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I probably shouldn’t be telling you this………..but……………..yesterday, at roughly 5pm I discovered what can only be described as a secret government project. Just think to yourself, have you ever wanted to travel back to a time when Madonna had pointy boobs, dancing in neon colours was all the rage and Michael Jackson was black?
Well, without a flux capacitor and a million jigga watts this was never going to be possible……………….until now.
I thought I was making my way to a hotel in Loughborough for the night but what I discovered was actually a portal in time, a black hole, something I can’t explain.
The portal must be the entrance, as outside there are modern cars and such, but as soon as you walk through the doors to the main reception you are transported back roughly 30 years!!!!!
I nervously tell the gentleman on reception I have booked in for the night and he hands me a big chunky plastic key ring with a long metal thing on it. I ask him what this is for, is it a strange looking “futuristic fork”? “No” he says, “this is your rooms key!”
As I walk past the faded leather sofas, the wooden bar that looks like it was built from scrap wood in a garage and up the creaky stairs, I come to my room, room 2!
Room 2 shouldn’t be called room 2, room 2 should be called closet 2, no room to swing a cat 2, look I can touch both sides of the room and I’m not even at full stretch 2! Well fingers crossed I can at least hope it is clean. Hope………..a word I should have abandoned outside before entering the portal.
The Vintage look cream paint (made vintage looking by all the scuff marks and peeling) was at least broken up by, what I can only hope was, coffee stains near the TV. It had a TV I hear you say, yes it did, not that it worked!
Well at least it had a bed, of sorts. The bed was probably a similar size to Noah’s bed, my 5 year old sons, I believe they call them toddler beds, but in the defence of the 80’s portal hotel (AKA The Cedars Hotel, Loughborough), it is all they could have fit in the room. However, they could have finished making it and put the last few slats in and tightened the screws so it didn’t feel like I was going to fall through every time I sat or moved on the bed.
Next came the bathroom. An obstacle course for contortionists. Climb on the toilet, over the sink and you might make it to the shower, that is if you weigh 9 stone and are under 4 foot 5 inches that you can fit in the shower and you don’t snag yourself on one of the many exposed pipes.
As mentally scarred as I was now, I dared not venture for my evening meal and instead opted to stick to what I know and order room service. First up was a garlic mushroom ciabatta. Usually a sprinkle of garlic on some mushrooms, can’t be that hard. For 1980’s hoteliers it can. Instead I got Garlic with a sprinkle of mushrooms on a half-baked ciabatta. With an unwashed side salad that amassed three quarters of the plate.
Next up, one of my favourites, unsmoked bacon and mature cheddar cheese steak burger with twice cooked chips and a tub of mayo, or to give it an accurate description, a chunk of unmelted grated mature cheddar, with bacon rind on a cheap beef burger, with, for some reason, a cherry tomato and onion, I want to say relish, but not really, on a soggy bun with 15 times cooked and burnt chips and a wallpaper paste dip.
So after my feast for a king I decided it had been a long and hot day and time to squeeze into my toddler bed and get some sleep.
Sleep unfortunately didn’t come due to the fact all the doors seemed to be recovered bomb shelter doors made from reinforced steel that when matched to the toilet tissue walls, (so maybe it wasn’t coffee!) and the fact everybody loved the 80’s and was partying like it was 1989, made sleep rather difficult to come by. So rather than sleep I decided to make a list of the good points of the 1980’s portal hotel. Number 1 was that maybe, just maybe breakfast will be okay. I fell asleep, eventually about 6 hours later, failing to find a number 2!
Morning had broken, as was the kettle in the bedroom, and I decided to try and get some morning exercise by navigating the krypton factor assault course to get a shower. The water was hot and the water pressure was good, I had found a number 2 and a 3 on my list! I got ready, packed up my belongings and headed downstairs for a breakfast of champions, a full English with coffee and juice!
The key points from the menu for the cooked breakfast was locally sourced produce, and McCain’s hash browns. Yes McCain’s hash browns where obviously something new and exciting in the 80’s, much like a pot noodle was “like what astronauts ate!” But a quick note to the owners of the 1980’s portal hotel, “locally sourced” should be extended to its truer description of “got in a taxi to Lidl to pick up the cheapest **** I could find!” Needless to say breakfast was struck off my list and I was back to two positive points.
On checking out I heard a dripping in the “lounge” area of the hotel, and the ceiling was actually leaking. Upon working out where the leaking was coming from it would have roughly been my room.
