Joke Thread

OneOinCoyle wrote:The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

These are currently my favourite type of joke. Who is that comedian who does them on tv? Milton something?

My neighbour just screwed in a bulb.

How he got in there, I'll never know.

jayjay23 The comedian is Milton Jones. Them kind of jokes are good because they are easy to remember and tell to people.

For some reason I can't stand Milton Jones. His jokes always seem laboured and on comedy panel shows he forces them in even though they have little or no connection with whatever is being discussed.

It's not the style of humour I dislike. I think Stewart Francis is brilliant and much funnier than Jones, and he operates in a similar way. However both his material and his delivery are so much better.

xmiles you are dead right. i like the jokes but often feel, like you said, that jones is forcing them and when he does stand up it never quite reaches its potential. Francis is great though. Love his style.

My Granddad died when e was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
E flat.
I'll have to leave it on that note.

Pinched this from another site, made me laugh, Bolton Hater in mind


.Bloke from Blackburn walked into his 12 year old daughter's bedroom and caught her masterbating with a cucumber.
He was absolutely disgusted, saying, "You dirty whore. I'm supposed to
be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber!"

Arsene Wenger is a good dancer....

http://fuldans.se/?v=tpoljgeecn

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

Paddy says to Murphy, "why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards", Murphy says "ya thick twat, if they fell forwards they would still be on the boat".

Don't want to make light of a tragedy, especially on its anniversary, but here goes

The look out on The Titanic shouts Captain seagull at 200 yards! Captain replies "we don't take notice of seagulls, to which the look out replies " you will when you see the size of the iceberg the fuckers sat on"

Very bad taste but funny all the same

Woman standing nude says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment," her husband replies " your eyesight is spot on."

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, " Windows frozen.."

Husband texts back, " Pour some boiling hot water over it.."

A few minutes later, Wife texts back, " The computer is completely fcuked now."

Paddy bought a blow-up doll, took it home and inflated it. He was back at the shop first thing in the morning, asking for an exchange. The man behind the counter asked why, whereupon Paddy tells him that its a male doll.

He looks at it, looks at Paddy, and ssys, 'You bloody idiot, you've blown it up inside-out

Not so much a joke but a bit of banter with the missus last night when she got back from shopping. She said she's bought a new outfit, but "she wasn't sure if it was really her" So she puts it on and starts parading round the living room in it.
I asked her if it was an impulse purchase and she said yes.
I asked her if it cost a shedload and after a minute or so she admitted it had.
"Then it really is you, babe" I said.

No sense of humour that woman.

Joe
took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked Joe. "I only came to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to
the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read
117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I still want to get weighed," she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."