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Bolton Nuts » BWFC » Wandering Minds » I'm Never Going On Holiday Again

I'm Never Going On Holiday Again

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1I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 20:15

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
It's taken me 12 months to get over the singed fanny trauma of last year, when that Leicester bellend Nuggy tried to sell me into the Bulgarian sex trade. After months of fanny physio it is now running at almost 95% and I've had the burn scars covered with a tattoo of Rob Earnshaw's face.

So when Mavies said we should go away together I was eager to put the past behind me, I can't let Nuggy confine me to Whittam Towers for the rest of my days, nice as it is.

So which romantic destination did Mavies have in mind? Jamaica, Hawaii, New York or perhaps Milan? No, he wanted to fly to Copenhagen a few days before the BWFC Summer tour. Absolute tosser. Still, a holiday is a holiday.

Copenhagen isn't so bad I told myself, it's got some pretty swanky hotels and if I was going to degrade myself by having intercourse with Mavies I'd at least be doing it between silk sheets (although he did text me a few weeks ago to say he had a fetish for making love in the BWFC tunnel, which does explain his anonymous performances in a white shirt).

Anyway, Mavies informed me we weren't staying at a hotel, an old friend was putting us up. I was immediately worried as I've met some of his friends. There's the guy who collects toe clippings of retired League 1 footballers, the brothers who steal women's underwear and stitch them together to make duvet covers and then sleep in them together while completely naked, Zat Knight, and the elderly gentleman who likes to sniff male bums. They are a right bunch of freaks but nothing to the guy we were staying with - one Mr Stiggle Trofting.

As soon as we walked into his front room I knew I was in trouble. The walls were lined with human heads, displayed like trophies. Ever wondered what happened to David Ngog and Nigel Reo-Coker? Wonder no more. I tried to make a dash for it but Mavies's ears got in the way and I was forced upstairs against my wishes by Mavies and Trofting.

My clothes were removed to reveal nothing but Rob Earnshaw, thankfully his lovely face put Mavies off his game and his little tiddler shrivelled to a size smaller than Magoo's brain. Trofting was already fighting with himself so I made my escape.

As I dashed outside a kindly dwarf took pity on me and offered me a lift to the Preston embassy in Copenhagen, so I took refuge in the back of his van. When the doors opened an hour later I wasn't in Copenhagen I was in some sort of circus, which I soon realised was a travelling freak show - and horror of horrors - I was the main attraction. The bearded lady with wonky tits.

I would have escaped sooner but I was getting £2000 a day plus all the shaving cream I could use.

It's good to be home though. Oh, and for the record, Mavies and I are finished. The jug eared twat.

2I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 20:27

Keegan

Keegan
Moderator
Moderator
At least now Mavies can concentrate on pre-season...

https://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

3I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 20:28

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Welcome home Nat. Brucie nuts is a better place for your presence. Very Happy

4I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 20:30

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin
Welcome back Natasha.

Really glad you did.

5I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 20:33

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Natasha Whittam wrote:

Trofting was already fighting with himself so I made my escape.


 lol! 

6I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:04

Guest


Guest
I think Boggers is psychic......

Kudos to him.

7I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:08

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
So that's where you went, glad to see you're safe and sound

8I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:17

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Breadman wrote:I think Boggers is psychic......

Kudos to him.

He's a bellend. You could be brothers.

9I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:19

Guest


Guest
Aah...that feels better.

Cheers love, I've missed that.

10I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:35

Keegan

Keegan
Moderator
Moderator
Feels like home...

https://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

11I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Sun Jul 13 2014, 21:54

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Natasha Whittam wrote:
Breadman wrote:I think Boggers is psychic......

Kudos to him.

He's a bellend. You could be brothers.

I like Boggers. And Hipster. They bring a balance to the board. Whatever happened to Lofty Love and Spirit of 58 ? Another two posters who were never afraid to tell it as it is.

12I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Mon Jul 14 2014, 14:34

gloswhite

gloswhite
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha
Welcome back Nat. I'm assuming the holiday photos will be available at some later date?

13I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Mon Jul 14 2014, 16:48

wanderlust


Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@gloswhite wrote:Welcome back Nat. I'm assuming the holiday photos will be available at some later date?
..."and this one is of Mark, Nick and Stig snuggling up to the Little Mermaid"...

14I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Mon Jul 14 2014, 17:27

gloswhite

gloswhite
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha
Very Happy

15I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Tue Jul 15 2014, 20:11

Guest


Guest
Wonder if this is linked in any way to the attack on Nat:

http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/11340132.UPDATE__Man_stabbed_in_genitals_in__sickening__pub_attack/?ref=var_0

Targeting peoples' bits in random acts of violence is no laughing matter.

Unless one of them's Whittam, that is.......

16I'm Never Going On Holiday Again Empty Re: I'm Never Going On Holiday Again on Wed Jul 16 2014, 10:03

wanderlust


Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Pound Pub! Genius!

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