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Joke Thread

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811Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 04 2015, 21:07

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

812Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 20:12

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
I was in Asda with the wife today, and I spots 12 cans of lager for a tenner, thought bargain, picked them up put em in trollley, wife comes back says what you doing with them, 12 for a tenner I says, we can't afford them put em back, so I did.

2 aisles down toiletries section, wife picks up some facial cream pops them in the basket, I says whats that? it's a beauty cream 20 quid and it makes me look 10 years younger and more attractive,

12 cans of lager has that effect and it's half the price, now put it back.

813Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:13

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I said to my mate,"my girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in wonderland character and it's getting very annoying."

"Are you mad at her?", he said.

I said,"For fuck sake, don't you start!"

814Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:16

Guest


Guest
Knock knock

815Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:18

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Ok mate, I'll play along so you can get your trailer park fix.

Who's there?

816Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:19

Guest


Guest
@Bwfc1958 wrote:Ok mate, I'll play along so you can get your trailer park fix.

Who's there?

Joke Thread - Page 28 3c591b679dcf35270161ca391a2d92d15780db6cc744997ef4f495b1c8dff903

58 you have a friend for life Smile

817Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:25

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Police have obtained photographic evidence of the smiler crash to use for legal proceedings.

Alton Towers however are charging them £6 per photo or £8 for a keyring.

818Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 21:32

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I was looking through my daughters phone when I came across a video of her screaming whilst banging her head against the floor.

I said,"this better not be what I think it is!"

"That's me getting fucked up the arse by my boyfriend", she said, feeling embarrased.

"Oh, thank god", I cried. 

"For a minute there I thought you had become a Muslim".





I think that ones safe.........just

819Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 05 2015, 23:11

xmiles

xmiles
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
@Bwfc1958 wrote:I was looking through my daughters phone when I came across a video of her screaming whilst banging her head against the floor.

I said,"this better not be what I think it is!"

"That's me getting fucked up the arse by my boyfriend", she said, feeling embarrased.

"Oh, thank god", I cried. 

"For a minute there I thought you had become a Muslim".





I think that ones safe.........just

Laughing

820Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 28 2015, 12:46

Guest


Guest
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back o find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

821Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 28 2015, 12:49

Guest


Guest
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low.

822Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 28 2015, 20:54

Guest


Guest
A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach,
and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and
threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants,
a Manchester united supporter, and anything French!'

823Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 28 2015, 20:56

Guest


Guest
A businessman returns from the Far East. After a few days he notices strange, multi-colored growth on his penis. Puzzled, he decides to consult several doctors, all specialists in their respective fields of study.

They all reach a consensus and tell the man, “We've seen this before. You've been screwing around in the Far East; this is very common there, absolutely no cure for it at all. Unfortunately, we'll have to cut it off.”

At first the man panics, but later on figures that if it is that common in the Far East, then surely they must know how to cure it there. So the man returns back to where his troubles began and sees a local doctor in Pakistan, an expert in his field of study.

The doctor finishes examining him and says, "Ah, You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very, very common problem here. Did you consult any other doctors about this?”

The man sheepishly replies, “Yes, a few in the USA.”

The doctor smiles then laughingly says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

With a faint glimmer of hope, the man emphatically answers, "YES!"

"Nonsense! That is not correct," said the doctor.

"It will fall off all by itself."

824Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 02 2015, 08:42

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
My grandma always told me to have a happy life was to make the little things count. SO I now teach maths to dwarves.

825Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 02 2015, 14:53

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'..............Bill Murray.

826Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jul 02 2015, 14:56

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
@boltonbonce wrote:'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'..............Bill Murray.
Very Happy

827Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:14

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."


"Great, can you start Monday?"

828Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:17

Guest


Guest
@Bwfc1958 wrote:I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."


"Great, can you start Monday?"
Laughing

829Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:25

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

830Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:31

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

831Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:34

Guest


Guest
on a roll today 58 Very Happy

832Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:35

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Ben Amos has trained today and had 4,000 shots fired at him in 3 hours and didn't concede a single goal. 

Tomorrow, he and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad.

833Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 10:36

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
@y2johnny wrote:on a roll today 58 Very Happy
I have them stored up and need to unburden myself  Very Happy

834Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 13 2015, 11:04

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Did you hear that Richard Branson was considering sponsoring us?

Apparently, he pulled out because he didn't feel it was right to have 'Virgin' written across the shirt of a team that gets fcuked every Saturday.

835Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:00

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fucking church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fucking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation.
The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

836Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:12

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."

837Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:44

Guest


Guest
Barbs music quiz

838Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:45

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Joke Thread - Page 28 61747464

839Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:54

Guest


Guest
Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.


Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the new show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.

840Joke Thread - Page 28 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 15 2015, 21:58

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy

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