Joke Thread

I took the wife to this disco, kinda dance club, last weekend.

There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works".

My wife says to me, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!! "

My wife said to me, " Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?"

I replied, " Yes, I can, it's because you are a nosey cunt."

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's now on it's last legs.

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. The Doctor said, " I bet your wife is not pleased."

I replied, " You are damn right there. Its been getting on her tits."

My 3 year old son was trying to open a yoghurt pot this morning. After a few minutes he started getting stressed and shouted, " Stupid effing twatting lid."

My wife looked at me and said, " Now where has he got that from?"

Quick as a flash I replied, " From the fcuking fridge!"

I saw her standing there and I told her she had three beautiful children.

My mistake.

She didn't have to get all pissed off with me. It was an honest mistake.

OK Can someone tell me which one of those houses belongs to that Psycho Mother Fucker

There is no pleasing some people. My wife asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently, " Don't worry babe, your tits cover it " wasn't what she wanted to hear.

I've just seen the Director's Cut of a porn movie. The guy fixed the washing machine at the end.

Two blokes and a girl walk in a pub, order three drinks, they are the only three in there, so the barman strikes up a conversation, so what have you all been up to today, first guy, well I have had the most wonderful day I have been up Daisy Hill for most of the day, and it was a most pleasant experience, and what about you he said to the second bloke, well I too have been up Daisy Hill for most of the day, and it was an extremely pleasant experience, so he turns to the girl, have you been up Daisy Hill too my dear, no replies the girl I am Daisy Hill.

I'm not suggesting that my wife is a tart but the label in her knickers says 'Next'.

Have you heard the one about the Pakistani joiner called Ahmed Ashed?

I'm on the new O2 plan...

Unlimited Smoke Signals
250 Pigeons a month
Free messages in a bottle to other O2 customers

I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

OneOinCoyle wrote:I called Babestation the other night, the girl answered and in a very sexy voice asked what she could do for me, I said "hide, I've lost the f**king remote and my girlfriend has just come home.

Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

Keegan wrote:Not quite my taste in humour, but I thought I'd share...

I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.

Not mine either but here are some more

They say downloading movies is killing the movie business, but going to the cinema is killing people.
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Fourteen people shot dead at Dark Knight Rises premier?
Here's betting at least one of the orphans becomes the real Batman.

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I hear the audience at the Batman screening in Denver didn't see the whole film. They only got through one or two clips.

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The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me.

All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about.

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Just heard about the shooting in Denver,
am I the only one wondering where the fuck batman was when they needed him?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?'

I do like your jokes OOIC, that Babestation one had me chuckling for days.

I am going to start tweeting some of these jokes, so keep them coming...

The shorter the better! Twitter has a maximum of 160 characters.