Joke Thread

After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?"

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'.

The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'.

The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

A policeman knocked on my door last night and said " is this your wife's driving licence sir " I said "yes why? "
"It looks like she's been in an accident sir "
I replied " oh I know, but she's got a wonderful personality and is great with the kids"

BREAKING NEWS:

A man was admitted into hospital last night with 25 toy plastic horses inserted into his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

wanderlust wrote:BREAKING NEWS:

A man was admitted into hospital last night with 25 toy plastic horses inserted into his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

That's bad.  As is this.


Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants.

Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions.

They reached a pass where only one was able to ascend at a time. As the first man cleared the pass, he was immediately set upon by the natives. They took his large pack, pulled the large bunch of bananas out, and distributed them amongst themselves.

The natives began a strange ritual that involved shoving the bananas into their rectums and dancing about in a manner similar to the Māori Haka.

At first, the missionary was horrified by what he saw but he started to giggle and then broke into an hysterical cackle.

The dancings stopped and the leader said, "Why you laugh?"

The missionary said, "my friend is coming with pineapples!"

I can do worse.....


A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Llanelli, sir," the boy replied proudly.

"Why did you leave Llanelli ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players.

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Llanelli ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play ?''

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
hit the ball towards him.

Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Do chiropodists drink Chateau La Feet?

I was at the doctor, getting a rectal exam, and the doctor says: "At this point of the exam it is normal to get an erection". I said "I don't have an erection". The doctor says "No. But I do".

What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some arsehole's got my pen.

Oh dear.

Can you confirm you are the real Bonce?

As you've reset the bar lower than a snake's bollock...

Went to the Helium Museum yesterday.
Can't speak highly enough about the place.

Interesting fact: "T-shirt" is actually  a contraction of Tyrannosaurus Shirt.
Because of the short arms.

Went to see a property with period features yesterday.
Missus hates me calling her that.

Admins: What happened to the chiropractic joke I posted about a week back?

Finally found out what "Twerk" means.

Apparently it's where a Yorkshireman goes between the hours of 9 and 5.

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his arse?

Because change comes from within.

My doctor says I'm allergic to Rowan Atkinson.

I now have to take antimisterbeans

I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?” I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

True story this one. Paul Daniels and Debbie Magee were in Brighton one summer and on the pier there was a competition on, £1000 for the best trick. 
Paul and Debbie decided they’d enter and discussed what they would do. When it came to their turn they got up on stage and Debbie pulled down Paul’s trousers and pants and started giving him a blowy. The judge said “um Paul, this is not a trick”. Paul replied “No but it’s f**king magic”.

Think I may have won first prize for the shittest joke with this.....

A priest. a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar.

Rabbit says " I think I'm a typo".

What do the lions get for their lunch at the zoo?

Half an hour - same as the elephants.