Me: I'd like to report a missing person.
Cops: His or her name?
Cops: Quent? Is that his first or last name?
Me: No idea, perhaps it's his only name, a bit like Pele.
Cops: Ok, how is he related to you?
Me: I've never met him.
Cops: Er, ok. His address?
Me: No idea, somewhere in Denton perhaps? He likes to get wanked off overlooking the town centre is all I know.
Cops: Right. So how do you know he's missing if you've never met him?
Me: He's a regular on a football forum I help run and he hasn't posted for over 24 hours.
Cops: Hardly reason to suspect he's missing, perhaps he has a life sir.
Me: I don't like your tone, I only spend 14 hours a day on my PC. Anyway, the last we heard from Quent he was trying to rescue his hooker girlfriend from a big pimp with £10,000 in his back pocket.
Cops: Goodbye sir.