I readied myself for the portal, just praying I would be back in 2014, and sure enough upon exiting the main reception area, there I was, modern day!
Well, without a flux capacitor and a million jigga watts this was never going to be possible……………….until now.
I thought I was making my way to a hotel in Loughborough for the night but what I discovered was actually a portal in time, a black hole, something I can’t explain.
The portal must be the entrance, as outside there are modern cars and such, but as soon as you walk through the doors to the main reception you are transported back roughly 30 years!!!!!
I nervously tell the gentleman on reception I have booked in for the night and he hands me a big chunky plastic key ring with a long metal thing on it. I ask him what this is for, is it a strange looking “futuristic fork”? “No” he says, “this is your rooms key!”
As I walk past the faded leather sofas, the wooden bar that looks like it was built from scrap wood in a garage and up the creaky stairs, I come to my room, room 2!
Room 2 shouldn’t be called room 2, room 2 should be called closet 2, no room to swing a cat 2, look I can touch both sides of the room and I’m not even at full stretch 2! Well fingers crossed I can at least hope it is clean. Hope………..a word I should have abandoned outside before entering the portal.
The Vintage look cream paint (made vintage looking by all the scuff marks and peeling) was at least broken up by, what I can only hope was, coffee stains near the TV. It had a TV I hear you say, yes it did, not that it worked!
Well at least it had a bed, of sorts. The bed was probably a similar size to Noah’s bed, my 5 year old sons, I believe they call them toddler beds, but in the defence of the 80’s portal hotel (AKA The Cedars Hotel, Loughborough), it is all they could have fit in the room. However, they could have finished making it and put the last few slats in and tightened the screws so it didn’t feel like I was going to fall through every time I sat or moved on the bed.
Next came the bathroom. An obstacle course for contortionists. Climb on the toilet, over the sink and you might make it to the shower, that is if you weigh 9 stone and are under 4 foot 5 inches that you can fit in the shower and you don’t snag yourself on one of the many exposed pipes.
As mentally scarred as I was now, I dared not venture for my evening meal and instead opted to stick to what I know and order room service. First up was a garlic mushroom ciabatta. Usually a sprinkle of garlic on some mushrooms, can’t be that hard. For 1980’s hoteliers it can. Instead I got Garlic with a sprinkle of mushrooms on a half-baked ciabatta. With an unwashed side salad that amassed three quarters of the plate.
Next up, one of my favourites, unsmoked bacon and mature cheddar cheese steak burger with twice cooked chips and a tub of mayo, or to give it an accurate description, a chunk of unmelted grated mature cheddar, with bacon rind on a cheap beef burger, with, for some reason, a cherry tomato and onion, I want to say relish, but not really, on a soggy bun with 15 times cooked and burnt chips and a wallpaper paste dip.
So after my feast for a king I decided it had been a long and hot day and time to squeeze into my toddler bed and get some sleep.
Sleep unfortunately didn’t come due to the fact all the doors seemed to be recovered bomb shelter doors made from reinforced steel that when matched to the toilet tissue walls, (so maybe it wasn’t coffee!) and the fact everybody loved the 80’s and was partying like it was 1989, made sleep rather difficult to come by. So rather than sleep I decided to make a list of the good points of the 1980’s portal hotel. Number 1 was that maybe, just maybe breakfast will be okay. I fell asleep, eventually about 6 hours later, failing to find a number 2!
Morning had broken, as was the kettle in the bedroom, and I decided to try and get some morning exercise by navigating the krypton factor assault course to get a shower. The water was hot and the water pressure was good, I had found a number 2 and a 3 on my list! I got ready, packed up my belongings and headed downstairs for a breakfast of champions, a full English with coffee and juice!
The key points from the menu for the cooked breakfast was locally sourced produce, and McCain’s hash browns. Yes McCain’s hash browns where obviously something new and exciting in the 80’s, much like a pot noodle was “like what astronauts ate!” But a quick note to the owners of the 1980’s portal hotel, “locally sourced” should be extended to its truer description of “got in a taxi to Lidl to pick up the cheapest **** I could find!” Needless to say breakfast was struck off my list and I was back to two positive points.
On checking out I heard a dripping in the “lounge” area of the hotel, and the ceiling was actually leaking. Upon working out where the leaking was coming from it would have roughly been my room.
I readied myself for the portal, just praying I would be back in 2014, and sure enough upon exiting the main reception area, there I was, modern day!
