I feel I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my lovelife. After kidnapping a hooker and marrying a ladyboy I feel it's the quiet life for me from now on. I'm tired of the last thing my girlfriend says to me being "here's your change" or "I'll just wipe my cock".
So like many of you single guys I've turned to the internet for my next attempt at love, and have joined a website called "Local Slags".
The title is a good clue as to what you will find on the site, basically it's just a load of slags wanting to be shagged. And they don't charge. Or have cocks. You can have young slags, middle-aged slags, granny slags, married slags, fit slags, ugly slags, skinny slags and fat slags. You get the picture.
I wish I'd found this site 2 months ago, it would have saved me £10k and a very sore arse.
Anyway, I've spent the last week swapping messages with a variety of slags in the Manchester area. I've been realistic, some twenty year old fit slag with massive knockers and tight arse is not going to be interested in me, so I've stuck to the 35+ slags as they're bound to be more desperate and less picky.
Unfortunately the first three slags I had sex with (the ones I told you about last time) didn't want a repeat performance, I just don't understand women these days. Why are they so boring? My Marie would have done anything in bed for the right price, and I really don't understand this insistance on wearing a condom, where do they think I've been?
The good news is I joined the sister site to Local Slags, namely "Fat Slags" which can be found at www.fatslags.co.uk for anyone into this sort of thing. Anyway, I realised I'd been setting the bar too high with hookers, ladyboys and slags so in order to find love I needed to find the most desperate women out there. Is there anyone more desperate than a fat slag?
I exchanged messages with a bevy of fat slags and narrowed it down to three who I decided to meet up with. The first was Dawn, 49, from Salford:
Dawn loves animals, poetry by Eleanor Farjeon and being penetrated by two men at once. Ok, so she's not exactly Cheryl Cole, but don't be put off by that thinning hair and those thick glasses - in the bedroom she was amazing. I wasn't even put off by some random bloke turning up halfway through and giving her anal sex. Bit awkward when our knobs touched but that wasn't Dawn's fault.
Next up was Vera, 54, from Hyde:
Vera is into walking in the countryside with her Springer Spaniels, Andrew Gross novels, and giving blow jobs to strangers behind the recycling bins at Tesco. This was convenient as I was running low on milk and butter. To be honest I'm not sure there's a future to this relationship as I'm no longer a stranger, but I'm prepared to disguise myself to have another go, just check out the tits!
My third choice was Kerry, 46, from Great Lever in Bolton:
Kerry likes cakes, watching Jeremy Kyle and having sex outdoors. This was definitely a result for me as I've always wanted to do it out in the open. The problem with paying hookers is they don't like being driven to the local park and being made to bend over behind the cafe. No such problems with Kerry, she couldn't wait to get started. The mobility scooter did get in the way a bit but once I'd eased her out of it the fun really began. I managed to capture a couple of great pics:
So there you have it. Three top birds that all have a lot going for them. I'm leaning towards Kerry because her mobility scooter might get us into the disabled section at the Reebok, but Dawn is such a slut I might regret not choosing her. What do you think?