Joke Thread

"Have you done a sex video with your wife?" I said to my mate in the pub.

"Yeah of course!" he said.

"Me too!" I said. "I've got an idea: when we get home, you send me yours, I'll send you mine, we can knock one out then delete them. What do you say?"

"You're on!" he said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and hurried home.

That was a week ago. I've not spoken to him since....................

Maybe he felt a bit awkward watching me fucking his wife

A prostitute told me that I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10 as she didn't have a womb.

Intrigued, I asked how we would do it ?

She replied, " Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

...which reminds me...

Two Nigerian doctors (I suspect they were Ibos from their accents) were having an animated conversation in a corridor in Townleys. "It's Wuuuuumba" insisted one. "No way. It's Waaaaaaamba" replied the other.

A passing colleague, on overhearing this butted in. "Excuse me folks but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and in fact the correct pronunciation in English is "Womb""

The two doctors looked at each other, turned towards their colleague and said......















"How the f*** do you know what a hippo farting underwater sounds like?"

Archaeologists have made a major discovery in Egypt. They have found the tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate.......
his name Pharaoh Roche

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school."What's your name?" asked the teacher."Mohammed," he replied."You're in Britain now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."Mohammed returned home after school."How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked."My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Britain and now my name is Kevin.""Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.Then she called his father, who beat him again.The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises."What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked."Well ma'am, shortly after becoming British, I was attacked by two Asians."

I bought a new aftershave today. It smells of breadcrumbs....... The birds love it.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The jokes have started already.

Owen Coyle spoke to Fabrice in hospital today. On the news Coyle stated that it was a private matter.

The conversation was:

Coyle, "Chelsea beat Leicester and Torres scored twice."

Fabrice, "Fcuk me, how long was I out ?"

Ha, wasn't sure where that was going but fair play it was pretty good.

Another one just doing the rounds.

Fabrices vital signs showed a marked improvement at his hospital bed when it was suggested that Vinny Jones should visit him with his Bee Gees CD.

OneOinCoyle wrote:The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my
house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with
2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for
the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

These are currently my favourite type of joke. Who is that comedian who does them on tv? Milton something?

My neighbour just screwed in a bulb.

How he got in there, I'll never know.

jayjay23 The comedian is Milton Jones. Them kind of jokes are good because they are easy to remember and tell to people.

For some reason I can't stand Milton Jones. His jokes always seem laboured and on comedy panel shows he forces them in even though they have little or no connection with whatever is being discussed.

It's not the style of humour I dislike. I think Stewart Francis is brilliant and much funnier than Jones, and he operates in a similar way. However both his material and his delivery are so much better.

xmiles you are dead right. i like the jokes but often feel, like you said, that jones is forcing them and when he does stand up it never quite reaches its potential. Francis is great though. Love his style.

My Granddad died when e was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
E flat.
I'll have to leave it on that note.

Pinched this from another site, made me laugh, Bolton Hater in mind


.Bloke from Blackburn walked into his 12 year old daughter's bedroom and caught her masterbating with a cucumber.
He was absolutely disgusted, saying, "You dirty whore. I'm supposed to
be eating that tonight and now it's going to taste of cucumber!"

Arsene Wenger is a good dancer....

http://fuldans.se/?v=tpoljgeecn

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget