Joke Thread

Reebok Trotter wrote:RECENTLY HEARD AN ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
 
"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken my favourite actor--- Patrick MacNee,
my favourite horror actor 
          Christopher Lee,
my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author-----Tom Clancy.
and, finally, my favourite presenter------
          Sir Terry Wogan
So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nigel Farrage, Donald J Trump and that stupid bitch from        Scotland.

Amen.”

whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa

MartinBWFC wrote:

whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa

Oh dear.

Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Reebok Trotter wrote:A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, " Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

" Sorry to spoil your evening, " said his friend, " but when I walked in they were speaking German."