Handy Guide to Bolton Wanderers FC

This was written on another forum I use by a Derby County fan ahead of tomorrow's game. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd give it a bit of the old copy and paste action.
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Researching record-breaking capitulations and tactical ineptitude at the beginning of domestic seasons, I was staggered to find we are due to play some side called “Bolton Wanderers FC" this coming Tuesday. Never having heard of this footballing minnow, I’ve scoured tinternets to bring you this handy cut out and keep guide such that you may better appreciate just who it is that we’re bringing the Derby County Football Superstars Roadshow to.

Here we are then:

Bolton Wanderers FC was formed in 1874 as “Christ Church FC" but changed their name in 1877 in readiness for heavenly football being born in 1884, in a manger, in Derby. In thanks for their deference, Bolton was allowed to become founder members of Derby’s ‘Football League’ in 1888.

Tuesday’s football lesson will be held at their ground, the Reebok Stadium, which has a presumed capacity of 28,101 although this has never been seriously tested as they have some proper clubs in their vicinity, the likes of Preston, Wigan and Bury.

Full-time Bolton Chairman and part-time Oompah Lumpah Phil Gartside is currently grateful his pretentious and disgusting idea of creating a two-tier Premier League with no relegation from PL2 hasn’t come to fruition, having now realised that no relegation = no promotion either.

Owen Coyle is the present Bolton manager, having abandoned Saturday's 2-0 victors Burnley to relegation at a critical time for them. Previous incumbents include Rams legends Bruce Rioch and Roy Mac. Colin Todd also had a spell in the Bolton hotseat, although his glorious record at Derby has been expunged due to him having inflicted Andy Todd on the game.

Andy Todd unfortunately played for both of our clubs; booted out of Bolton for fracturing the asst manager’s face on a team bonding session he left Derby for more traditional football reasons, in that he’s garbage. He did, however, score 5% of our Premier League goals with the equaliser against Portsmouth.

Tyrone Mears, pacy fullback and renowned escapologist, is a Bolton player. The easily-confused Sierra Leonean once played for Jamaica despite not actually having any ancestry for the country... liking Bob Marley apparently doesn’t qualify. No bloodline, no cry. He broke his leg shortly after following Coyle from Burnley last year and has made only one appearance since. Shame.

Kevin Davies is their captain and one of the most lethal strikers around. Not at scoring goals, unfortunately; Davies is the dirtiest player ever in the Premier League, having committed more fouls than any other player in it’s history and in season 10/11 broke his own record for most fouls in a season, with 121. He’s one booking behind career thug and racist Lee Bowyer in Premier League bookings, having had his name taken 100 times. Congratulations

Phil ‘Tango’ Brown was caretaker manager for five matches after the departure of Todd in ‘99, then served as Big Sam’s assistant for six years before leaving to become a sacrificial lamb at Pride Park in 2005. Eventually finding acceptance amid the orange-loving hordes of Hull fans, Brown famously gave his halftime team talk on the pitch on Boxing Day 2008. Menkles!!

The three promoted clubs survived relegation from the Premier League last season, for only the second time ever. The previous survivors were a decade previous, with Fulham and Blackburn accompanying Bolton up and all three survived until last May, when both Bolton and Blackburn took the drop into a proper league.

During Big Sam’s bung-ridden reign, the club typified the mercenary face of Premier League football, with many foreign players retiring to The Reebok for one last pay day for both themselves and Sam’s son, allegedly. The team bus was actually a Saga Sunshine Coach, such was the average age of Sam’s squads. Players that wore their Bolton tracksuit bottoms just below their saggy old man moobs include Youri Djorkaeff, Ivan Campo, Gary Speed, Jared Borgetti and (nearly) Dietmar Hamman.

Hamman hilariously decided a few minutes after arriving that he actually wanted to sign for Manchester City instead, and as his registration was not yet with the FA he was allowed to move on again for £400k compensation. The quickest premier league club career ever, all over in the uncontrollable tic of an eye.

A final hilarious curio from Bolton is England striker Michael Ricketts, who, having scored fifteen goals in the Premier League by February 2002, earned a call up to the national side. He didn’t score in his 45 minute cameo and, sadly, has only scored 26 goals in the decade since, for eleven different clubs. Prolific.

That’s all tinterwebs can tell us of this poorly-supported barnacle on the face of the beautiful game; please feel free to add any tidbits you may have gleaned yourselves below.

