Happy Birthday Boncey

For yesterday!

Happy Birthday Bonce

Cheers Boncey:

I have a sicknote for yesterday.

7  hours at Blackpool Victoria Oncology unit.

Thanks all. Hope everything went well Cajun. And nice to see you popping back in Boggers.
However, things took an alarming turn on Sunday night, as I looked forward to my 71st.
It's highly embarrassing, and I suppose I should just bury it, but I can laugh about it now, so settle back.
It all started on Friday, when I popped in to see mum, to see if she needed anything. All she wanted was a brush head replaced on its stale. I said no problem, and took the items home.
Of course I forgot. I'll do it Saturday, I thought. Come Saturday, and with the game fast approaching, I left it again.
On Sunday night, I popped round once again to check on mum, and she wondered where the hell her brush was.
Right I said, I was going strait to bed, but I'll do it now, and bring it round tomorrow.
Well, I got in, and found, to my annoyance, that the stale was metal, and wouldn't take a screw.
No problem, I thought, I'll use super glue. (Anyone who knows me would now be getting worried).
Placing some newspaper across my desk to protect it, I gave the brush head and stale a good dose of the glue, and decided to leave it there overnight.
This is when things got interesting.
I was bursting for a pee, so made my way to the bog. I was wearing track suit bottoms, with no fly, so had to pull them down to pee.
Having emptied my bladder, I found my fingers were stuck to my pisser!
In a blind panic, I tried to think of how to unstick myself. Warm water and soap was the first thing to enter my thoughts, so made my way to the bathroom. Deciding not to do anything in haste, I draped a bath towel over the side of the bath, so I could sit on it and think calmly.
After a few minutes, I decided that bathing the area in warm water and soap was the way to go.
Unfortunately, I must have also got glue on the towel, because when I got up to turn the sink tap on, I found it was stuck to my arse, adding insult to injury.
I gazed into my shaving mirror, and thought, 'I'm 71 tomorrow'.
Every shred of dignity was gone, and I determined that, whatever happened, I was not ending up at A+E, and becoming one of those 'and finally' stories on News At Ten.
I decided the towel could wait, and got to work on my nether regions, and, to my immense relief, after half an hour, my hand came free. What joy.
I then filled the bath, and wallowed in it for a good forty minutes, before the towel too came free.
I put the towel in the wash basket, donned my pyjamas, and toddled off to bed.
I considered posting the story on here yesterday, but thought it might ruin my birthday thread, only to discover late last night that you miserable bastards hadn't even started one.
Still, it's been a quiet weekend.
All things considered.

And I thought Free Willy was about a whale...

...not a tiddler!




Belated best wishes.

Hope you had a great day anyway!

Sluffy wrote:And I thought Free Willy was about a whale?


Belated best wishes.

Hope you had a great day anyway!

Thanks Sluffy. 
I know I can laugh now, but I seriously thought it might be a hospital job.

The tips of my fingers are still rock hard from the horrible stuff.

They could have made a new series just with you on it called Bizarre ER

boltonbonce wrote:The tips of my fingers are still rock hard from the horrible stuff.

Well at least somethings rock hard at 71!

Sluffy wrote:

boltonbonce wrote:The tips of my fingers are still rock hard from the horrible stuff.

Well at least somethings rock hard at 71!

Sluffy wrote:

Well at least somethings rock hard at 71!

 My brother will dine out on this for years.

Happy belated birthday Bonce!  Glad you managed to free yourself too.

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Happy belated birthday Bonce!  Glad you managed to free yourself too.

Cheers mate. I'd have cut my balls off rather than go to A+E.

Gave me a good laugh as always bonce

Poor you, Bonce. A harrowing, panic-inducing tale rather like the one I remember from a couple of years ago, featuring reviews of Veet hair removal cream, which advocated never ever applying this substance anywhere near your pubes or risk a sensation something akin to setting fire to one's gonads.

I'm sure the reviews are still knocking around on the internet somewhere but I'm too sleepy to search right now. I remember them being hilarious, so do make the effort to track them down,
   
Anyway, happy belated birthday, Bonce. I'm glad you avoided any further embarrassment at hospital...

okocha wrote:Poor you, Bonce. A harrowing, panic-inducing tale rather like the one I remember from a couple of years ago, featuring reviews of Veet hair removal cream, which advocated never ever applying this substance anywhere near your pubes or risk a sensation something akin to setting fire to one's gonads.

I'm sure the reviews are still knocking around on the internet somewhere but I'm too sleepy to search right now. I remember them being hilarious, so do make the effort to track them down,
   
Anyway, happy belated birthday, Bonce. I'm glad you avoided any further embarrassment at hospital...

Thanks mate. I'll certainly be avoiding Veet. I can ill afford further humiliation.

Be a devil Bonce.

Post it on Tik Tok, whatever that is.

Cajunboy wrote:Be a devil Bonce.

Post it on Tik Tok, whatever that is.

I can only thank my lucky stars I don't film much. I would  guarantee an iPhone would have stuck itself to me as well.
By the way, I had to cut some clumps of hair off the next morning. It even got as far as my head! It's bloody lethal stuff in the wrong hands.
It also explains why my brother will never lend me his circular saw, despite my protestations of competence.

Happy belated Birthday Boncey! Loved the story as well, only you could have done this 

Happy belated birthday, Bonce. I hope it was fun!