Joke Thread

Reebok Trotter wrote:I joined an internet dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I said " Girls from Page three."

I wondered why I had no replies, until I realised that the letter P wasn't working on my keyboard.

Ha Ha. On a similar theme, this one made me laugh. Placing an advert over the phone is fraught with danger.

https://youtu.be/tBBJ8iOnUGQ

Ha ha RT.

That advert reminds me of the time Larry Davos phoned in a newspaper obituary in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Beloved Aunt', there was a typo with the first letter of 'Aunt'. Awesome.

largehat wrote:Ha ha RT.

That advert reminds me of the time Larry Davos phoned in a newspaper obituary in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Beloved Aunt', there was a typo with the first letter of 'Aunt'. Awesome.

Look at the post one up from RT's!

Methinks LH has been on the strong stuff tonight!

What's got two legs and bleeds?


Half a kitten.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.


3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.


5. Trying to debate with Man United supporters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

I went to the supermarket this morning and bought one potato, one egg and one banana.

The girl on the checkout said: "I bet you live on your own, don't you?"

"As a matter of fact I do", I said, "How did you know?"

"Cos your so fucking ugly" she replied.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The Queens corgis are delighted that Prince Philip is back at the palace. They wont get blamed for peeing on the sofa anymore.

My wife had one of those near death experiences last night.................

The silly moo thought she could hoover while the football was on..!!

Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally , I had a little peek as I handed them over.
" Would you like the negatives?" I asked.
" Yes, please." he said sheepishly.
"Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse." I replied.

And the Lord went unto the English and said "I have Commandments"

"Commandments?" they said. "Like what?" they said.

"Like Thou shalt not commit adultery" sayeth the Lord.

"Bit f******* late for that. We've been conquered so many times we wouldn't exist without adultery. Now f*** off.!

Breaking news.... Wayne Rooney has just tested positive for a performance enhancing rug.

I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me that I have a split personality and charged me £84. I gave him £42 and told him to get the rest off the other fcuker.