Quite a good read

I got hit by a coin at the Baseball Ground once. Good shot whoever threw it. That's my best fact about Derby.

Can someone write a guide to Derby County FC please, I dont know much about them

I only visited the Baseball Ground once, in 1993 for that FA Cup 5th round match where both Seagraves and Winstanley were out and we had to play Stubbs and Lydiate. We lost 3-1 due to two goals by Craig Short.

I was right at the very front of the Wanderers fans, but it was weird at that ground, this meant that my shoulders were at pitch level. You can see my arm appear above the advertisement hoardings on the highlights, urging on Stuart Storer as he goes on a blind run down the left flank.

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Can someone write a guide to Derby County FC please, I dont know much about them

We were below them when Megson took over. That's pretty much it.

largehat wrote:I only visited the Baseball Ground once, in 1993 for that FA Cup 5th round match where both Seagraves and Winstanley were out and we had to play Stubbs and Lydiate. We lost 3-1 due to two goals by Craig Short.

I was right at the very front of the Wanderers fans, but it was weird at that ground, this meant that my shoulders were at pitch level. You can see my arm appear above the advertisement hoardings on the highlights, urging on Stuart Storer as he goes on a blind run down the left flank.

I remember that game, the away end was like a death trap.

Oh - this was a pretty good read, thanks largehat.

largehat wrote:I only visited the Baseball Ground once, in 1993 for that FA Cup 5th round match .

That's the game I got hit by a coin. We were unlucky that day really. Andy Walker could've had about 4 goals and we missed a couple other chances too.

Bernard Dennis Park wrote:

That's the game I got hit by a coin. We were unlucky that day really. Andy Walker could've had about 4 goals and we missed a couple other chances too.

I don't remember a lot about the game - I'm bad like that, after about a couple of years it all disappears from memory. Maybe I smoked too many drugs at university.

I remember we played in yellow, and I think we went 1-0 down and Walker equalised with a close range header. I think Short got their first and third goals, did Gabbiadini get the second?

I only remember Seagraves and Winstanley being out of action because it was mentioned on Match of the Day which I watched when I got home, and slso saw my arm on the telly, urging Storer on.

But yes it was pretty bad that day in terms of the atmosphere. Were their fans above us too? Did the coin come from above do you know? Or am I imagining that? It's certainly the only ground I've ever visited where you stand at the front and your waist is below pitch level. I was 15 years old, I was probably about 5'10 when I was that age, so it's not like I was a midget. It was strange.

Yes the coin came from above at full time. Was a horrible ground for getting a good view. I think Paul Kitson got the other goal for them. I could be wrong though. I think Storer hit the post for us. I can't remember much else really.

I watched that game aged 11. Think I stood on Burnden Terrace. It was fun but disappointing after having beaten Liverpool and Wolves I think in previous rounds.
That was a nice little article and well written and observed. Just noticed something - none of us are slagging the author off or making idiotic comments even though he has several pops at us as fans and as a club. We all just seem to appreciate it for what it is - a bit of nicely written banter! I like our little community.

There's a big difference between a bit of pre-match humour and being a smug twat after a win.

The other difference is that this wasn't posted by a Derby fan who has no obvious reason to be on a Bolton forum.

Biggie wrote:I watched that game aged 11. Think I stood on Burnden Terrace. It was fun but disappointing after having beaten Liverpool and Wolves I think in previous rounds.

It was an away game. Your memory is worse than mine and Largehats .

Been on Baseball Ground once. We won 2-1, League Cup, Billy Morgan and Steve Taylor for us, Charlie Georgeo for them, great night!

Soul Kitchen wrote:Been on Baseball Ground once. We won 2-1, League Cup, Billy Morgan and Steve Taylor for us, Charlie Georgeo for them, great night!

Haven't heard of any of those 3

You haven't heard of Willie Morgan???

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Ahh I have heard of Willie Morgan, just never heard him referred to as Billy.

Cos he was Willie at the SCUM, I called him Billy, saved on having him steam cleaned before he pulled on a Wanderers shirt!

Willie became a Bolton legend after moving here after his stint at United. Early in his career he did have a short,unhappy and unproductive spell at Burnley but he prefers to forget all about that,citing Burnden Park as his spiritual home. Just ask Copper Dragon, he'll confirm all this for you next time he's on.