Joke Thread

Bwfc1958 wrote:A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Saw this on a bolton Facebook page

Spillthebeans wrote:Mick goes into Wexford County Council and applies for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes caffeine. I cant drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the Irish army? "Yes, I was in the lebanon for 3 years." The interviewer says, "That will give you an extra 5 points towards employment." Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?".
Mick says, Yes a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says "Disabled in the line of duty for your Country! Well that qualifies you for bonus points.
Okay. You have enough points, I can hire you right now. Our normal working hours are from 8.00 am to 4.00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10.00am and plan on starting at 10.00 am every day.
Mick is a bit confused and asks, "if the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why dont you want me here till 10.00am?" The interviewer says, "This is the Council , for the first 2 hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Sluffy wrote:12 Great One Liners

Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

boltonbonce wrote:War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.