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On Saturday evening I was at a charity function at a posh hotel in Manchester. It was terribly boring, with a host of Z-list celebs wearing next to nothing and making tits of themselves.
I was hit on by two of the cast of Coronation Street and one who used to be in The Bill. So just another typical evening for an ex-model and former businesswoman of the year. Anyway, as I had a room in the hotel and didn't need to drive I took advantage of the free wine on the table and, to be honest, had one too many.
By the time the dessert arrived (apple pie) I found myself being hit on by some jug-eared ponce with a Brummie accent. Now normally I would have given him a wide berth but my defences were down due to the alcohol and, to be fair, he seemed a genuine sort of chap. It would have been rude to tell the jug-eared ponce to fuck off. And at least it stopped the guy from The Bill whispering in my ear that he wanted to dip me in Ronseal and masturbate over me.
Anyway, after half an hour of polite chat about his tattoos and jug-ears I escaped to the ladies to freshen up. My friend was in there and she said "do you know who that bloke is with the ears?" I said I didn't have a clue and asked if he was in Holyoaks. She then pipes up that he plays for my team!
Was it Josh Hine the guy who took the Magpies back to the big time not two weeks ago? Unfortunately not, it turns out it was a player from my ex-team Bolton Wanderers - none other than Mavies himself, the big ponce.
I returned to the table where Mavies was still sitting, talking to the salt and pepper pots. I told him I knew who he was and said I was pleased that he had got this far into the evening without getting injured. Anyway, he told me a few stories about Zat Knight and Owen Coyle before he invited me back to his room.
Now I'm not the sort of girl who sleeps with any man on the evening she meets him, but I did go back to his room for a coffee and a chat. At one pint he tried to show me his todger but I said my fanny was still growing back. After that awkward moment we actually talked for hours, he kept telling me how lucky he felt to be in the company of Natasha Whittam, the most famous and beautiful Bolton supporter. Apparently I am a regular topic of conversation on the team bus. The players love my posts, but dislike Hipster and Boggers.
I left his room at about 4am feeling a lot more sober and with a major dilemma as I'd made the mistake of giving him my phone number. And not 15 minutes ago he phoned to invite me out for a date on Tuesday evening.
So what should I do? Should I lower my standards and date Mavies, or should I tell him to fuck off and that I only do Chorley boys?
I was hit on by two of the cast of Coronation Street and one who used to be in The Bill. So just another typical evening for an ex-model and former businesswoman of the year. Anyway, as I had a room in the hotel and didn't need to drive I took advantage of the free wine on the table and, to be honest, had one too many.
By the time the dessert arrived (apple pie) I found myself being hit on by some jug-eared ponce with a Brummie accent. Now normally I would have given him a wide berth but my defences were down due to the alcohol and, to be fair, he seemed a genuine sort of chap. It would have been rude to tell the jug-eared ponce to fuck off. And at least it stopped the guy from The Bill whispering in my ear that he wanted to dip me in Ronseal and masturbate over me.
Anyway, after half an hour of polite chat about his tattoos and jug-ears I escaped to the ladies to freshen up. My friend was in there and she said "do you know who that bloke is with the ears?" I said I didn't have a clue and asked if he was in Holyoaks. She then pipes up that he plays for my team!
Was it Josh Hine the guy who took the Magpies back to the big time not two weeks ago? Unfortunately not, it turns out it was a player from my ex-team Bolton Wanderers - none other than Mavies himself, the big ponce.
I returned to the table where Mavies was still sitting, talking to the salt and pepper pots. I told him I knew who he was and said I was pleased that he had got this far into the evening without getting injured. Anyway, he told me a few stories about Zat Knight and Owen Coyle before he invited me back to his room.
Now I'm not the sort of girl who sleeps with any man on the evening she meets him, but I did go back to his room for a coffee and a chat. At one pint he tried to show me his todger but I said my fanny was still growing back. After that awkward moment we actually talked for hours, he kept telling me how lucky he felt to be in the company of Natasha Whittam, the most famous and beautiful Bolton supporter. Apparently I am a regular topic of conversation on the team bus. The players love my posts, but dislike Hipster and Boggers.
I left his room at about 4am feeling a lot more sober and with a major dilemma as I'd made the mistake of giving him my phone number. And not 15 minutes ago he phoned to invite me out for a date on Tuesday evening.
So what should I do? Should I lower my standards and date Mavies, or should I tell him to fuck off and that I only do Chorley boys?
Last edited by Natasha Whittam on Tue May 20, 2014 4:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
