Your Worst Ever Date

This is one of my favourite forum threads as it always throws up a few funny stories.

Very simple: what is the worst date you've ever been on?

Those of you familiar with my work will know about the bloke shagging the settee, so I'll use another one as an example.

When I was about 25 I met a guy who was temping at my office, for some reason our first date was a walk in the park with our dogs. Within 5 minutes of us meeting up his dog chased after my dog and got run over on the street that ran behind the park. He was very dead.

We never saw each other again, he even cut short his temping.

once took a bird to a restarunt and it turned out her husband was sat on the next table with his boss.

Many years ago I asked a girl out that I had met at a party. Took her for a meal and took her back to my place. She then revealed that she had a boy friend and just wanted to be friends. She even tried to "borrow" a couple of my LPs for her boyfriend and got quite annoyed when I refused.

If she had offered to pay for half the meal I might have felt better.

I was engaged in a sex act on the settee with this Welsh girl once, when her boyfriend let himself in to say hello on his way to work, as a fitness instructor.

She threw clothes on and ran into the hall to greet him. I could hear them chatting in the kitchen, and I distinctly remember that on the telly was an episode of EastEnders which heavily involved Ian Beale and an 'eclipse' story line.

I was only young at the time and was shitting myself.

I remember thinking, "whatever I would do normally if I hadn't been mauling this guy's girlfriend when he popped in is exactly what I should do now", so I psyched myself up, went into the kitchen, introduced myself warmly, and shook his hand.

The guy was huge and ripped. The outcome was, we all had a brew and a chat, he went to work, and I knocked the back out of his missus. Everybody's happy.

Sorry about the happy ending. apart from a story where I turned up on a date in new shoes which were far too small and had to take them off, it's the worst 'date' experience I've had. Nearly had a heart attack at the time though.

largehat wrote:I distinctly remember that on the telly was an episode of EastEnders which heavily involved Ian Beale and an 'eclipse' story line.

Owen Owen Owen wrote:

largehat wrote:I distinctly remember that on the telly was an episode of EastEnders which heavily involved Ian Beale and an 'eclipse' story line.

Does that sound made up? It was something to do with Ian Beale and Melanie (Tamzin Outhwaite). There was a major eclipse that year and there was a story line about him proposing to her during the eclipse as a great romantic gesture.

I'm watching this big romantic gesture, sniffing my fingers and working up to go and say hello to Mr T in the other room. I was 21, she was 29 and she seduced me after I took her and her daughter to the local Wacky Warehouse.,,,which I suppose was technically the 'date' part of the afternoon.

It was my 21st at a night club ,i got bladdered bad this girl picked me up outside, i was miles away from home. She drove off with me and parked at the back of a national tyres depot. She was all over me like she had not eaten for months, I ripped open her top not intentionally just drunk and delicately grabbed her tits which is when it went horribly wrong. I could not find her nipples and i drunkenly said where's your fuckin nipples. She had inverted nipples apparently, anyway she pushed me out of the car and drove off. Then to make things worse i got arrested by a ginger cop for tresspassing and being drunk and dissorderly, i spent my 21st in the nick because i called him a ginger c-nt. It was a sad end to a great piss up.

As usual, anything involving telling a wacky story about something that's happened to you and Angry Dad takes the gold medal by a distance

I was seeing this girl at college who had a boyfriend who was a bit of a psycho. Whenever she tried to finish with him he got violent and did mad stuff like burning her with cigarettes and sleeping in the bus shelter outside her parents house etc.

We'd stayed late at college one night and we were walking into town, me with my arm round her. We turned a corner and crazy boyfriend was standing in a doorway waiting for her.

Next thing he pulls out a knife and starts chasing after me down these back streets in the town centre. I managed to outrun the idiot that night and despite a few other close calls he never got hold of me.

The strange thing about it was - years earlier I'd had a nightmare when I was kid that terrified me and I couldn't sleep properly for ages after it. It was exactly the same scenario - guy with the same looks chasing after me with a knife, same doorway with a lamp above it, bus going past at the same time, same streets.

I had a disturbing experience when i was about 19 and living in a house of bedsits. It was in london and i went out with a few mates got bladdered as usual dont remember getting home and did not pick up a bird either come the morning i woke up and there was this huge fat monster of a girl in the single bed with me. I flew out of bed fucking horrified she said hope you dont mind your door wasn't shut and i missed my last bus. People were alway's leaving doors open downstairs. She said she'd better get going and dont worry we didn't do anything. Well i would not have anyway for a million quid or in my state been able to. But did she do anything to me? it still bothers me even now .what a weird thing for a girl to do.

