BEHIND ENEMY LINES - BIRMINGHAM CITY

At last, a chance to do a 'Behind Enemy Lines', it seems ages since we last won a match. For those of you new to the site, on the rare occasion we actually win a game I delve into the forums, Facebook & Twitter accounts of the opposition fans. They rarely disappoint.

Off we go.....

The game hadn't kicked off but the Birmingham fans were confident:

ClarksShoes wrote:We’ll piss this, Bolton are shit. Shit manager, shit players, shit fans. 4-1 to the City.

Clearly this guy had heard of Magoo & Mo:

St_Andrews_Love wrote:I’ve heard Bolton are only bringing about 250 fans, presumably the only ones in a city of thousands who had the mental capacity to drive a car or find the right train.

Kitty has been following Zat Knight's career:

Kitty1980 wrote:Lingard will score 5 against this shite! I hope Zak Knight is playing, he’s always good for a two goal start.

Is CitySlicker a Bolton or Birmingham fan?

CitySlicker wrote:Ha Bolton have that dick beckford up front again theyll never score

To be honest I agreed with this chap before the game:

SirTrevorFrancis wrote:Bolton being ultra defensive with two holding midfielders, they are defo there for the taking. I fancy us to crush them 3-0.

Hipster would also like to spank Freedman, but in a hotel room smothered in whipped cream:

KenStone45 wrote:Clarkeys Army Going To Spank The Freedman SHITE!!!

Darren in not the man to ask for betting tips:

Darren_BCFC wrote:I can only see the Blues winning this by several goals. Bolton going down.

This sounds painful:

Brum1988 wrote:Fuck da Bolton cunts up the arse

Was this Culcheth spotted on the train?

Busman12 wrote:I’ve just had the misfortune of sharing a train with the Bolton goons. Fuck me, I’ve never seen such a bunch of neanderthal  twats in all my life. Fat, bald and smelly every single one of them. And that was just the women. Let’s stuff these twats!

Is this the gay pub Angry Dad frequents?

HaveaHeart wrote:Just been speaking to some Bolton benders in the pub – they’re expecting a dicking. Let’s make sure they get what they came for.

Anyone know this guy? Lucky you if you do:

King Kevin wrote:I work in Bolton and these twats think they have a divine right to be in the Premier League, never mind the Championship. The way they talk it’s just a matter of time before they win the Champions League. Let’s murder these cunts and make my working week a sweet one!

Another brilliant tipster:

999Quickly wrote:Good team picked by Clarkey, home win banker this one.

And another:

DickyDavid21 wrote:Easy 3 points today, these Bolton inbreds won’t know whats hit em. We’ll be in touching distance of the play-offs by 3pm today.

At last, someone we can trust. Slasher78 will be bringing us the lottery results on Saturday morning:

Slasher78 wrote:Bolton look good on paper, amazing they can’t get it together on the pitch. But we all know that will happen today. 1-2 I’m afraid.

The game kicks off but Bolton shock the home side by taking a 12th minute lead, and the locals are not happy:

Fuck off

Clark Out!

Wankers, every fucking time I get my hopes up this shit happens

Fuck off Clark you Geordie wanker

Shit defence as always

Shit keeper again, it was a fucking back pass

FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS PLAY FOR THE SHIRT YOU CUNTS HAVE SOME PRIDE YOU CUNTS

I can see us going down, we are too open at the back with a poor goalkeeper

Open your eyes Clark you cunt, we are fucking shit!

We can’t handle anyone with pace, Beckford made us look like mugs

It’s early days but Bolton seem to have pace all over the pitch. Or maybe we’re just extra slow.

You can’t deny the finish by Beckford, but we have to tighten up. It’s gonna be a long afternoon at this rate.

Bailey thinks Beckford is on drugs. It would explain his shit finishing.

Aston_Bailey wrote:Beckford is a slow fucker but we made him look like Ben Johnson

Larry needs to eat more bananas:

LaidbackLarry wrote:Every time I’ve been for a dump this season we’ve let in a goal, FFS when will I learn to hold it in?

Beckford was scabby, we get it:

Kuntster wrote:Scabby cunt, scabby becford mishit it the scabby twat.

The game carries on but the Blues are mixed in their views:

JackSprat34 wrote:This is shit. This is exactly how we were playing last season. No idea in attack and shit at the back. Fuck off Clark you knobber.

