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Joke Thread

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Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
Bollotom2014
Boggersbelief
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NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
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Culcheth_White
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trotter1948
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49 posters

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871Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Oct 25 2015, 13:06

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Bwfc1958 wrote:Paddy and Murphy are trying to guess the height of a flagpole. A builder is passing and they explain their problem. "Watch this", says the builder. He takes down the flagpole, lays it down on the ground and measures it with his tape measure. Paddy says to Murphy,"what a thick cunt, we wanted the height not the fucking length."
Very Happy

872Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Oct 28 2015, 07:53

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'

873Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Nov 10 2015, 12:36

okocha

okocha
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

A devoted dad has tried everything possible to stop his two sons from swearing but to no avail: every sentence they utter is laced with "fuck" or "bloody" or worse. Embarrassed  and distraught, dad goes to a child psychiatrist who recommends that the only solution is to use physical violence the moment either of them comes out with a swear-word. "They'll soon begin to associate beatings and pain with swearing. That's the only thing that will make them stop."

Though hating the idea of physically assaulting his children, desperate dad resolves to do as the psychiatrist suggests, as a last resort. So dad steels himself and the next morning he sits down with his sons at the breakfast table. 

"Pass the fucking cornflakes, dad," says the older boy.

"Right!" says dad. He takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves and gives the lad a pasting, bursts his nose, blackens both eyes, loosens a tooth etc. 
Dad sits down again, rolls his sleeves back down, puts his jacket back on, composes himself, and calmly turns to his younger son.

"Now, son. what would you like for breakfast?"

"Well," says the lad, "I'd be a fucking cunt to ask for cornflakes, I know that!"

874Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Nov 22 2015, 13:43

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
 He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle.

With only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. 

The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English
football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored
3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love
me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day ...

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have
been raped but for a passing police vehicle.


Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you
tell me that you were having a great time!!'


The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'


Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'  Joke Thread - Page 45 Smiley36

875Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 14:05

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Dave has broken his leg and his mate Tony comes over to see him. "How you doing dave?" Says Tony. 

"OK mate, but can you do me a favour please? Just run upstairs and grab my slippers for me, my feet are freezing".

Tony goes upstairs and sees daves 19 year old daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "your dad has sent me upstairs to have sex with you both."

"Prove it", they say.

Tony shouts downstairs. "Hey dave! Both of them?"

Dave shouts back, "of course both of them, what good is fucking one??!!"

876Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 14:07

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

lol!

877Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 14:30

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

878Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 14:42

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Laughing

879Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 17:29

finlaymcdanger

finlaymcdanger
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Burnt my bloody Hawaiian pizza last night...
Should have put it on aloha setting!

880Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 17:30

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

:rofl:

881Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 17:33

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Laughing

882Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 18 2015, 22:01

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads, break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works. 

The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy over there? 25 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down." 

"Well it looks like he's still fucking celebrating", replied the husband.

883Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 18 2015, 22:36

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

Bwfc1958 wrote:A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads, break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works. 

The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy over there? 25 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down." 

"Well it looks like he's still fucking celebrating", replied the husband.
That one made me chuckle Very Happy

884Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Jan 02 2016, 22:22

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
 
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
 
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
 
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
 
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition..
 
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
 
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

885Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 03 2016, 11:11

Guest


Guest

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

         First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does
so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats
it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased
he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

         Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,
he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at
two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them
to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

         He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from
the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he
knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions
eat anything.

         Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up
to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

         The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and
Chimps with Mushy Bees

886Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 03 2016, 11:13

Guest


Guest

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

887Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 18:43

Boggersbelief

Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep

888Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 18:49

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep
Smile
Surprised Magoo didn't beat you to it.

889Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 18:52

Boggersbelief

Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

:rofl:

890Joke Thread - Page 45 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 19:03

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

boltonbonce wrote:
Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep
Smile
Surprised Magoo didn't beat you to it.
:biggrin:

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