Those of you that follow my work closely will remember that this time last year I joined a dating website to improve my chances of meeting a potential partner. There are only so many Championship level footballers with blow-torches you can put up with, so I thought going online might bring me into a contact with a better class of man.
To be honest I quickly gave up on the dating website as it seemed to be frequented by freaks and weirdos, a bit like Bolton Nuts but with more photos of the male penis.
Anyway, I realised a few weeks back that my mistake was signing up to a free dating website like 'Plenty of Fish'. I've been told it's just a playground for married people to have affairs, or shy people to pretend they're in a relationship just because they message a woman 250 miles away. No one is interested in a long term relationship.
So I decided to sign up for a dating website where you had to pay for membership. I chose e-Harmony as it's pretty well known. Surely the fact you had to front up with your credit card would put off the timewasters who had no intention of a meaningful relationship? How wrong I was.
I did everything by the book this time. I chose 5 photographs, of which none showed my singed minge or Businesswoman of the Year trophies, and wrote a brief description of myself. Here it is:
Anyway, after two weeks of being on e-Harmony it is clear I am going to die alone with my stash of Twirls. Here is a selection of the replies:
As you can see, the internet is just full of perverts. Why can't I find a decent man? Some of you bellends are on your second or third marriage, why can't I find just one?
To be honest I quickly gave up on the dating website as it seemed to be frequented by freaks and weirdos, a bit like Bolton Nuts but with more photos of the male penis.
Anyway, I realised a few weeks back that my mistake was signing up to a free dating website like 'Plenty of Fish'. I've been told it's just a playground for married people to have affairs, or shy people to pretend they're in a relationship just because they message a woman 250 miles away. No one is interested in a long term relationship.
So I decided to sign up for a dating website where you had to pay for membership. I chose e-Harmony as it's pretty well known. Surely the fact you had to front up with your credit card would put off the timewasters who had no intention of a meaningful relationship? How wrong I was.
I did everything by the book this time. I chose 5 photographs, of which none showed my singed minge or Businesswoman of the Year trophies, and wrote a brief description of myself. Here it is:
31 year old woman seeks man aged 35-45 for meaningful relationship. I am funny, intelligent and loving and expect you to be the same. Men who are intimidated by successful women should not reply. Ditto men who think it's a turn on to introduce themselves with a photo of their tiny genitalia. Messages from professional footballers playing in anything but the Premier League will be ignored.
Anyway, after two weeks of being on e-Harmony it is clear I am going to die alone with my stash of Twirls. Here is a selection of the replies:
Dave, 41, Bury wrote:Hi Natasha, you look familiar. Do you go dogging in Worsley every Sunday evening?
Victor, 38, Wirral wrote:can I smash your front doors in? will settle for back doors if I must
Mark, 35, Salford wrote:You said not to send photos of small genitalia but what about big ones? I'm ready with my camera.
Daz, 43, Morecambe wrote:will you marry me please natasha I just wanked to your pics. my mum not happy
Simon, 58, Manchester wrote:Hello Natasha, I'm not in your age range but I've been told I look much younger than 58 and my last girlfriend was only 34. I have a flash motor and big cock, surely that makes up for my age?
Gerry, 44, Chorley wrote:do you do home visits? my wife is out every Tuesday & Thursday evening.
Jason, 24, Fulwood wrote:I love to fuck older women. Message me back.
Annie, 37, Horwich wrote:have u ever drunk from the furry cup
Gary, 45, Chorley wrote:I'm into watersports and I don't mean surfing. Does that turn you on? If it does I can be pissed on every evening between 6-8pm as my wife has spin class.
Darren, 36, Warrington wrote:I'm a 36 year old virgin with no experience of women. I'm tired of masturbating every night to Babestation, I think I have a lot to offer the right woman. Does my lack of experience bother you?
Ken, 44, Bolton wrote:r u my barbie?
Trevor, 48, Liverpool wrote:Hi Nat, do you do 3somes? My wife is 29 and seriously hot but aches to experience another woman while I watch. Can pay travel expenses.
Harry, 40, Kendal wrote:i'm typing with my left hand wanking with my right
Jack, 39, Garstang wrote:by meaningful relationship do you mean using a condom?
Clive, 37, Manchester wrote:I'm dating a giant with large hands. Help!
Ivan, 42, Carnforth wrote:you look like you take it up the arse
Colin, 45, Burnley wrote:you look just like my sister
Frank, 43, Bolton wrote:I havnt had sex for over 3 years - can u help me
David, 36, Blackpool wrote:whats your sexual fantasy natasha? mine is to gobble on a cock while you watch.
Magoo, 49, Devon wrote:i've been alone with these animals to long
Jake, 34, Salford wrote:do you have cam so I can wank for you
Tom, 34, Lancaster wrote:have you ever been smothered in chocolate natasha?
Karl, 29, Bolton wrote:Have you ever visited Bargain Booze
Kelvin, 44, Manchester wrote:do you fuck on the first date?
As you can see, the internet is just full of perverts. Why can't I find a decent man? Some of you bellends are on your second or third marriage, why can't I find just one?