The Work Dump

When I arrived at work this morning I was greeted by a hyperventilating secretary who said she had found something awful on the bathroom floor.

She was too upset to talk so I headed to the bathroom to see what was so awful. Was it Dougie's tactics for Leeds, Breadman's gay sex manual, or even Sluffy's sleep inducing guide to cycling. It turned out to be none of these, it was simply a big poo.

Rather than use the toilets provided as is customary in Manchester, someone had decided to deposit a huge stinking dump right in the middle of the bathroom floor. Absolutely disgusting.

This has caused major outrage at my company, there is talk of a strike unless the culprit is found. People are scared to sit down in case someone has taken a shite on their chair.

To be honest, I really want to find the culprit so I can publically humiliate him or her and then sack the pervert. I have been in contact with one of those DNA places that determines if someone is the father of a sprog, and they will analyse the dump against the DNA of my staff for a fee of £235 + VAT. Sounds reasonable.

Of my 16 staff 12 have agreed to the DNA test, but 4 are claiming some human rights bollocks. It's clearly one of them. So the question is, do I force them to take the DNA test and risk being sued, or does finding the secret shitter supersede any human rights crap?

I can't help noticing that you have created this thread only 14 minutes after one entitled: "Why should people at the top take the blame?"

Are the two linked in some way.......?

Breadman wrote:I can't help noticing that you have created this thread only 14 minutes after one entitled: "Why should people at the top take the blame?"

Are the two linked in some way.......?

The two issues were both on my mind, but aren't linked. Although the dump episode could also be headlines on the BBC website before 8pm.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

The two issues were both on my mind, but aren't linked. Although the dump episode could also be headlines on the BBC website before 8pm.

Under a banner headline which reads: "More shit from Whittam!".......?

Do you have a bloke called Wilson working there?
I ask as during the mid 80's a kid asked to use the toilets in my restaurant in Manchester and did exactly the same thing. Except he tried to nick a picture off the walls and got caught. He'd be in his late 30s now. Wilson - track record of shitting on the floor in the loo. Probably him although he may have changed his name and undergone gender reassignment to cover his tracks.

Breadman wrote:

Under a banner headline which reads: "More shit from Whittam!".......?

There was a time I could come on this site and get valuable advice on what to do in various work situations. Magoo's advice was vital in bringing the toilet masturbator to justice, and Hipster knew exactly what to do when the sex club started.

Now I just get this shit.

Either help or fuck off.

Apologies.

This is a serious "matter" and I shouldn't be so glib.

How big is it?

That'd be a start because men's poo is generally bigger than ladies - Fact!

wanderlust wrote:Do you have a bloke called Wilson working there?
I ask as during the mid 80's a kid asked to use the toilets in my restaurant in Manchester and did exactly the same thing. Except he tried to nick a picture off the walls and got caught. He'd be in his late 30s now. Wilson - track record of shitting on the floor in the loo. Probably him although he may have changed his name and undergone gender reassignment to cover his tracks.

No Wilson I'm afraid.

The 4 candidates are:

Cheryl, 45, eats a lot of shite, visits toilet a lot
Dave, 22, always in the toilets sneaking a fag
Mavis, 62, total slag but doesn't strike me as a public shitter
Irene, 33, has a phobia about toilets and hasn't used one for 9 years

This is like Cluedo with shit.

"Poodo", as it were......

Natasha Whittam wrote:
I have been in contact with one of those DNA places that determines if someone is the father of a sprog, and they will analyse the dump against the DNA of my staff for a fee of £235 + VAT. Sounds reasonable.

Be careful before you shell out the readies. It is notoriously difficult to extract a DNA profile from faeces unless there is blood in it.

Somebody I know had their house burgled and the culprit left a Mr Curly Top in the lounge behind the TV cabinet. The Scenes of crime officer from the Old Bill took the sample away after it was explained to him that the offending article was left by the burglar and not a household occupant. I kid you not! He actually asked if the family were certain it wasn't one of theirs!

A few months later they were informed that the police had been unable to extract a DNA profile because there was no blood in the stool.

Your payment to the private company may turn out to be a fools errand.

I would look for someone who is stressed, or behaving differently, or who has a recent cause for a grievance against the company. If there are psychological problems, you would probably have found the faeces had also been spread, (i.e. do you know of someone with uncertain behavioural problems). Can I assume it was the ladies, as it was your secretary who found it?

Didn't J Edgar Hoover famously devote a load of the FBI's resources to trying to identify the dog that was crapping on his lawn only to discover that it was a raccoon or something?

Do they have raccoons in Preston?

It might be worth finding out.

This thread is disgusting. What kind of pricks do you employ..

Breadman wrote:

Do they have raccoons in Preston?

I work in Manchester. Do I really have to explain everything?

Reebok Trotter wrote:

Be careful before you shell out the readies. It is notoriously difficult to extract a DNA profile from faeces unless there is blood in it.

Somebody I know had their house burgled and the culprit left a Mr Curly Top in the lounge behind the TV cabinet. The Scenes of crime officer from the Old Bill took the sample away after it was explained to him that the offending article was left by the burglar and not a household occupant. I kid you not! He actually asked if the family were certain it wasn't one of theirs!

A few months later they were informed that the police had been unable to extract a DNA profile because there was no blood in the stool.

Your payment to the private company may turn out to be a fools errand.

Trust you to be clued up on shit.

Breadman wrote:Didn't J Edgar Hoover famously devote a load of the FBI's resources to trying to identify the dog that was crapping on his lawn only to discover that it was a raccoon or something?

Do they have raccoons in Preston?

It might be worth finding out.

It was obviously a Commie raccoon.

gloswhite wrote:I would look for someone who is stressed, or behaving differently, or who has a recent cause for a grievance against the company. If there are psychological problems, you would probably have found the faeces had also been spread, (i.e. do you know of someone with uncertain behavioural problems). Can I assume it was the ladies, as it was your secretary who found it?

All my staff are stressed with behavioural problems. The dump wasn't spread but Sally claims she saw Mavis with poo stains on her cheek. But does that make her guilty?

Natasha Whittam wrote:

gloswhite wrote:I would look for someone who is stressed, or behaving differently, or who has a recent cause for a grievance against the company. If there are psychological problems, you would probably have found the faeces had also been spread, (i.e. do you know of someone with uncertain behavioural problems). Can I assume it was the ladies, as it was your secretary who found it?

The dump wasn't spread but Sally claims she saw Mavis with poo stains on her cheek. But does that make her guilty?

No. I suspect a smear campaign.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

Reebok Trotter wrote:

Be careful before you shell out the readies. It is notoriously difficult to extract a DNA profile from faeces unless there is blood in it.

Somebody I know had their house burgled and the culprit left a Mr Curly Top in the lounge behind the TV cabinet. The Scenes of crime officer from the Old Bill took the sample away after it was explained to him that the offending article was left by the burglar and not a household occupant. I kid you not! He actually asked if the family were certain it wasn't one of theirs!

A few months later they were informed that the police had been unable to extract a DNA profile because there was no blood in the stool.

Your payment to the private company may turn out to be a fools errand.

Trust you to be clued up on shit.

If you want to get to the bottom of something then it pays to be clued up on such matters.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

Breadman wrote:

Do they have raccoons in Preston?

I work in Manchester. Do I really have to explain everything?

So you're ruling out anybody / thing (to encompass our raccoon friends) who don't live in Manchester?

The raccoon could have caught the train from Preston to Victoria, Sherlock........

Good job you weren't in charge of the Ripper hunt.......