Joke Thread

I actually like Tim Vine.

I went to the gym this morning & i asked the trainer which machine i should use to impress the women.
He said "The cash machine you fat twat"

After being thrown in jail, I was bummed relentlessly for an hour.

Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly too seriously !

Whatever you do, do not join Tescos dating agency. You get lumbered with a bag for life!

Did you know that Danny Wellbeck's dad served as a bomb disposal expert in Belfast ? He was called Stan Wellbeck.

Keep them coming RT!

A woman brings eight year old johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, " Let's not be too harsh on them...they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
" Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. " He's taken her fcuking appendix out!"

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came
into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

I've just started dating a policewoman. She only shaves her private parts once a week. My pet name for her is ' Cuntstubble.'

One from the fat dead Irish guy:

I don't think my wife loves me anymore. When I had a heart attack she immediately wrote for an ambulance.

A bomb got thrown into my mum and dads bedroom the other night and blasted them both out of the window.

The first time they have been out together in years.

Irish historians have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man who ever lived. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

Reebok Trotter wrote:Irish historians have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man who ever lived. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the- blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus

I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging,my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off..

Thank you for that one!

OneOinCoyle wrote:
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the- blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus

I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging,my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off..

That raised a titter!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £80. Hot Breakfast: £3. Two Aspirins: £1. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

I bumped into a cross eyed women today, she said "you better look where your going", I said "feck off, you better go where your looking"

I had a dream I was constantly driving round a roundabout whilst masturbating.............. I was tossing and turning all night.

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump. ' When I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain instructor unzipped his fly and drops out a 12" todger and says " If you don't jump Paddy, your'e gonna get this baby right where the sun doesn't shine!"

Mick says, " Did you jump ?" Paddy says, " A bit, when it first went in."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear the worlds greatest blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."