Joke Thread

This isn't a joke. It's the Daily Fail just 22 years ago....

Sorry folks, I'm in a childish mood...

This is bad.....

WTF is going on with the images above?

Take 47....

My other grandfather always cheated at cards. But I'll tell you what, he would call a clubs a spade. 

How do you make a, koala jump.
Bam boo!

Patrick goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" The priest asks back.

"Well," Paddy starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 50 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said Paddy.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said Paddy, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." Paddy replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree,careened off a big rock and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A policeman knocked on my door last night and said " is this your wife's driving licence sir " I said "yes why? "
"It looks like she's been in an accident sir "
I replied " oh I know, but she's got a wonderful personality and is great with the kids"

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
‎
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
‎
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
‎
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
‎
"But I didn't use them."
‎
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
‎
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
‎
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
‎
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
‎
After several minutes of discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque, and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
‎
"But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00"
‎
"That's correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."
‎
"But I didn't!"
‎
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."