Practical jokes.

RT, I am really enjoying your story, but finding this cliffhanger routine a bit painful. I want to get on with my life, not refresh the bloody page every 20 minutes.

It's nearly over..... thank Christ. Last night I was too engrossed in the demise of the legendary football city of Mancunia.. or should that be Valhalla ?

Whilst we are waiting for the next instalment from RT I'll slip this one in:
Me, the GF and my Edinburgh mate were students in Stirling in the 70s (yes - the Queen thing before you ask) We were coming back to Bolton but the collective train fare was an outrageous £50 odd quid return (for the 3 of us) so we asked a guy we knew if we could borrow the Anglia he was doing up and we'd pay for the petrol and return it with a full tank (all of which would have cost <£30 in those days.) Said guy was in a bastard mood as his GF had been putting it about (didn't everyone in the 70s?) and he'd come over all possessive so he was unreceptive to our proposal. - and anyway he was going home to Stornaway for a couple of weeks and wouldn't have time to make it "roadworthy". Anglia had no tax, insurance or MOT but thanks to mate's efforts it looked half decent as Anglia's went. He didn't need docs as at that stage he was doing it up and it was parked on the student campus i.e. private land "off the road."
Edinburgh mate got a bit stroppy about t'other mate's unwillingness to share his Anglia (we were all a bit hippy about "possessions" in those days and as mate A was the one who was shagging mate B's GF he seemed to think that there shouldn't be a problem in him sharing his car as well)
So he nicked the Anglia, the 3 of us piled in with a massive carry out and a big bag of you know what and hit the road for England.
Despite everything, we managed to get to Bolton in one piece and spent a fortnight partying until it was time to go back.
During his stay in Bolton, Edinburgh mate had acquired a taste for Whitbread Gold Label - 3 at a time in a pint pot. For the uninitiated, Gold Label was/is? barley wine and not for the faint-hearted when taken in quantity. We loaded up with 2 cases (48 bottles each a third of a pint) and set off for Scotland
By the time we reached the Lakes, we'd run out so mate swerves off to find barley wine before we arrive at the land that doesn't sell it. Ended up buying bottles of Lakeland Mead (undrinkably sweet shite) and gets into necking that whilst driving up the M6.
I couldn't believe we hadn't been busted and sure enough when we are pulling back onto the motorway from that service station near Carlisle, a traffic cop flashes us down on the slip road.
Now I'm not saying that traffic cops are unobservant, but Anglia had 3 bald tyres, no tax disc, pissed driver and naughty smoke pouring out of the windows stinking to high heaven. GF and I stayed in the car but mate gets out and tries his patter on the traffic cop - and incredibly it worked. Got done for having 1 fog light on the front - apparently in those days you had to have 2 or none but you couldn't have one.
Mate totally blags it and gives name and address of the guy who owned the Anglia and traffic cop waves us off.
Get to Glasgow and smoke pours out of the engine and attracts the attention of another traffic cop we'd passed about half a mile back but we'd entered single track roadworks so he couldn't catch up. Mate (now completely slaughtered) veers off the road, smashes through a farmers gate, heads across the field and on reaching a river, jumps out in time to see the cop car pass the gate. Car shoved into river (unecessarily in my view) and we managed to hitch a lift before cop car could turn round and come back for us.
Meanwhile Anglia owner gets back to Stirling (same day as us) notices the car's gone and immediately kicks off with Edinburgh mate asking where it is. Edinburgh mate does his butter wouldn't melt routine.
Anglia owner finally calls the cops to report missing vehicle as stolen and gets lumped with a £20 bill for pulling it out of the river and towing it back. Plus a fine for driving with only one fog lamp in the Carlisle area as he couldn't argue that it wasn't his car and that his name & address had been given at the incident.
Edinburgh mate was crowing about getting away with this and even bought the guy a conciliatory drink or two and joined in his moaning about "bloody car thieves". I always thought this a little cold given than the guy's GF had her gums round mate's plums at every available opportunity.
It all calmed down for a week or so and guy decided to try to do up the Anglia again now that it had all dried out. He needed to weld the floor plate, so the first thing he did was to remove the driver's seat....
...under which he found Edinburgh mate's student ID and a receipt from the motorway services at Carlisle.

Ha Ha. I would loved to have been a fly on the wall when matey boy found the ID card and petrol receipt.

I have half an hour before I start work so I will try and finish off this sorry tale.

Once all the wagons had left the yard I went to my locker and retrieved my kitbag which contained the items I needed. Firstly, I donned a pair of Boots latex gloves. I also had with me a torch and a Makita cordless drill and a pair of stepladders.

On entering the corridor I turned off the lights. Everything went black but the torch was ideal for finding the hole in the ceiling. On locating the spot I used the drill to make the hole bigger, just over an inch in diameter. I then removed from my pocket an old telescopic sight which used to sit proudly on top of my 177 air rifle. I prodded and poked until I was able to force the sight into the orifice with only the end clearly visible. It now looked more like a proper bit of CCTV kit. I then went to the notice board and duly stamped the latest banal memo from Plantpot.

Ten minutes later I was on the road to Crewe. The following morning my time sheets were submitted showing I had visited Tamworth and Crewe after 10pm.

I was then three days off before my next shift and I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn't be around when the shit hit the fan but I have learned that you can't have your cake and eat it..

When I next returned to work the old bulletin board had gone. It had been replaced with a swanky new one with a glass case and it also had a lock on it. The hole in the ceiling had also been filled in with what looked like Polyfilla.

After that, the Bullshit stamp was to retire undefeated.... and I never saw my trusty telescopic sight ever again...

What a read that was RT! Definitely missed your true vocation as a short story writer/reporter.


As regards the discovery of the ID and receipt I have to report that it turned pretty ugly. Anglia guy had decided to play it cool for a couple of days but it was obvious he knew who was behind it and Edinburgh mate, who was reknowned for being a "bit of a lad" was firmly in his sights. For some reason that I still don't understand fully, he exonerated me and the GF from all responsibility (perhaps because we weren't under suspicion of pleasuring his woman). On the third day after the discovery, Anglia guy decides to confront mate and goes round to mate's flat and bangs on the door. Mate emerges in dressing gown, Anglia guy pushes him back into the flat and follows him in aiming a punch....just as Anglia guy's GF emerges from the bedroom and starts screaming her head off.
Fortunately it was limited to a fistfight so only heads and egos were bruised. They remained "enemies" until the day we left Uni.
Still occasionally see Edinburgh mate (every 5 years regular as clockwork) but no idea what happened to Anglia guy. He's still doing the damned car up on the island of Lewis as far as I know.

Great read RT.

My brother was wanted by the police one day and had a warrent for his arrest. (Again)
He was alone in his house when two coppers came knocking...

"Mike Jones?" they enquired as Mike opened the door.
"Oh, he's just popped out" Mike lied without batting an eyelid.
"Do you know when he will be in?" Asked the polite officer, "we need need to talk to him."
"He's only gone to the shop, he should be back in 5 mins. You can come in and wait if you like" said Mike as he turned on the charm.

The officers came in and waited. They had a coffee each, watched the end of some football match on tv and eventually left, deciding Mike wasn't coming home. Mike politely showed them the door and apologised for wasting their time.

For all Mike knows they may have even sat in their car and continued to wait outside but if they did they would have had a long and uneventful stakeout.