Joke Thread

My doctor told me I’m suffering from hypochondria.
Hardly surprising as I’ve had everything else.

Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. 
It’s brilliant - comes with Aldi King’s horses and Aldi King’s men.

Funniest newspaper headline I've seen in ages...



(also what an incredibly selfish woman she was...)

Jaysus! February since someone posted a joke on here!

OK then...

My neighbour confronted me about items missing from her washing line.
I nearly shit her pants.

Have to say I'm confused about this modern gender identity thing. I got a date with a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin...
...but I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday...




...I thank you...

I recently got divorced and agreed with the missus that we should split the house.

I got the outside.

Slackers!

Why does the Norwegian naval fleet have bar codes painted on the sides of their ships?

So when they get back to port they can....


Scandinavian

wanderlust wrote:Slackers!

Why does the Norwegian naval fleet have bar codes painted on the sides of their ships?

So when they get back to port they can....


Scandinavian

Sluffy, I was against banning Lusty, but this one has gone too far.

boltonbonce wrote:
Sluffy, I was against banning Lusty, but this one has gone too far.

It's my philosophy in life - show me a depth and I'll plumb it

That Norwegian joke is still rattling around my head like an errant Marble.
It's tantamount to walking in on Ann Widdecombe in the shower. Not something you'd choose to do, but, once done, would be impossible to expunge from the brain.
You're thinking about it, aren't you?
Aren't you?

I'm thinking Scandinavian.

I still have difficulty seeing an Aldi without thinking about Humpty Dumpty. I'm not well.

Edinburgh Fringe funniest jokes:

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

Well if that’s the top 15 it just proves that humour is dead. Bring back “The Comedians.” I seem to recall a proper comic being banned for referring to the “Fockers” but now it seems fine for todays unfunny individuals, who I won’t refer to as comedians, to swear, blaspheme and use crudity instead of real humour. Just another indication of the sad world we live in I suppose so keep it going lusty at least yours do have some real time humour.

Anyway, here’s a few of my favourites.

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.
If somethings neither here nor there where the hell is it?
They say it’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
I went for a tucan curry last night. It was delicious but the bill was a bit big.

Whitesince63 wrote:Well if that’s the top 15 it just proves that humour is dead. Bring back “The Comedians.” I seem to recall a proper comic being banned for referring to the “Fockers” but now it seems fine for todays unfunny individuals, who I won’t refer to as comedians, to swear, blaspheme and use crudity instead of real humour. Just another indication of the sad world we live in I suppose so keep it going lusty at least yours do have some real time humour.

Humour is what you find funny I guess.

I find Wanderlust 'comments' and 'jokes' to be quite often racist, crude and vulgar "he has the touch of a rapist" comment springs to mind.

Breadman returned again the other day to simply say -  "Go on...I'll have a look because it's obviously that weird cunt Sluffy being a mentalist again" and then added a reply to Karly that he "just runs round behind him [Sluffy] licking his arse & lobbing your own retarded thoughts in."

Norpig obviously thought that was funny as per his later comments on that thread.

If you and Norpig laugh at such things, then that's up to you.


I prefer a much more subtle, cleverer and gentle humour myself and laughing at morons like Wanderlust and Breadman for being so utterly pathetic as to absurdly need to seek validation for themselves from completely anonymous and random people on social media as the clearly haven't found it in their own real life.

Anyway -

Funniest Edinburgh Fringe jokes from years gone by

This year's Funniest Joke of the Fringe winner is comedian Mark Simmons with his pun about a cancelled sailing trip.

Here are the previous 10 winners:

2023: Lorna Rose Treen became the first female comedian to win the accolade since the inaugural Fringe joke award in 2008 with her dating pun.

"I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah."

2022: A pasta gag from Masai Graham triumphed as the Fringe festival returned in full force after the Covid pandemic.

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

2020/2021 - Covid - no Fringe was held.

2019: Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel got plenty of laughs but also some criticism from a Tourette's charity with his winning joke.

"I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

2018: Liverpool comedian Alan Rowe hit the spot with a one-liner about being sacked by a Jobcentre.

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

2017: Ken Cheng, who is also a professional poker player, kept a straight face with his gag about the new pound coin.

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."

2016: Having made the shortlist in the two previous years, Masai Graham finally took the top spot with his organ donor joke.

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he is a man after my own heart"

2015: With a Fringe show called Punderbolt, it was no surprise that a pun was Darren Walsh's punchline.

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

2014: Tim Vine became the first comedian to win the award for a second time with his joke about a vacuum cleaner.

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

2013: Having quit his job selling paintbrushes to become a comedian, Rob Auton's joke was judged a stroke of genius.

"I heard a rumour Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2012: Canadian funnyman Stewart Francis took a swipe at the Beckhams with his winning joke.

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2011: Nick Helm added a touch of Disney magic to the frustrating task of choosing a new password.

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

I didn't think it was funny which it why i said it was brutal but you crack on Sluffy 

Norpig wrote:I didn't think it was funny which it why i said it was brutal but you crack on Sluffy 

Norpig wrote:Nice to see you back Breaders even if it was brief and brutal. I'm still one of the 6 with no life 

Can't seem to find anywhere were you said that the abuse to me (and Karly) from him was completely out of order but I could find the bit that you welcomed him back though...


Nothing changes with you pal, does it - I'm always in the wrong whatever I say or do.

He got banned by Karly for his completely uncalled for ABUSIVENESS he even brought Karly's wife into it too ffs!!!

Christ he returns every year or two just to abuse me - that ISN'T normal behaviour by the way, and no doubt he will be back again doing the same thing sometime in the not so distant future too - and you are happy to see him back and pick up exactly where he left off???

Well you do what you want, you like who you like.

I'm a big boy and names on the internet don't bother me - in fact I'm more than happy to leave his posts up there so people can see what sort of a person he really is.

Karly took his last post down because of comments your mate made about Karly's wife...

If that's the type of mate you want, then feel free, I rather stay well clear of obvious unstable characters who feel the need to troll someone for years and years over something and nothing that happened about 10 years ago on a tiny, meaningless social media footy forum.

And after all of that you still have me as the bad guy on here?

Fwiw I'm well used to it by now.

I know that will never change in your eyes.

But do you believe Karly and his wife deserve the abuse they got too?

No i don't condone what Breaders said to either of you which is why i said it was brutal. I've already said i didn't think it was funny.

Yes i have been friends with him in the past and have emailed him (particularly when my Mum died, as he had worked with her many years ago) but not had contact with him for a few years. That's why i said it was nice to see him on here, nothing more than that.