Daughter's Wedding

Hi all.

I haven't been around much recently, partly because of work but mainly because Hannah is getting married in August. Of course we're all delighted for her and her intended and we're already hard at work sorting out the wedding and the reception and it should be a truly wonderful day for both of them. However, something's come up and I could use some impartial advice so I thought I'd ask my fellow Nutters what they think.

Here's the problem. As many of you know Hannah is my step-daughter rather than my biological child but she's asked me to give her away and when I suggested her dad should do it she wouldn't even discuss it. Don't get me wrong, I'm honoured to be asked but it's already causing massive friction amongst both Wendy's family and Jason's (her ex), many of whom are still in touch with and quite close to the girls. As to Jason himself he's putting a brave face on things but he's clearly hurt and I can't honestly blame him.

I don't want Hannah to make a decision that she will regret later and I honestly feel that alienating her aunts, uncles and grandparents from her father's side is such a decision. Wendy agrees with me in that it would be better if Hannah could see her way clear to changing her mind on this but frankly neither of us hold out much hope given she comes by her stubborn streak honestly.

I could really do with some help here guys, I love Hannah to bits and I want her to have a perfect wedding day but I fear she'll come to regret her current stance. Any ideas on some sort of compromise?

Depends on the reason why she and her bio dad don’t get on?

Why don't you both give her away?

I'm really not sure. He's never forgotten a birthday or christmas, he saw them as often as he could until the girls went to uni but he now lives and works down in Kent. If Hannah does have a specific reason for it she's not shared it with Wendy or myself.

wanderlust wrote:Why don't you both give her away?

Interesting idea. I hadn't thought of that. My own idea is for me to walk Hannah down the aisle but have Jason make the "Father of the Bride" speech. Do you think the priest would go for her being given away by two dads?

Difficult to advise without knowing more about this but I would guess that the reason that she wants you to give her away is because she feels that you are more her father than her biological father. If so she is unlikely to change her mind and it is her big day so I would be inclined to go along with her wishes.

luckyPeterpiper wrote:

wanderlust wrote:Why don't you both give her away?

Interesting idea. I hadn't thought of that. My own idea is for me to walk Hannah down the aisle but have Jason make the "Father of the Bride" speech. Do you think the priest would go for her being given away by two dads?

Not sure about the Catholic church but there's usually no problem with CoE. Here's an idea - why don't you ask him?

Tough one Peter and fair play to you wanting to do the right thing by everyone.

At the end of the day it is your daughters call.

Boggers is right about why she wants to make it - maybe she believes you've been her true father even though not her biological one.  Maybe it's something he's done or said that she can't forgive him for.

Maybe her mum and/or sister can get some insight into it from her and give you a better understanding of what to do?

I think Peter is concerned about damaging the relationship further down the line. If the priest is OK with it then it becomes an option for Peter's discussions with his daughter.

Definitely lusty. At the end of the day whatever Hannah's feeling now Jason is still her dad, the one who was there when she was born and for the first fourteen years of her life an everyday presence in her life. I just don't want her to look back ten years or so from now and think "I wish I hadn't done that".

Ultimately it's Hannah's day and I'll do what she wants but I'd really like to find some sort of compromise and a genuine role for Jason that she'll agree to and be happy with. I do feel I'm floundering in the dark a bit here since I genuinely don't know why she's taken this stance.

Sluffy wrote:Tough one Peter and fair play to you wanting to do the right thing by everyone.

At the end of the day it is your daughters call.

Boggers is right about why she wants to make it - maybe she believes you've been her true father even though not her biological one.  Maybe it's something he's done or said that she can't forgive him for.

Maybe her mum and/or sister can get some insight into it from her and give you a better understanding of what to do?

Sluffy I am not boggers!

xmiles wrote:

Sluffy wrote:Tough one Peter and fair play to you wanting to do the right thing by everyone.

At the end of the day it is your daughters call.

Boggers is right about why she wants to make it - maybe she believes you've been her true father even though not her biological one.  Maybe it's something he's done or said that she can't forgive him for.

Maybe her mum and/or sister can get some insight into it from her and give you a better understanding of what to do?

Sluffy I am not boggers!

I was referring to the second post in the thread by Boggers and then for my next paragraph suggesting a female perspective if possible.

luckyPeterpiper wrote:Definitely lusty. At the end of the day whatever Hannah's feeling now Jason is still her dad, the one who was there when she was born and for the first fourteen years of her life an everyday presence in her life. I just don't want her to look back ten years or so from now and think "I wish I hadn't done that".

Ultimately it's Hannah's day and I'll do what she wants but I'd really like to find some sort of compromise and a genuine role for Jason that she'll agree to and be happy with. I do feel I'm floundering in the dark a bit here since I genuinely don't know why she's taken this stance.

That's why you should explore the options before you discuss it with her. If the priest won't have it you'll have to think again, but I would advise against having the chat with her based on the presumption it's not a possibility.
If it is an option (and I suspect her stated wish was at least in part "to make a point" or to address what she perceived as your concerns) then you could mention that if she wants to make you happy, you would prefer it if both dads walked her down the aisle. She'll thank you for it.

I think I'm going to try that lusty. Thanks.

luckyPeterpiper wrote:I think I'm going to try that lusty. Thanks.

Good luck! Hopefully you get a win-win out of this situation.

xmiles wrote:

Sluffy wrote:Tough one Peter and fair play to you wanting to do the right thing by everyone.

At the end of the day it is your daughters call.

Boggers is right about why she wants to make it - maybe she believes you've been her true father even though not her biological one.  Maybe it's something he's done or said that she can't forgive him for.

Maybe her mum and/or sister can get some insight into it from her and give you a better understanding of what to do?

Sluffy I am not boggers!

Tit

Boggersbelief wrote:

xmiles wrote:

Sluffy wrote:Tough one Peter and fair play to you wanting to do the right thing by everyone.

At the end of the day it is your daughters call.

Boggers is right about why she wants to make it - maybe she believes you've been her true father even though not her biological one.  Maybe it's something he's done or said that she can't forgive him for.

Maybe her mum and/or sister can get some insight into it from her and give you a better understanding of what to do?

Sluffy I am not boggers!

Tit

Why would anyone want to be mistaken for you?

I think, in a poll, me vs you.. you’d be booted out

Its a tough one LPP but all the end of the day it's your step-Daughters wedding and her day so everyone should respect her wishes.

I'm not in touch with my Dad and haven't spoken to him in many years due to him being a crap father when me and my brother were kids. He disappeared for many years and never made any effort to get in touch.

Your step daughter must have a good reason to want you to give her away, i suppose you just need to sit down and talk about it.

Thank you to everyone for their advice and support. It's genuinely appreciated. It turns out that Hannah is unhappy with Jason because when Wendy and I got engaged he demanded she choose sides between him and her mum. Why he'd pull such an insane stunt is beyond me, my boys still have a good relationship with their mum and I'm very pleased by that. Anyway when I spoke to Jason about all this he pretty much demanded that I step aside since he's Hannah's dad. He's been so obnoxious about the entire business that his own family have now suggested he not be there at all. I'm letting Hannah and Wendy work that one out but I'm giving her away, making the speech and (God save us all) having the father of the bride dance (Good luck Hannah's toes )

I wish it hadn't come to this or that Hannah and Tanya had told us sooner about Jason's demanding their 'loyalty' but it is what it is and now Jason has to live with the consequences.