agony uncle y2johnny in the house mother funkys

Numpty 28723 wrote:

Breadman wrote:Uncle Johnny, I need your help!

I am a 45 year old man and until recently, I always considered myself to be "normal" (apart from having an unusually small head for an adult human male - honestly, it's tiny but that's not what I'm contacting you about).

However, I have recently developed an infatuation with well known TV weather lady Carol Kirkwood.

She's got massive knockers and I think that may be part of her appeal but I think there's more to it than that.

I first noticed Carol a few months back when I got up extra early one morning because I that bastard next door was playing his drums at six AM and I couldn't sleep.

I turned my telly box on and BOOM!, there she was.

It was love at first site and I now can't leave the house until BBC Breakfast's finished because I have to watch all her weather bulletins because she's so perfect and lovely.

And this is causing a problem because I think my wife is starting to smell a rat.

I think she knew something was up when I got her in the bedroom and asked her to dress up like Carol and tell me it was going to be sunny all week in a sing-song Scottish accent (which she can't do - she's rubbish at accents) because she called me a weirdo and kicked me in the nuts.

My dilemma is this: Do I bin my wife of 15 years and make a move on Carol or do I try and forget her and stick with the wife?

I'm erring towards putting all my eggs in Carol's basket because she's just soooo lovely, but Mrs B is quite good at cooking and stuff and she no longer laughs at my abnormally small head, so I'm still trying to decide what to do.

(And also I don't really like the way Carol calls that twat Bill Turnbull "Billy" and smiles at him, as he may turn out to be a rival for Carol's affections and I don't want to have to fight him because I've heard he does Ju Jitsu.)

Help me Uncle Johnny!!

With you all the way on this one - I am completely mesmerized by her bazongas. I can't face the day until I've had my fix at 6.50.

Breadman wrote:Thanks for the advice, Uncle Johnny.

I've just been to Tesco to buy some hand cream and a big box of Kleenex Mansize for tomorrow morning - I'll report back "after the event" and let you know if it helps with my problem.

And as you've been so helpful so far, I was wondering of you could help me with another little problem I've got?

I think I may be being targeted by Jehovah's Witnesses and other assorted religious groups, as hardly a day goes by without someone knocking on my front door and wanting to ask me if I am ready to receive God into my life.

Initially we all had a good laugh about it when I said "Only if he pays me room and board for living in the spare bedroom, LOL!" and it was a pleasant way to pass ten minutes or so, chatting about God and stuff and why they believed in him and me countering their argument with a well constructed series of explanations about why I thought it was all a load of laughable bollocks.....

...but recently things have taken a disturbing twist and I think I'm being targeted.

At first I only used to get regular visits from one couple (Harold and Steve from the Jehovah's Witnesses) and they were fine but recently I've started to attract the attention of a far wider group of religious nutters from a variety of denominations.

I've got the Jehovah's lot, Zoroastrians, Church of the Latter Day Saints, Scottish Presbyterians, some crazy Africans who keep telling me that I'm "going to Hell in a firey chariot with a stick up my bum" and worst of all, a little old lady called Nat who (bizarrely) keeps telling me I should "accept Jesus into my life and rejoice with a packet of Twirls".

She's the worst by far and I can't get rid of her.

She's even taken to barging in past me, plonking herself down on the settee and demanding a cup of warm Vimto before she starts brow beating me about how brilliant God is and how I'm such an utter bell end for not accepting his love in my life.

Can I legally kill her if she's on my property and what would be the best way to do it without drawing attention to myself?

Thanks as ever.

GreenCapriman.

boltonbonce wrote:Bread will have to make love to me if he wants Carol. 
There may be trouble.

boltonbonce wrote:Bread will have to get past me if he wants Carol. 
There may be trouble.

y2johnny wrote:

boltonbonce wrote:Bread will have to make love to me if he wants Carol. 
There may be trouble.

yeah that's a whole other issue

gilphartsidebwfc1 wrote:Hi uncle johnny

My name is gil and i have a wee problem.

I run a business for a foreign investor and i am a bit worried he is going to sell up.

Im always on the wrong side of the tracks when i buy and sell to improve the efficiency of the business and i think he is fed up of forking out for low wage immigrant workers only for them not to be able to do there job properly.

The business is pissing money away and employees seem intent on passing the night away rather than do what they are paid for.

I've just employed a new manager to try and get control of them as he even scares the shit out of me but even this isn't having the desired effect.

I come to you as a last resort as a good friend of mine......nathan.......said you was the best thing sinced sliced green capris.  Please help.

Nephew gil

y2johnny wrote:To be honest i get paid enough off sluffy to just post on here, but my "actual" job is an rpe technician.  i do face fit testing for people that wear rpe (face masks) to make sure the fit correctly and protect them against whatever hazards they are up against.  i also check breathing airline quality for air fed hoods/masks.  when i am in the office it is a mixture of courier runs (picking up samples from other labs) paperwork and helping out in our own lab.