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so this is a little something i have been working on.
I thought with the recent news of one of our mods getting some news that willruin change his life forever i would gauge public opinion as to whether or not to continue writing it.
So you get the gist, it is supposed to be modeled on a kids picture book (Think Julia Donaldson, the gruffalo etc)
Chapter one: The Test
I thought with the recent news of one of our mods getting some news that will
So you get the gist, it is supposed to be modeled on a kids picture book (Think Julia Donaldson, the gruffalo etc)
Chapter one: The Test
So you only went and did it didn’t you
And now you’re sitting there with baited breath
For news that will surely bring
The signal of your death
Of course it’s not that bad really
As she walks in from the bathroom
“Can you put down your PlayStation pad a minute”
“Give me a second I will finish soon!”
“This is actually quite important
You’re going to be a dad
Why aren’t you smiling
I thought you would be glad”
It’s not that I’m unhappy about it
I’ve just got a million things running through my head
The cost of nappies and feeding the thing
To finding it a bed
Of course I don’t say this out loud
“I am happy, I’m over the moon!
I’m ready for a new challenge in my life
It couldn’t have come a moment too soon!”
While saying all the right things
I’m working out how many times a day the thing will shit
The average price of a nappy
It’s going to cost us quite a bit
But that’s neither here or there really
As its time to get my head straight
For this was written in the stars
Surely it was fate
I put down my PlayStation controller
And give the missus a kiss
Make the most of that my friend
As that’s the first thing off the list
No more boozing until all hours under the sun
Our impromptu football matches
Everything you want to do from here on in
Will always come with catches
So now you know you’re going to be a dad
The proudest moment of your life
All the happiness it will surely bring
Along with trouble and strife
Chapter 2 - The Parents
“Who shall we tell first” she asks
Like I really have the answer she wants to hear
Because as soon as it’s said out loud
It’s more real and ignites more fear
“We can tell them both together
Maybe take them out for something to drink
We won’t have to pay after telling them that
Or at least that’s what I think”
“Yeah we will do that” she agrees
So she starts to make some calls
While I take five minutes
To gently scratch my balls
A time and a place is agreed
We will soon be making it known
Surely our parents are experts
And some shortcuts can be shown
“So are we going to get a taxi
So we can all have a drink”
She looks at me like I’m stupid
“What do you think?”
“I’m pregnant and can’t drink
Why don’t you just think of you”
Five minutes in she’s already hormonal
And getting a bit snappy too
So I drive to meet the parents
And break the news they want to hear
They are going to be grandparents
They start to shed a tear
“We’ll buy this” and “we’ll buy that”
It’s starting to get easier already
With everyone buying something
I’ll only have to spring for a teddy
Surely there isn’t going to be
Much more the baby will need
Apart from clothing and stuff
Oh, and the occasional feed
But is she’s going to feed it her self
Then that will save us some cash
Now I’m thinking more rationally
I’m ready to give this a bash
Chapter 3 - The Early Stages
Everything is coated in secrecy
Until the first scan has been done
Not allowed to tell a soul
That in your missus’s oven there is a bun
You start to notice more around you
Prams, clothes, tiny shoes and toys
Not venturing into the girly stuff
I tend to stick with the boys
But if it’s a girl I’d worry too much
I know what boys are like
Then I remember the speech from bad boys 2
The one made by mike
A boy would be less stressful
And I make the mistake of saying this out loud
“As long as it’s healthy it shouldn’t matter
Either way you should be proud”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t be
I just think I won’t have as much stress
Doesn’t mean I’m not going to love the thing
Anymore or any less”
“That just sums you up doesn’t it
Don’t you call our baby a thing
Until further notice
It’s a little queen or king!”
Bollocks to that I think
I’m not going to be that dad
Pretending to be a monster in the park
Looking really sad
Next my shoe of choice will be a sandal
Worn with over washed white socks
Not being funny or anything
But I always call them cocks
Over compensating with their kids
For lack of interpersonal skills with adults
Looking like a bible salesman
Or a member of multiple cults
There’s not much to report just yet
Just a long wait until the first scan
It feels like forever
Before I become a “real man”
