Fantasy Dinner (or if you're working class like me, Tea) guests.

Cheers to Boncey for inspiring this thread.

If you could invite any five people, living or dead, round your gaff for a plate of beans on toast and a few bottles of Lambrini, who would it be and why?

(You get one Wild Card choice by the way.)

Here's mine:

Alexander The Great - Conquered most of the known world by the age of 29 and then cried for a bit because there wasn't owt left to do, as chronicled by Sir Sid of Waddell with his famous "salt tears" reference. 

When I was 29, all I was arsed about was watching Bolton and getting drunk.

Winston Churchill - Did he shit himself a bit about that little Austrian bloke and was he really convinced that we'd pull it off?

Come on, Winnie.....be honest.

Dr Martin Luther King - Now that man took some shit.

But retained an air of dignity in the face of extreme adversity and wound up paying the ultimate price. (No jokes on this one, he was a giant and he played a part in changing the world.)

Joey Essex - Just so I could punch the feckless twat.

I don't mind him being thick, I just resent the fact that he's a millionaire because of it.

And he could wash up while the rest of us drank Cognac and smoked Cuban cigars.

Nye Bevan - Just so that when the Cognac had kicked in and I was getting all maudlin about how the Labour Party had killed itself, he could make me feel better about being a Socialist and restore my faith in the British people.


Wild Card:


Dawkins - That man is God! (See what I did there?)

Who are yours?

Georgie Best .
Couldn't give a fuck about him being a manu player, just thought he was one hell of a player and drinker

Bernard Manning.
So I could try and take the piss out of him.

Frankie Worthy.
So I could tell him I was behind the goal on The Embankment, when he scored that wonder goal against Ipswich.

JFK.
So I could tell him as a 12yrs old he had me shitting myself thinking the World was going to end and we were all going to die.

Bob Dylan
Just to say you really made some good Tunes .

Cuban missile crisis, I take it?

We had The Falklands when I was 12.

No mention of nuclear missiles and the possibility of a third world war.

We had it lucky.

And we won.

It was The Cuban Missile Crisis.

Although nothing happened, at that time I was aware of the severity of the situation.

God knows what our Parents, Family and Friends went through during the two World Wars.

Can't imagine what that must have been like.

Having read about it, it was proper brinksmanship and than fuck Kruschev backed down.

Kids shouldn't have to worry about that shit.

You should be worrying about if it's going to be sunny enough to play cricket tomorrow or whether or not your tadpoles will survive in that jam jar.

Just getting ready for work,so I'll get back to this later. 
Won't be putting Brucie on the list though. The others might not turn up if I did.

Paul Gascoigne - All time favourite player and piss pot

Pete Doherty - One of my favourite POETS but i also like his music.

Richard Ashcroft - Best Songwriter ever (In my opinion before people start going bat shit crazy)

Mick Foley - Although Chris Jericho is my favourite wrestler of all time (hence the y2johnny  ) Mick Foley has had the craziest most insane wrestling career.  All the people who want to make a joke about wrestling being fake, see if you can pull up his injury list or find some of the barbed wire and explosive matches he had in Japan.

Beth Orton - She's what heaven sounds like

Wildcard - John Lennon, i've recently found myself falling out of love with mr lennon due to some things i have read about him.  he would be my wild card but only if he promised to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so i could either have my faith restored or never invite him back

Helen of Troy
Cleopatra
Marilyn Monroe
Ava Gardner
Helen Mirren (when she was a lot younger)

Peter Ustinov or Stephen Fry or Tony Benn. or David Mitchell.....witty and fascinating raconteurs

Joni MItchell.... the greatest poet, musician, artist of our generation. How can anyone be so multi-talented with lyrics, ideas, instruments, styles of music, painting? Many say that that her reflections on life and love resonate so closely with their own that the realisation someone else has felt the same has been a life-saver. I want to know the whole story about giving up her baby and finding her again as an adult.

Denise Milani......for scenic value if the conversation flags


Adolf Hitler or the head of IS.....provided that we are given free rein to do whatever we like to them

Lee Mack for brief comic contributions

xmiles wrote:Helen of Troy
Cleopatra
Marilyn Monroe
Ava Gardner
Helen Mirren (when she was a lot younger)

You won't get a word in.
Or anything else in for that matter.

boltonbonce wrote:

xmiles wrote:Helen of Troy
Cleopatra
Marilyn Monroe
Ava Gardner
Helen Mirren (when she was a lot younger)

You won't get a word in.
Or anything else in for that matter.

Well I can dream.

Dave Grohl, basically because the guy is an absolute legend. I could talk to him about his music, both Foo Fighters and Nirvana and get him to do some acoustic versions of my favourite songs.

Patrick Moore, another legend in my eyes, because I love all things astronomical and the bloke could waffle on about the universe all day and I'd never get bored. Stephen Hawking or Brian Cox would be acceptable stand ins should Patrick decide he doesn't wish to share his infinite knowledge of the universe  with a pleb like me.

Bruce Rioch, so I could talk to him about the first really successful era in my life as a Wanderer. Especially the times when we played the role of giant killers. 

Sam Allardyce for similar reasons. I would love to hear him reminiscing about his years at the club as a manager during the next best era for me following BWFC.

Phil Gartside and Eddie Davies I would love to have over. I would tie them in chairs back to back and perform Guantanamo style interrogations to find out exactly what the fuck is going on behind the scenes with finances and everything else.

Abraham Lincoln,great man,and very,very funny.
Mark Twain,for the same reasons.
Laurel & Hardy,just so I could hug them,and thank them for making my world a better place.(I'm counting them as one choice)
Woody Guthrie,a long time hero of mine. Would love to see him and Abe pissed as farts,and and giving 'My Way' some welly.
Richard P. Feynman,an incredible scientist,and a matchless communicator. If You've never heard of him ,click the link.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyqleIxXTpw

Wild card. Brucie. What a night it would be.

I've got that documentary saved in my Sky planner from when it was on BBC4 a while back.

It ain't getting deleted anytime soon.

Brilliant man.

And you don't have to be a science geek to enjoy his writings.
Might try and sneak Carl Sagan in through the kitchen window.

I notice it's all stag,apart from xmiles,the dirty boy. Might think up an all female guest list.
They can wash the dishes later,an added bonus.

Just hearing this music takes me back to being a kid watching Cosmos and being completely in awe of Carl Sagan.

Even now, I could listen to his voice for hours.

Another giant of our time.




Why the fuck would you need organised religion when there are people like Sagan knocking about?

Loved Cosmos.
Speaking of theme music,nutters of a certain age must remember this. Saturday morning,a bowl of cornflakes and probably the first foreign tv programme I'd ever seen.

I'm going to spend the weekend mulling this over before I narrow down the field to five.

Barry Humphreys - Sharp as a razor. Excellent comedian. 
 
Caroline Aherne - People say there's no talented comediennes but she makes nearly all the comedians male or otherwise at the minute look useless. 

Jimmy Wagg - What a guy!

Gary Megson - To give him a detailed breakdown of why he's an all round fuckface. 

Natasha Whittam - See Gay Megson, plus a friendly chat over an Asda pizza.