Joke Thread

I would like to welcome on stage, the finalists of The Worlds Biggest Vagina contest, would you give them a big hand please?
-biggie

What do you call an extra terrestrial magician who is on an aeroplane? A flying sorcerer. 
-biggie

I have been thinking rather deeply, more and more about the earths crust recently, but if I keep going I think I will end up completely mantle!
-biggie

Where do Martians go for a pint of bitter? The Aley Inn.
-biggie (face palm)

Don't give up your day job Biggie.

These jokes form the basis of my up and coming stand up routine...
Stand Up For Bad Comedians

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang.


The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

Nick Clegg has been knighted.

1981

English Prince gets married

Liverpool win the European cup

Pope dies.

2005

English Prince gets married

Liverpool win the Champions league

Pope dies.

2018

English Prince gets married

Liverpool in Champion league final

Pope shitting himself.

Is he shitting in the woods?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  

"Yes," replies the little girl.  

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.  

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

If sex with 4 people is called a foursome, and sex with 3 people is called a threesome, it now makes sense why people call norpig HANDsome.

(Sorry norpig, i just know you like to admit knocking one out constantly )

Wigan

Sam and Joel Tomkins.