Joke Thread

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

Paddy says to Murphy, "why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards", Murphy says "ya thick twat, if they fell forwards they would still be on the boat".

Don't want to make light of a tragedy, especially on its anniversary, but here goes

The look out on The Titanic shouts Captain seagull at 200 yards! Captain replies "we don't take notice of seagulls, to which the look out replies " you will when you see the size of the iceberg the fuckers sat on"

Very bad taste but funny all the same

Woman standing nude says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment," her husband replies " your eyesight is spot on."

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, " Windows frozen.."

Husband texts back, " Pour some boiling hot water over it.."

A few minutes later, Wife texts back, " The computer is completely fcuked now."

Paddy bought a blow-up doll, took it home and inflated it. He was back at the shop first thing in the morning, asking for an exchange. The man behind the counter asked why, whereupon Paddy tells him that its a male doll.

He looks at it, looks at Paddy, and ssys, 'You bloody idiot, you've blown it up inside-out

Not so much a joke but a bit of banter with the missus last night when she got back from shopping. She said she's bought a new outfit, but "she wasn't sure if it was really her" So she puts it on and starts parading round the living room in it.
I asked her if it was an impulse purchase and she said yes.
I asked her if it cost a shedload and after a minute or so she admitted it had.
"Then it really is you, babe" I said.

No sense of humour that woman.

Joe
took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked Joe. "I only came to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to
the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read
117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I still want to get weighed," she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

A guy goes into a tatooist and asks for a tatoo of a £20note on his manhood, the tatoosit says ''i've done some strange tatoos in my time but this is the strangest request ever, why do you want a £20note on it?''

To which the guy replies ''for 3 reasons''

''First reason is I just love to see my money grow, the second is I love to keep a hand on my money and lastly my wife can blow £20 better than anyone I know''

Taxi driver picked up a drunken woman, and when she got in he asked her where she wanted to go, and could she pay. She told him where, and yes she could. He drove for about 20 minutes, and arrived at the destination, when he turned around for the money she was there with nothing , with a foot either side of his head, and her legs at quarter-to-three. He took one look at it, and said ' Have you got anything smaller'?

I thought of a couple of joke recently, or maybe prints for on t-shirts...

"I used to have a keen interest in tarmac but now it's flagging"

"When Big Sharps was conceived his mum didn't realise she was making a foetal error"

"I'm a pessimist - it's probably a bad idea"

You can buy them at jayjayswackytshirts.com

Oh and one I heard...

"Better name for a vajazzle = blinge"

jayjay23 wrote:"When Big Sharps was conceived his mum didn't realise she was making a foetal error"

I'll pay good money for that one!

one I saw in Turkey: 'Cover me in chocol;ate and throw me to the lesbians' Did make I larf

"Hi Mom, it's me."

"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at B & Q?"

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth... Why did you do that???"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault.

"Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.......

Bolton Hater goes to the doctor for his test results. Doc says, " Sorry BH but you've got AIDS."

BH is devastated and asks what to do. Doc says, " Eat a Cumberland sausage, twenty Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts, a tin of baked beans, half a cabbage, a dozen Brussels sprouts, a box of All Bran and a gallon of prune juice."

BH asks, " Will it cure me if I manage to eat it all ?"

Doc replies, " No, but it will give you a much better understanding of what your arsehole is for."

Reebok Trotter wrote:Bolton Hater goes to the doctor for his test results. Doc says, " Sorry BH but you've got AIDS."

BH is devastated and asks what to do. Doc says, " Eat a Cumberland sausage, twenty Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts, a tin of baked beans, half a cabbage, a dozen Brussels sprouts, a box of All Bran and a gallon of prune juice."

BH asks, " Will it cure me if I manage to eat it all ?"

Doc replies, " No, but it will give you a much better understanding of what your arsehole is for."

I joined an internet dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I said " Girls from Page three."

I wondered why I had no replies, until I realised that the letter P wasn't working on my keyboard.

A delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags down Paddy and says to him, " I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me."

Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving in the opposite direction and he still has the monkeys with him. He flags him down and shouts across, " I thought I told you to take them to the zoo ?"

Paddy says, " I did, but I had £30 left over so I'm taking them to the pictures now."