The best way to kill your neighbour.

Right, let me calm down a bit before I post this.......

(Big pause for about ten minutes........)

Ok then,

My next door neighbour is a massive dick. 

I've had the dubious pleasure of his "neighbour-idge" for the last 14 years and I knew from the off that he was a cock. Because he just looks like one. We haven't spoken in 12 years. (Thankfully.)

And he supports United, despite not being able to locate Old Trafford with the help of Google Maps and a compass.

Anyroad, his wife left him about a month ago (smart woman, that) and he's taken to getting pissed and standing in the back garden in his undies and shouting "Why do you hate me so much, God?" (Think he's a catholic) and then he starts lobbing wheelie-bins round and generally causing a nuisance.

At first I put my hatred of him to one side and tried engaging him in reasonable discourse about "keeping it down and thinking about the neighbours" but then he told me to fuck off and threw a watering can at me.

I've had enough.

I've done some research and I don't think I can legally kill the cunt, but I'm going to do it anyway, so I'd appreciate any suggestions about how to do it "cleanly" and get away with it.

Thanks in advance.

Without becoming a accessory to your problem, have you not thought about hiring a Hitman.

Breadman wrote:Right, let me calm down a bit before I post this.......

(Big pause for about ten minutes........)

Ok then,

My next door neighbour is a massive dick. 

I've had the dubious pleasure of his "neighbour-idge" for the last 14 years and I knew from the off that he was a cock. Because he just looks like one. We haven't spoken in 12 years. (Thankfully.)

And he supports United, despite not being able to locate Old Trafford with the help of Google Maps and a compass.

Anyroad, his wife left him about a month ago (smart woman, that) and he's taken to getting pissed and standing in the back garden in his undies and shouting "Why do you hate me so much, God?" (Think he's a catholic) and then he starts lobbing wheelie-bins round and generally causing a nuisance.

At first I put my hatred of him to one side and tried engaging him in reasonable discourse about "keeping it down and thinking about the neighbours" but then he told me to fuck off and threw a watering can at me.

I've had enough.

I've done some research and I don't think I can legally kill the cunt, but I'm going to do it anyway, so I'd appreciate any suggestions about how to do it "cleanly" and get away with it.

Thanks in advance.

Have you not just thought about smacking him in the face and sorting it out that way?

I have to say though bad neighbours are the worst thing, I have shit ones either side of my house and would like to knock the fuck out of them every day to be honest!

If has you say he's a manu fan, but knows fuck all about them.

Buy him their shirt, scarf, bob hat and a ticket for City's next home game.

Banks of the Croal wrote:If has you say he's a manu fan, but knows fuck all about them.

Buy him their shirt, scarf, bob hat and a ticket for City's next home game.

  Good one that Banks.

Send him a letter from 'god' saying "I hate you because you're a cunt" and then don't put a stamp on it.

Breadman, you just need to make sure it's a clean kill and there's no evidence to implicate you.

I suggest shaving your whole body including your head, going round to his house totally naked, kill the bastard with a single stab wound to the heart, have a shower in his bathroom to remove any blood spatter, casually return home.

There is no evidence you were ever in his house, not even a hair.

I was saving this for David Nugent but seeing as you asked.

Find out if hes scottish, get him on your property, obtain a bow and arrow and shoot him.

Failing that, just go and give him a good smack in the chops.

I used to have 2 sets of bad neighbours in my last house, total fucking dicks.

Just go round to his house and kick the shit out of the bastard.

You cant shit on your own doorstep breadman, get someone to do it for you it will cost but it would be worth it if its that bad but it would have to be pretty bad to warrant that.
Like if he was violent and you were worried about you and yours, i remember an incident when a violent Irish family were intimidating their next door neighbours even  actual violence like headbutting them and they were scared to go out so at their wits end they called in someone that they had been recomended by someone. Now this Irish family had a right bruiser that would stay with them most nights a real scrapper built like a bull who would go out with his mate the Irish father drinking and come home bladdered, around 3am two men in balaclavas broke in the side door went to the bedrooms with baseball bats and broke arms legs ribs and even the mother who was a bitch got some and the eldest son, the bruiser came off worst deliberately as a further warning,they of course ended up in hospital and eventually when recovered just left the rented house without a peep, a result well worth the money i would say.

This might be yer man.

How about slipping into his garden and fastening the bins and watering cans to bungee rope so when he starts tossing them about later on, they spring back and give him a good smacking!

All sound advice and I now feel far better prepared for tonight's (inevitable) entertainment.

Thank you gentlemen.