Best Comedy Lines Ever

Jez: "If people only did everything they wanted, everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet, watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably."

Mark: (To muggers) "Do me? Are they going to rape.... me or kill me? If they rape and kill me i hope they kill me first... I sort of win"

Jez - "so finally justice is served ... well, not actual justice, just what I wanted, which is basically the same thing"

Jez; "This is exactly like watching a porno - only I can't see anything, haven't got a boner and I want to cry."

"It's only through the miracle of consumer capitalism that you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth, and a little tablet with a picture of a chicken on it isn't going to change that.

Now, come on. Fuck off.

Jez: Stop pissing on my bonfire.
Mark: There is no bonfire!
Jez: That's because you keep pissing on it!

Jez: Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off, he literally couldn't. He actually physically couldn't do it.

Hans: It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a fucking cure.
Mark: I think they're trying.
Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.

OneOinCoyle wrote:Jez. Crunchy nut cornflakes are just frosties for wankers

Mark. Yeah well, frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face reality.

Mrs. Slocombe wrote:[removes her gas mask] What about this fog! My pussy's been gasping all night.