Claytonbridge wrote:Early days yet folks, we’ll batter these bastards by full-time.

Jimmy Riddle & Gunther can't agree:

Jimmy Riddle wrote:Clark out, just get him out!

Gunther wrote:Clark is doing a top job, plenty of time left to win this one.

Someone is hearing voices:

LonelyPlaceMan wrote:I’m home alone and haven’t seen anyone for 3 days. The anger is building up inside me. Don’t you fuckers dare lose this game. I can still hear my bitch of a wife laughing at the Blues and that’s quite strange seeing as she’s buried under the patio. Who’s laughing now bitch? Oh, you still are.

Jobsworth wants Sepp Blatter to be his penpal:

Jobsworth wrote:The goalposts should definitely be made smaller, Beckford had too much to aim for. I’ll e-mail FIFA.

Birmingham go on the attack and Reilly goes close for them:

Fran1976 wrote:Oooooooh, nearly 1-1. That ginger biscuit tipped it round the post.

Winny The Witch wrote:Ginger wanker!

Viktor Boss wrote:Predictable. Bogdan was fucking Massimo Taibi last week but this week he’s fucking Gordan Banks. Twat!

ShitOnVilla wrote:This has 2-1 Blues written all over it. Come on!!

Finn clutches at straws:

Finn wrote:Did that cross the line, he scooped it out the cunt. Ref! Where’s the technology? Oh fuck off.

Half-time comes and goes, and on 64 minutes a mistake by Birmingham keeper Darren Randolph lets in Neil Danns to score for Bolton:

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

You overpaid twats, useless wankers, cunts

What the fuck does Clark say at halftime? Be shit and let the opposition in?

Resign Clark, you don’t know what your doing

Fuckin Randolph, we’d be better with fuckin Rudolph the red nosed twat

City Boy turns to God:

City_Boy wrote:I prayed Sunderland would go after Lee Clark. Thanks a lot God, you can feed 5000 people with a couple of bread rolls and a fish finger, but can’t move this tit on when I ask you.

This guy remembers Danns when he played for Birmingham:

HammyWhammy wrote:Of all the people, that fucking excuse for a footballer Neil Danns!! Who’s going to get the third, Ross Nelson of Jossy’s Giants??!!

LPM is back, and this time even scarier:

LonelyPlaceMan wrote:Still home alone. Wife still playing with worms in the garden. Still fucking angry at this wanker managing the club. If someone comes to the door now they will join my wife in garden. I feel this anger inside me. Is it eating me up from the inside? How can I express it if I never see anyone? Does anyone have Lee Clark’s address?

Ngog will never score a hat-trick:

Gutted56 wrote:2-0 down to the worst side in the league. I bet that cunt Ngog comes on now and scores a hat-trick just to rub it in. Clark out.

The bedsheets are out:

ClarkMustGoNow wrote:Leave this club now Clark you twat, we didn’t want you in the first place, just fuck off back to the North East. Two down to a club without a win and hardly a goal all season. Fuck off.

But then Zigic pulls one back and it’s game on!

Yessssss! Get in my son. I knew Herman Munster would come good.

Fuck Tony Knowles!

At  last! Now let’s attack these cunts and get the 3 points

They are shit, come on!

Fuck you Fredman and your oily sidekick

Zigic is gonna get you, gonna get you

3-2 City, I can see it!

FUCK OFF NEIL DANNS!

The game moves into injury time and Liam Feeney seems to handle the ball in the penalty area but the ref waves away the protests. Half of Birmingham goes mental:

Are you shittin me ref, dat was a fukin pen you fukin cheat

Who is this blind cunt?

It’s a pity this twats eyes aren’t as big as his ears

Cheating Bolton bastards, same old Bolton, always cheating.

Fuck me, he virtually caught the fucking ball

I really don’t believe that, I really don’t. No really I don’t. Ok I do, refs are biased.

REF CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does Dougie use Paypal?

LambShank wrote:Seriously, you have to doubt the impartibility of refs these days. Someone should be checking this cunts bank account right now – I bet there’s a fucking big Paypal payment from DouglasFreedman69.

Refs are shit:

KillaKarma wrote:That is a penalty in any game, in any country, in any era. Feeney fuckin jumped up to try and catch the fucker! Something has to be done about these refs.

