Masturbation: My Dilemma (Update)

Those of you that follow my work will remember the following situation I had at work back in November 2009:

I have a problem at work and I need advice.

As many of you know I help run my father's advertising agency in Manchester. It's not a large company, 31 employees with a couple of temps. My Dad prefers the golf course these days so generally I'm left to run the place including hiring and firing. I have no problem with any of that, it's just business.

But today I have a dilemma that I've not seen or heard of before.

One of our (male) graphic designers was caught openly masturbating in the men's toilets by one of the female cleaners. Not in a stall but over a sink in plain view of anyone walking in.

So far no one else knows about this but I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Should I be letting people masturbate on my time? Is this not the same as sneaking into the bogs for a crafty fag or to make a personal call on a mobile...which are both disciplinary matters at our company.

What if a major client had decided to use the toilets just as this employee was ditching his load in the sink? That's a scary thought in so many ways.

There's nothing actually in peoples contracts about masturbating in public, but surely it's taken as a given that you don't wank in public bogs on your employers time?

Should I just ignore it and perhaps put a big sign up outside the toilets saying 'NO WANKING' or should I treat this as I would smoking on the premises? Advice please.

Anyway, after at first saying he was dropping his threat of legal action, the wanker changed his mind and took my company to an Employment Tribunal, which ruled this morning on this important piece of legislation.

Unfortunately the Employment Tribunal has ruled against my company and said it is acceptable for employees to take wanking breaks if others are allowed breaks for a drink or a fag. If the company doesn't allow breaks, wanking is forbidden.

I am outraged at this outcome, it is quite ridiculous to say wanking in the bogs is the same as having a drink in the kitchen or a fag in the car park. I fully intend to appeal this decision, who wants to walk into the toilets to find three people wanking themselves silly?

Are you against wanking at work, or perhaps you are a participant?

I'm surprised this didn't make the BBC News website Natasha!

I regularly have a crafty wank at work, it does seem to offend people when you do it at your desk though.

Ha ha, pure fiction, but funny.

Here's a true story.

I mentioned in the 'have you ever been scammed?' thread that I worked in a shop for a time, many years ago.

There were four of us who used to work in this shop, all male. One of them was a total weirdo, I will call him Gary. Gary had a body odour problem, thought he was incredibly funny, and used to pretend he had a girlfriend - we caught him texting himself once.

Anyway, the shop premises was formerly occupied by a high street bank. The bulding had four floors, but we only used the ground floor of the shop for our business, although the toilets were upstairs.

The backdrop to the story is that Gary had been boasting about a girlfriend he had who lived in Bromley, who he had met at a company function and they were hitting it off. However, we had received intelligence that she was in fact shagging some other guy who had recently run the London Marathon in fancy dress.

One day I was sat in the office having my lunch and the manager, I will call him Liam, said to me, "when you've finished your lunch, I want you to do something for me. Take your time with your lunch, but when you are finished, I want you to go upstairs all the way to the top floor. When you are on the top floor, walk past all that metal racking and you will find a small room at the back of it. Enter that room. In the far corner of that room, you will find some box files. I want you to open those box files, look at the contents, and then come back downstairs. Leave what you find there. Don't say anything when you come back."

No amount of me asking Liam what was in the box files or what the point of this strange mission yielded any answers, so I did as I was asked and came back downstairs.

About an hour later, one of the other lads had started work. He was a big, funny Asian lad, I will call him Maz.

Maz was taking his coat off, so I gave Maz the same instructions. "I want you to do something for me. In your own time, I want you to go upstairs all the way to the top floor. When you are on the top floor, walk past all that metal racking and you will find a small room at the back of it. Enter that room... etc."

Ten minutes later Maz came down the stairs with the three box files in his hands, laughing his head off.

The box files contained a facsimile of an ultrascan of an unborn baby (presumably the father was the guy who ran the marathon in fancy dress), a love letter Gary had written to this girl in Kent, and about 50 really disgusting porn magazines.

Largehat, as amusing as your story is I don't see how it helps me.

And by the way, you say it's fiction, I say it is truth. The papers will be full of it once the story gets picked up. It has the makings of the next John Grisham legal novel.

Natasha, I'm sorry, my story doesn't help you. It's just that you asked about wanking at work and I thought of 'Gary' and his box files.

Of course, if your story were true, you would have the written judgement and be able to quote the relevant part of it, which I am sure you will be happy to do below.

Are you 'Gary'? The bit about body odour and thinking he was funny gave it away.

Phew, i'll certainly be having a few more tug breaks now this precedent has been set in the courts.

Hipster_Nebula wrote:Phew, i'll certainly be having a few more tug breaks now this precedent has been set in the courts.

Be careful, you're only allowed if your company lets people have coffee/smoke breaks.

Natasha, Was the wanker called Benedict by any chance?

Proper sex at work is the only way to pass the time.

The 1/4 inch copper piping used to get a right good hammering.

I don't know if this applies to your company, but there's a trend these days to decorate the walls of men's toilets with pictures of sexy looking bints, which can only serve to encourage this kind of behaviour.

I myself was subject to this kind of provocation quite recently at the Cheshire Oaks retail outlet. I've been feeling guilty about it but reading your post has set my mind at rest now that I know it's a widespread practice.

largehat wrote:

Of course, if your story were true, you would have the written judgement and be able to quote the relevant part of it, which I am sure you will be happy to do below.

I'm not typing out the whole thing, but this is the most important bit

While morally disturbing we find the act of masturbation in the workplace perfectly legal. It is, therefore, also legal for an employer to insist their cleaner removes the offending spunk

Fair do's. Happy to stand corrected.

And here's the judge that wrote that.

Hipster_Nebula wrote:And here's the judge that wrote that.

I doubt it, that looks like a Fraggle judge.

You sure it wasn't this one?

Some of you aren't taking this serious subject seriously.

I hope you don't mean me - I take nothing more seriously than masturbation thank you!

What happens if you work on flexi-time? Nat, this is all rubbish, because quite simply, whether he was doing that or not, there is a decency aspect to this. If he wishes to batter himself into submission, then I have no doubt he will be able to, if he wasn't in view of everyone else. If your company were really taken to court, then your legal team should have told you of this. Also, I doubt very much a legal declaration would use the term 'spunk'. Have to say though, this item is quite funny.