I'm Throwing My Hat In The Ring

Dear Phil

My name is Natasha Whittam and I would like to apply for the job of manager of Bolton Wanderers Football Club. No doubt you have heard of me, I am probably Bolton’s most famous fan, and I’m sure you have followed my work over the years on various BWFC forums. However, just in case you have spent the last few years with your head up your bottom, let me tell you more about me and why I am the right woman for the job.

I am 32 years of age and am Managing Director of Whittam International plc, one of the largest corporations in the country. In 2007 and 2008 I was voted ‘Preston Businesswoman of the Year’ and given the key to the city. Sir Richard Branson and Deborah Meaden regularly ask for my advice on their business matters, and I have just turned down Alan Sugar’s offer to take over from Karren Brady on the next series of ‘The Apprentice’.

However, it is my extensive football knowledge that should secure me the job. In my teenage years I was probably the best female footballer in the country, a female Steven Gerrard if you like. One minute I was clearing a shot off the line, the next I was up the other end powering in a diving header to win the match. In 1994 I lead Penwortham Girls School to victory in the National Girls School Cup at Deepdale. Despite breaking my ankle in the second minute after a vicious tackle from Stacey Grime, I went on to score the last minute winner with a sublime 25 yard volley that almost broke the net. Jason Lee (old pineapple head) described it as the best goal he had ever seen, and Gerald Cid has since said it’s the goal that inspired him to become a footballer. Even now, people still whisper about the goal on the terraces of Deepdale. The goal has had more YouTube hits than Gangnam Style.

It should also be noted that, unlike the other fools in the running for the job, I have been watching Bolton Wanderers virtually all my life. I was there the day Robbie Savage clinched promotion at Wrexham, the day Dean Crombie scored that beauty at Wembley against Torquay, the day Steve McAnespie became our record signing, and the day Owen Coyle gave Zat Knight a new contract. I’ve seen it all.

But it’s not only on the pitch where I have picked up my encyclopedic knowledge of football, as I have learnt just as much off it. Bruce Rioch once let me and my friend Karen shelter in his office at Burnden Park when it was pissing down outside. For 25 minutes we watched him write stuff, photocopy stuff, and struggle to put staples in his stapler. I vowed that one day I would follow in his footsteps.

I also had the pleasure of meeting Jussi Jaaskelainen in Ikon when he first signed for the club. He shook my hand and stared at my tits for fully 30 seconds. In that moment I feel I learnt what it was like to be a professional footballer.

And, of course, I dated Bolton-target David Nugent for nearly two years. He taught me everything about the game of football. How to miss open goals, how to dive, how to get paid for being shite, and most importantly, how to handle a professional footballer (usually a finger up the bum while I wanked him off).

So there you have it, what more could a Chairman want? I am available for interview at short notice (although I get my bikini line waxed on a Friday morning) where I would be happy to discuss my application further and perhaps show you one or two of my assets that other candidates definitely don’t have.

Yours sincerely

Natasha Whittam (aged 32)

Barryjw wrote:You could be my daughter!

bwfc71 wrote:When I read the letter I actually thought of Jimmy Savile!!!

Dear Miss Whittam

I was delighted to receive your application for manager of Bolton Wanderers Football Club as I have been following your work for a very long time. I have the YouTube clip of your 25 yard volley at Deepdale saved in my "favourite places" on my PC. I regularly show it to people who pop into my office, they often can't believe someone so beautiful could be such a fantastic volleyer of the ball.

Unfortunately the owner of the club is insisting the manager be male, even though it is quite clear after more than 100 years of being shite that a complete change could do the club no harm. I've interviewed some right twats this week, I've had more ego in this office than in 10 years of managing Fat Sam. Rick McCartney wanted £100k per week and a clothing allowance, Seven wanted £200k per week and a hooker allowance, and even Sammy Lee wanted £50k per week and we've bloody sacked him twice!

A couple more candidates are to be interviewed tomorrow, namely Micky Adams and Matthew Corbett and we've had a last minute application from some bloke called Owen Coil who looks brilliant on paper.

However, if none of these names convince me I will be straight back to the owner asking him to give you a chance. Bolton's most famous fan must be able to bring back the glory days of 1989.

Best Wishes

Uncle Phil