Angry Dad wrote:But did she do anything to me? it still bothers me even now .what a weird thing for a girl to do.

perhaps this is what made you so angry

not-so-plain-jayne wrote:

Angry Dad wrote:But did she do anything to me? it still bothers me even now .what a weird thing for a girl to do.

perhaps this is what made you so angry

Im not really angry, well not most of the time only when my kids wind me up on purpose for a laugh. Its all the simpsons fault.

This was a date that didn,t happen and it was awful because it was the most gorgeous sexy girl who was a young TV actress that i met in a club in london.
I dont even remember her name now, which is not like me.
She was with people but she chatted me up and i asked her out, we agreed she would come to my flat the following friday a week later.
All week i was hyped up for this, then thursday night i had a chinese prawn curry i got food poisoning so bad i was vomiting and lying on the floor, dizzy and shitting myself unable to move thought i was going to die never been so ill. Still like it when she rang my bell in the morning and i couldn't move, she eventually went and i never heard from her again.

Angry Dad wrote:This was a date that didn,t happen and it was awful because it was the most gorgeous sexy girl who was a young TV actress that i met in a club in london.
I dont even remember her name now, which is not like me.
She was with people but she chatted me up and i asked her out, we agreed she would come to my flat the following friday a week later.
All week i was hyped up for this, then thursday night i had a chinese prawn curry i got food poisoning so bad i was vomiting and lying on the floor, dizzy and shitting myself unable to move thought i was going to die never been so ill. Still like it when she rang my bell in the morning and i couldn't move, she eventually went and i never heard from her again.

perhaps this is what made you so angry

I'm angry on your behalf and I only read it!

On my 21st birthday my brother informed me he'd set me up with a hot older chick from his office. I thought this was his way of telling me he'd set me up with a high class escort rather than the tramps I'd been seeing from street corners and dodgy websites.

He tells me I'm to meet her in town, see a film, few drinks and then back to her place for "coffee". I was well up for it (in more ways than one), it was almost like a real date, no having to look over my shoulder for plod or some dodgy voyeur in a long plastic mac.

So I met up with her in Swinton. What a woman. About 35, massive tits, long legs, great fingers, nice ankles. Wow. And I knew she must be a really high class hooker when she said she didn't know where Denton was.

So we went to see 'Harry Potter' at the cinema and she was all over me. At one point she was wanking me off with one hand, and her finger up my bum with the other. It would have been perfect but for the 8 year old sat behind us who kept asking us to sit still.

After the film and a few drinks we went back to her house in Swinton. She invited me in for coffee and while she was in the kitchen making it I took all my clothes off and lay on her settee with the biggest three inch erection I'd ever had.

When she came back in with the coffee she dropped the tray and said 'what the fuck are you doing Quent?', to which I replied 'just getting ready for the finale'.

'Get the fuck out of my house you pervert' she shouts. By this time I'm pissed off because my brother must have paid upwards of £500 for this whore and here she was trying to renege on the deal. So I demanded sexual intercourse and asked he if my brother had paid for bareback. She started throwing stuff at me and dialled 999. As I was leaving I tried to pay her for the handjob in the cinema but that just seemed to make her angrier.

Turns out she wasn't a hooker, she really was a bird from my brothers office. It was the first time a woman had ever given me a handjob without wanting payment and I blew it.

Quent, although you got the wrong idea about the nature of this rendezvous, I think you were unlucky not to get away with it. I think she led you on.

Which Harry Potter was it? Don't say 'the one with the glasses', I mean which particular film?

largehat wrote:Which Harry Potter was it? Don't say 'the one with the glasses', I mean which particular film?

Quent wrote:And I knew she must be a really high class hooker when she said she didn't know where Denton was.

Sorry, but you should have realised she wasn't all that classy when she said she knew where Swinton was.

Great news that we've got a cinema now, though.

I was once sent on a blind date by a mate with a lass that worked in his office. She was lovely looking, very well presented and while I thought she was a bit overly chatty she was pleasant enough.
We had a drink and headed to a restaurant for a bite to eat. Sharing a bottle of wine I thought everything was going great, apart from the frequent visits to the toilet she took.
We decided to carry the night on and went to a club where in he blink of an eye she morphed into the most horrendously drunk person I've ever met. I decided that I couldn't just leave her there and called a cab. It took a good twenty minutes to get her out of the place and another twenty to e her address. Eventually getting to her place we discovered that not only had she lost her purse she had also lost her keys, and it was pissing it down.
We ended up getting another cab to mine, about a tenners worth away from hers, she threw up in the cab and cried all over me. I had to pay for the cab cleaning too. She fell asleep on my sofa at about 4 in the morning after ranting about how shittily men had treated her all her life and then throwing up on my carpet.
She left at about 11 the next day after calling her mum and cancelling her credit cards.
I never saw her again and swore to my mate Dave that if he ever got the urge to set me up with someone again then I would drown him in his own blood. He paid me the cab cleaning money out of guilt.