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Oh Bollocks...........a book for dad's and dad's to be everywhere

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Guest


Guest

so this is a little something i have been working on.

I thought with the recent news of one of our mods getting some news that will ruin change his life forever i would gauge public opinion as to whether or not to continue writing it.

So you get the gist, it is supposed to be modeled on a kids picture book (Think Julia Donaldson, the gruffalo etc)

Chapter one:  The Test

So you only went and did it didn’t you
And now you’re sitting there with baited breath
For news that will surely bring
The signal of your death
 
Of course it’s not that bad really
As she walks in from the bathroom
“Can you put down your PlayStation pad a minute”
“Give me a second I will finish soon!”
 
“This is actually quite important
You’re going to be a dad
Why aren’t you smiling
I thought you would be glad”
 
It’s not that I’m unhappy about it
I’ve just got a million things running through my head
The cost of nappies and feeding the thing
To finding it a bed


Of course I don’t say this out loud
“I am happy, I’m over the moon!
I’m ready for a new challenge in my life
It couldn’t have come a moment too soon!”
 
While saying all the right things
I’m working out how many times a day the thing will shit
The average price of a nappy
It’s going to cost us quite a bit
 
But that’s neither here or there really
As its time to get my head straight
For this was written in the stars
Surely it was fate
 
I put down my PlayStation controller
And give the missus a kiss
Make the most of that my friend
As that’s the first thing off the list
 
 
No more boozing until all hours under the sun
Our impromptu football matches
Everything you want to do from here on in
Will always come with catches
 
So now you know you’re going to be a dad
The proudest moment of your life
All the happiness it will surely bring

Along with trouble and strife


Chapter 2 - The Parents


“Who shall we tell first” she asks
Like I really have the answer she wants to hear
Because as soon as it’s said out loud
It’s more real and ignites more fear
 
“We can tell them both together
Maybe take them out for something to drink
We won’t have to pay after telling them that
Or at least that’s what I think”
 
“Yeah we will do that” she agrees
So she starts to make some calls
While I take five minutes
To gently scratch my balls
 
A time and a place is agreed
We will soon be making it known
Surely our parents are experts
And some shortcuts can be shown


“So are we going to get a taxi
So we can all have a drink”
She looks at me like I’m stupid
“What do you think?”
 
“I’m pregnant and can’t drink
Why don’t you just think of you”
Five minutes in she’s already hormonal
And getting a bit snappy too
 
So I drive to meet the parents
And break the news they want to hear
They are going to be grandparents
They start to shed a tear
 
“We’ll buy this” and “we’ll buy that”
It’s starting to get easier already
With everyone buying something
I’ll only have to spring for a teddy
 
Surely there isn’t going to be
Much more the baby will need
Apart from clothing and stuff
Oh, and the occasional feed
 
But is she’s going to feed it her self
Then that will save us some cash
Now I’m thinking more rationally

I’m ready to give this a bash


Chapter 3 - The Early Stages

Everything is coated in secrecy
Until the first scan has been done
Not allowed to tell a soul
That in your missus’s oven there is a bun
 
You start to notice more around you
Prams, clothes, tiny shoes and toys
Not venturing into the girly stuff
I tend to stick with the boys
 
But if it’s a girl I’d worry too much
I know what boys are like
Then I remember the speech from bad boys 2
The one made by mike
 
A boy would be less stressful
And I make the mistake of saying this out loud
“As long as it’s healthy it shouldn’t matter
Either way you should be proud”


“I didn’t say I wouldn’t be
I just think I won’t have as much stress
Doesn’t mean I’m not going to love the thing
Anymore or any less”
 
“That just sums you up doesn’t it
Don’t you call our baby a thing
Until further notice
It’s a little queen or king!”
 
Bollocks to that I think
I’m not going to be that dad
Pretending to be a monster in the park
Looking really sad
 
Next my shoe of choice will be a sandal
Worn with over washed white socks
Not being funny or anything
But I always call them cocks
 
Over compensating with their kids
For lack of interpersonal skills with adults
Looking like a bible salesman
Or a member of multiple cults
 
There’s not much to report just yet
Just a long wait until the first scan
It feels like forever

Before I become a “real man”

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

:clap: :number1:

Pretty good effort that mate. It captures early fatherhood well and that's what makes it good - a lot of it rings quite true. I would definitely continue of I were you. You'll get even better with time and practice.

Guest


Guest

Chapter 4 – The first Scan
 
So the day is here and it’s all a rush
To get to the temple of doom
Of course I mean the hospital
And it’s grim waiting room
 
I’m actually prepared and got pound coins
To put in the token machine
3 tokens per picture is needed
Of our future king or queen
 
Damn it I said I wouldn’t call it that
I’m starting to change already
Sitting there in the room all nervous
Trying to keep my hands steady
 
The waiting room is packed and full
Of people from all walks of life
“How can she be pregnant” I say
“She looks old enough to be taken out with a scythe”


“Stop staring at people, it won’t be long
I think we are next in”
“Can’t wait to find out if it is a boy”
I say with a childish grin
 
“That’s not this time, are you stupid
It’s just to check everything is alright”
“So why can’t they tell us what it is
Just seems a bit tight!”
 
“They can’t tell what it is yet
They will explain when we are in”
So I leave it alone for now
And listen to the waiting room din
 
They call us in and it’s finally our turn
To step in and see what our future holds
As she sits up on the table
The story starts to unfold
  
He squirts some hair gel onto her belly
And winds her with a white plastic thing
Then there on the little monitor
Is our future queen or king
 
Why am I getting emotional
When I can’t even make out what is what
It’s not as if I’m crying just a little
It’s a whole bloody lot
 
It’s not even out yet
And it’s turned me into a mess
But now I know there is a little person there
I’m going to strive to be my best.
 
 Chapter 5 – The small things
 
Already things are starting to change
They creep up on you out of the blue
Seems perfectly normal to women
Mental to me and you
 
Cravings are just the beginning
Nipping out at bed time for lemon cake
“The water isn’t cold enough”
“What can I do for fucks sake”
 
“Well there’s no need to be like that
I know it isn’t your fault
I should have put them in the freezer
Just take me with a pinch of salt”
 
If only she was that reasonable all the time
Instead of sending me to Mackie’s at 2am
Just cos she’s got an anchoring for ice cold Fanta
But how can you not do it for them


The cravings and mood swings are one thing
But the nesting craze is off its tits
Finding you constant DIY to do
Sawing stuff in half so it fits
 
“It has to be ready for the baby
I want it looking perfect when king or queen comes home”
Give me a few extra hours a day

And I’ll build the bloody thing a throne


Thats all ive done so far.

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Credit to you Johnny if you have composed that yourself. Nuts has a budding Poet Laureate in the making!

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Well done Johnny. Obviously a lot of thought gone into that.

You'll be taking commissions next Very Happy

Bolton Nuts


Admin

Sell it for fathers day.

https://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

Guest


Guest

Thanks all. I do need to finish it. Keeping doing bits to various things I'm doing at the minute and then going back to them. Smile

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