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It stinks to high heaven, it's crumbling away as we speak, people don't want to see it, and if it's going anywhere at all, it's going down the pan!
No, I'm not talking about Bolton Wanderers Football Club - I'm talking, of course, about the Half Eaten Hamburger.
One way or another It's been a record-breaking couple of years at the Reebok/Macron Stadium and as October rolls around we reach another milestone in the history of this magnificent sporting arena.
Perched precariously on a ledge above the urinal in the men's toilets, East Stand Upper, among the discarded Golden Gamble tickets and betting slips, the Half Eaten Hamburger celebrates a full twelve months in situ.
It's become a familiar sight to countless Bolton fans who shuffle wearily towards the piss stones, unbutton themselves, stare blankly ahead and contemplate the shortcomings of their team or even suicide.
Thankfully, their spirits are immediately lifted as they catch sight of the Half Eaten Hamburger. In a frightening world where tactics change constantly and team line-ups are bewilderingly unpredictable it comes as a relief to see a familiar sight and know that some things will always, mercifully, remain the same.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HALF EATEN HAMBURGER, AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE!
Said club spokesman Sid Rapelight:
"I'm not lying when I say I'd like to wish the Half Eaten Hamburger a very Happy Birthday. Re-heated snacks come and go but the Half Eaten Hamburger stands like a beacon in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.
Nat Lofthouse would be honoured to know that the stand bearing his name was home to such a faithful servant of the club. In fact we've already commissioned a bronze statue of the Half Eaten Hamburger which will be situated alongside Nat 's at the entrance to the stadium.
At this special time I would particularly like to pay tribute to our maintenance staff. I can proudly say that we take as much care in choosing our cleaners as we do in choosing our team manager, that's how seriously we take it.
We're also planning to bestow "legend" status on the Half Eaten Hamburger by creating a mural of it on the wall above the urinals. Naturally, in doing this we'll be needing to paint round it.
I hope, in fact I'm certain, that the Half Eaten Hamburger will be around for many more years to come."
The board are believed to be contacting The Guinness Book Of Half Eaten Records for some kind of official recognition.
Legendary folk combo, The Howfen Heavers, were so moved to hear about the Half Eaten Hamburger's special day they've decided to re-form and they'll be bringing out a new single* by way of a tribute. According to washboard player Sal Monella, 83, for every record sold the band will be making a donation to the International Society For The Prevention Of Bubonic Plague (Horwich & Lostock Division).
*THE BALLAD OF THE HALF EATEN HAMBURGER
The ref blows half time, I head for a piss.
I get to the bogs and fuck me, what's this?
Am I going mental or is it still here -
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
It's been there a year
It's been there a year
It's fucking disgusting
It's been there a year
It's in front of your eyes when you go for a slash
With lottery tickets and other such trash.
They're not arsed to move it, it's perfectly clear
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
The first time I saw it I had to look twice,
It was covered in fluff and a few pubic lice.
The outbreak of plague is a genuine fear.
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
If Dougie could see it, he'd be filled with emotion:
"That burger's dead meat, like our chance of promotion."
Like the team it's just awful, too rotten to cheer,
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
Repeat chorus Ad Nauseam
Copyright: E. Coli, 2014
No, I'm not talking about Bolton Wanderers Football Club - I'm talking, of course, about the Half Eaten Hamburger.
One way or another It's been a record-breaking couple of years at the Reebok/Macron Stadium and as October rolls around we reach another milestone in the history of this magnificent sporting arena.
Perched precariously on a ledge above the urinal in the men's toilets, East Stand Upper, among the discarded Golden Gamble tickets and betting slips, the Half Eaten Hamburger celebrates a full twelve months in situ.
It's become a familiar sight to countless Bolton fans who shuffle wearily towards the piss stones, unbutton themselves, stare blankly ahead and contemplate the shortcomings of their team or even suicide.
Thankfully, their spirits are immediately lifted as they catch sight of the Half Eaten Hamburger. In a frightening world where tactics change constantly and team line-ups are bewilderingly unpredictable it comes as a relief to see a familiar sight and know that some things will always, mercifully, remain the same.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HALF EATEN HAMBURGER, AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE!
Said club spokesman Sid Rapelight:
"I'm not lying when I say I'd like to wish the Half Eaten Hamburger a very Happy Birthday. Re-heated snacks come and go but the Half Eaten Hamburger stands like a beacon in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.
Nat Lofthouse would be honoured to know that the stand bearing his name was home to such a faithful servant of the club. In fact we've already commissioned a bronze statue of the Half Eaten Hamburger which will be situated alongside Nat 's at the entrance to the stadium.
At this special time I would particularly like to pay tribute to our maintenance staff. I can proudly say that we take as much care in choosing our cleaners as we do in choosing our team manager, that's how seriously we take it.
We're also planning to bestow "legend" status on the Half Eaten Hamburger by creating a mural of it on the wall above the urinals. Naturally, in doing this we'll be needing to paint round it.
I hope, in fact I'm certain, that the Half Eaten Hamburger will be around for many more years to come."
The board are believed to be contacting The Guinness Book Of Half Eaten Records for some kind of official recognition.
Legendary folk combo, The Howfen Heavers, were so moved to hear about the Half Eaten Hamburger's special day they've decided to re-form and they'll be bringing out a new single* by way of a tribute. According to washboard player Sal Monella, 83, for every record sold the band will be making a donation to the International Society For The Prevention Of Bubonic Plague (Horwich & Lostock Division).
*THE BALLAD OF THE HALF EATEN HAMBURGER
The ref blows half time, I head for a piss.
I get to the bogs and fuck me, what's this?
Am I going mental or is it still here -
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
It's been there a year
It's been there a year
It's fucking disgusting
It's been there a year
It's in front of your eyes when you go for a slash
With lottery tickets and other such trash.
They're not arsed to move it, it's perfectly clear
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
The first time I saw it I had to look twice,
It was covered in fluff and a few pubic lice.
The outbreak of plague is a genuine fear.
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
If Dougie could see it, he'd be filled with emotion:
"That burger's dead meat, like our chance of promotion."
Like the team it's just awful, too rotten to cheer,
That half-eaten hamburger's been there a year.
Repeat chorus Ad Nauseam
Copyright: E. Coli, 2014
