:01

Guest


Guest
A mother is cleaning her sons room when she sees some magazines under his bed.....

Curious, she grabs the magazines  just to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror she screams.

Hearing her screams, the father rushes in, sees the wife crying, sits down next to her on the sons bed and asks "What's wrong?".

Pointing to the magazines in her hand he asks "What are those?" She hands him the magazines.

He flips through them, his eyes widen as he see's some of most explicit and disturbing S&M images his minds could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband "What are we ever going to do with this boy?"

The husband replies "Well, I don't know, but I'm not going to spank him, that's for sure!"

771Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Feb 01 2015, 10:35

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I knocked on my neighbours door at 3am this morning and said,"I've been listening to your shit music for the last 4 hours!"

"That's impossible", he replied, "my CD's were stolen in a burglary last night".

"I know", I said, "and now I wish I'd never fucking bothered".

772Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Feb 15 2015, 22:31

Guest


Guest
Not really a joke, but go onto google maps type in the word gobshites and see where you end up.

773Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Feb 15 2015, 23:04

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy

774Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Feb 20 2015, 18:13

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson
Three men - a Canadian farmer,  a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
 

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

 

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

 

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

 

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

 

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.  Nothing can get in or out: it's virtually impenetrable.'

 

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

 
'Fill it with water.'

775Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Feb 25 2015, 18:59

Guest


Guest
My Wife came home early one day and found me having a wank in the kitchen. Before I could pull my trousers up she was on it and gave me the best blow job ever. Confused I asked " we haven't had sex for months and know this, Why?"
She replied "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get that fuckin' mop out again!!"

776Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Feb 25 2015, 19:02

Guest


Guest
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to
speak:
a.. "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
b.. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East End.
c.. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
City Centre.
d.. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, never knowing the
extent of his property holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse
says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man
to have accumulated all this wealth".

Sarah replies,  “Wealth? .... Wealth! The arsehole had a paper round!"

777Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Feb 27 2015, 20:58

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
50 Shades of Salford:
"Even though he only had one tattoo she yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told her it was benefit day and her velour tracksuit would be hanging from the lampshade tonight. As she stood in line at the jobcentre thinking of the reasons why she couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past her pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx. She turned around and there was Dwayne. Their eyes met and he was soon lifting her onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He tied his staffy to the lampost at the top of the alley. There was a tramp watching but that just added to the mystery. Her life would never be the same again........"

778Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Feb 27 2015, 21:10

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy Now that's a film I'd go and see.

779Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 04 2015, 17:13

Guest


Guest
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.  He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
       
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.  The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
       
At this point, he realized the female was  becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

780Joke Thread - Page 26 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 04 2015, 19:26

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
@Reebok Trotter wrote:50 Shades of Salford:
"Even though he only had one tattoo she yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told her it was benefit day and her velour tracksuit would be hanging from the lampshade tonight. As she stood in line at the jobcentre thinking of the reasons why she couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past her pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx. She turned around and there was Dwayne. Their eyes met and he was soon lifting her onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He tied his staffy to the lampost at the top of the alley. There was a tramp watching but that just added to the mystery. Her life would never be the same again........"

lol!

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