Joke Thread

DEANO82 · 21 Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:53

DEANO82

Tony Kelly

Posts : 955
Join date : 2016-08-13
Location : Westhoughton

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

Guest · 22 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:02

Guest

Just accidentally put my donor card into the cash mashine

Cost me an arm and a leg

DEANO82 · 23 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:31

DEANO82

Tony Kelly

Posts : 955
Join date : 2016-08-13
Location : Westhoughton

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation after his accident.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,

"Can I feel your tits then?"

scottjames30 · 24 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 19:50

scottjames30

Nat Lofthouse

Posts : 14235
Join date : 2013-02-17
Age : 108
Location : Top Dog.

What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Bwfc1958 · 25 Re: Joke Thread Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Posts : 4964
Join date : 2014-09-29
Age : 41
Location : Little Hulton

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

Bwfc1958 · 26 Re: Joke Thread Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Posts : 4964
Join date : 2014-09-29
Age : 41
Location : Little Hulton

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a Bakery,
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them in his pocket & walks out the shop,
he then says to paddy, that took great skill to steal those buns the owner never even noticed.
Paddy looked at him in discust and said that is plain theft, if you want some buns there is a honest way of getting them for free.
Go on then said the Englishman, lets see how you do it.
So they go back in the shop, and paddy calls over the owner.
Sir, I want to show you a bit of magic.
The owner is intrigued and say go on then lets see your magic.
Right says paddy
Pass me two of those buns,
the owner does so and paddy eats them.
The owner says so where is the magic.
Paddy says I need another bun or I can't make it work.
The owner is now getting a bit pissed off but gives him another bun.
to which Paddy again eats and starts to walk out the shop.
The owner is fuming and says so where the hell is the magic.
Paddy turns round and says.
Look in the Englishman's pocket...

karlypants · 27 Re: Joke Thread Thu Oct 13 2016, 06:11

karlypants

Nat Lofthouse

Posts : 38245
Join date : 2012-08-04

Bwfc1958 wrote:Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

DEANO82 · 28 Re: Joke Thread Sun Oct 23 2016, 07:26

DEANO82

Tony Kelly

Posts : 955
Join date : 2016-08-13
Location : Westhoughton

Donald Trump visits an elementary school and visits a class. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher offers Mr. Trump if he would like to join the discussion of the word tragedy.
Mr. Trump asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No.", says Mr Trump, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!", exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

xmiles · 29 Re: Joke Thread Sun Oct 23 2016, 08:48

xmiles

Jay Jay Okocha

Posts : 6567
Join date : 2012-01-06

DEANO82 wrote:Donald Trump visits an elementary school and visits a class. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher offers Mr. Trump if he would like to join the discussion of the word tragedy.
Mr. Trump asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No.", says Mr Trump, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!", exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

gloswhite · 30 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:06

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

gloswhite · 31 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:11

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men:
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy

gloswhite · 32 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:13

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap
in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and
sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides
off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips
over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal
his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls
his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy
Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me'
says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having
some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist
suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

gloswhite · 33 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:15

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and that's all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

gloswhite · 34 Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 15 2016, 09:18

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

a couple of new ones here:

A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas. I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."
He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help..!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live for Xmas . Can you help him..???
Just bought some sage and onion flavoured condoms. Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing.
We've just played the Christmas edition of "Cluedo".
My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.
It was Christmas and the Judge was in a Merry Mood as he asked the Prisoner, "What are you charged with"..???
"Doing my Christmas Shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's No Offense", said the Judge.
"How early were you doing this Shopping".??
"Before the Store Opened".
Me and the wife haven't spoken since last Christmas day,
I was over the moon with the new hearing aid she got me as a present, yet she hasn't even said thank you for the huge black clock she so desperately wanted.

I was in Tesco the other day, and I saw Jeremy Corbin buying an Xmas Advent Calendar.
He told me that it was the only way he was going to get to open the door to Number 10..!!..

MartinBWFC · 35 Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:14

MartinBWFC

Ivan Campo

Posts : 4174
Join date : 2012-08-13
Age : 58
Location : Farnworth

Got thrown out of Mcdonalds this afternoon, the stunner serving me said she could make it large for 30p, I said you already have, and could she finish me off for a pound

gloswhite · 36 Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:39

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth."

gloswhite · 37 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 10:58

gloswhite

Guðni Bergsson

Posts : 7839
Join date : 2012-01-08
Age : 74
Location : Cheltenham

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.Then, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he didn't win. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

I'll get my coat. Very Happy

whatsgoingon · 38 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 11:40

whatsgoingon

Frank Worthington

Posts : 3073
Join date : 2013-10-04
Age : 61

gloswhite wrote:Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.Then, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he didn't win. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

I'll get my coat.

Nice

Bwfc1958 · 39 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:22

Bwfc1958

Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Posts : 4964
Join date : 2014-09-29
Age : 41
Location : Little Hulton

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"

Bread2.0 · 40 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:41

Bread2.0

Andy Walker

Posts : 1894
Join date : 2016-08-19

Quality!

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Joke Thread

21 Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:53

DEANO82

22 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:02

Guest

23 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 18:31

DEANO82

24 Re: Joke Thread Mon Oct 03 2016, 19:50

scottjames30

25 Re: Joke Thread Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

26 Re: Joke Thread Wed Oct 12 2016, 22:49

Bwfc1958

27 Re: Joke Thread Thu Oct 13 2016, 06:11

karlypants

28 Re: Joke Thread Sun Oct 23 2016, 07:26

DEANO82

29 Re: Joke Thread Sun Oct 23 2016, 08:48

xmiles

30 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:06

gloswhite

31 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:11

gloswhite

32 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:13

gloswhite

33 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 06 2016, 10:15

gloswhite

34 Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 15 2016, 09:18

gloswhite

35 Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:14

MartinBWFC

36 Re: Joke Thread Sun Dec 18 2016, 17:39

gloswhite

37 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 10:58

gloswhite

38 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 20 2016, 11:40

whatsgoingon

39 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:22

Bwfc1958

40 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 09:41

Bread2.0

41 Re: Joke Thread

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