Jobsworth is back and this time he has a direct line to Sepp Blatter:

Jobsworth wrote:You shouldn’t be able to jump in football. I’ll e-mail FIFA.

The game ends and the natives are very restless, but Dom looks on the bright side:

Honest_Dom wrote:WE ARE FUCKED. FUCKED I TELL YA! DID I TELL YOU WE ARE FUCKED. CLARK OUT. FUCKED WE ARE.

LoveHate1981 wrote:We are going down. Bolton are the worst team in the league and they beat us easily. We are a laughing stock. Fuck off Clark

Flower Power wrote:Clark you twat, try watching a re-run of that shit without being sick. Wanker!

LPM is on the move and he's had enough:

LonelyPlaceMan wrote:I'm heading round to Clark's house right now. I will block his toilet, shag his cat, write 'You Smell' on his bedroom wall, and flash his neighbour. I warned you Clark.

Excellent, as usual dearest Natasha!

Give up your day job... these are priceless.

Fantastic!!

Ha Bolton have that dick Beckford upfront again, they'll never score  

Some good ones there Natasha!

Very funny. Some classic one liners!  

Brilliant !

Good there young Nat. Keep it up !

Funny stuff as usual Nat.  

Thanks Nat. Just goes to show it's not just our fans that are completely OTT with unrealistic expectations that leave them bouncing from one extreme to the other yet managing to avoid reality at every turn.

Natasha is it just me or are our friends from the midlands a little disappointed with how the game went? I can't be sure but suggesting that Mr Clark's cat would be a suitable partner for sexual intercourse while putting graffiti on his wall does seem to suggest that particular Birmingham fan is experiencing negative emotions towards his team's manager. Unfortunately I don't have my pocket Brum to English dictionary so I may be misunderstanding what they're trying to convey but it does seem to suggest that the blues fans are a little discontented. 

Hello and welcome Lucky Peter.

How lucky are you?

Very, I got married the day Rovers battered us and managed to have such a great day I didn't even care that we took a battering from the blue and white dingles and I haven't actually seen us lose since. I'd call that karma at the very least.   

Hi LPP, another one from JA606 joins here!

luckyPeterpiper wrote:Natasha is it just me or are our friends from the midlands a little disappointed with how the game went? I can't be sure but suggesting that Mr Clark's cat would be a suitable partner for sexual intercourse while putting graffiti on his wall does seem to suggest that particular Birmingham fan is experiencing negative emotions towards his team's manager. Unfortunately I don't have my pocket Brum to English dictionary so I may be misunderstanding what they're trying to convey but it does seem to suggest that the blues fans are a little discontented. 

Let's face it, all fans are disconcerted if their team isn't near the top. I suspect if I'd done a 'Behind Enemy Lines' for Bolton fans after the Ewood defeat it would have been much worse than the above!

Hi norpig good to see you're about still.

Natasha I rather imagine that after the Blackburn game (to be charitable about it) every member here would have been banned for using words even worse than those in the OP above and making suggestions about where the corner flag and Mr Freedman should meet.  

That's always assuming they didn't use the floodlight pylons from Burnden Park (or are they still buried in Mr Megson and Mr S Lee?).  

On a more serious note I just hope that the win really is the first sign that we've truly turned the corner and we can start to play to our full capabilities now. I honestly believe our first choice eleven is good enough to get promotion on paper but only if they all play the way we know they can when they're at their best.

Not being flippant but what is our first choice eleven?

If as I suspect it includes a number of loanees - then unless we get them back for the second part of the season, then the wheels will once again fall off our promotion push.

PS, I see from your avatar that you seem to be in the small and real camp than the big and false one!

Also, although I don't know you, congratulations on your recent nuptial.

I know sluffy and I don't think it's flippant at all to ask the question because I've been racking my brains trying to come up with a first choice eleven all season. I guess that if all were fit and on form my starters would be 

Bogdan
Mills
Wheater
Baptiste
Tierney
Eagles
Lee
Feeney
Holden
Beckford
Ngog

I think I'd go with a four four two or maybe 4-4-1-1 with Ngog in the hole but since a few aren't fit and others are out of form it's likely others will disagree. I think Lee and Eagles would be best as out and out wingers but only if we have full backs with pace who can cover the gaps behind them if they go on a run. 

And thanks for the good wishes and the comment on my avatar. Fortunately MrsPiper is a very understanding woman. 

No room for mark Davies, Peter?