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Message [Page 5 of 6]
123 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Mar 18 2020, 12:16
BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Was just in Tesco and grabbed the last two loaves of bread. The old woman behind me saw there was none left and had a very sad look on her face. She looked weak & feeble so I went over and took her milk and eggs. Sorry Maureen but this is survival of the fittest.
125 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jul 25 2020, 01:18
terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
I have a good joke about the Corona Virus - Unfortunately I'm not allowed to spread it around.
126 Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jul 25 2020, 13:44
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
No laughing matter but have you seen the Where's Wally coronavirus edition?@terenceanne wrote:I have a good joke about the Corona Virus - Unfortunately I'm not allowed to spread it around.
127 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Aug 23 2020, 22:59
Sluffy
Admin
This made me laugh when the penny dropped!
I thought he was in The Corrs pic.twitter.com/iuNHJF5hDO
— shane reaction(@shane_reaction_) August 23, 2020
130 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 04 2020, 18:41
sunlight
Andy Walker
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Phaloppe.
Philippe Phaloppe.
131 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 04 2020, 18:47
sunlight
Andy Walker
Patient - Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor - I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.
Doctor - I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.
133 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 04 2020, 19:26
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
What do you call a Frenchman being mauled by a lion?
Claude.
134 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 04 2020, 19:31
sunlight
Andy Walker
It took me a minute to get that one.
135 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Sep 06 2020, 15:38
Cajunboy
El Hadji Diouf
Whats the difference between toast and Frenchmen?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
137 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Sep 21 2020, 09:15
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
You're on fire this month Sunlight.
139 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 24 2020, 17:09
MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Just got asked outside Asda by a couple of kids would I get them 20 Richmond, I reluctantly agreed, you should have heard the abuse I got, so told them, next time go buy your own bleeding sausages.
140 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 24 2020, 17:25
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
@MartinBWFC wrote:Just got asked outside Asda by a couple of kids would I get them 20 Richmond, I reluctantly agreed, you should have heard the abuse I got, so told them, next time go buy your own bleeding sausages.
141 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Sep 30 2020, 15:45
MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Just been announced that people returning from Iceland will need to self isolate for 14 days, bit harsh, I only went in for some chips.
143 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Sep 30 2020, 16:51
Sluffy
Admin
@MartinBWFC wrote:Just been announced that people returning from Iceland will need to self isolate for 14 days, bit harsh, I only went in for some chips.
Boo, get off!!!
144 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Sep 30 2020, 16:53
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
Snow White and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope. As Snow White talks to the pope, the dwarfs push Dopey in front and whisper, "Ask the question, Dopey, ask the question!" Dopey blushes, but the pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me a question?"
"Well, uhm... do you think they have nuns in Iceland?"
"Why sure", the pope goes, "I suppose there are some nuns in Iceland." But the dwarfs push Dopey in front again: "Ask the whole question, ask the whole question!" The pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me another question?"
"Yeah... do you think they have black nuns in Iceland?"
"I suppose there are some black nuns in iceland", answers the pope. "Ask the whole question, ask the whole question!" go the dwarfs. "Dopey, do you have another question for me?"
"Err, yes... do you think they have little black nuns in Iceland?"
The pope muses over this a bit, but finally decides "Nah... I really don't think they have little black nuns in Iceland."
And the dwarfs go: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Well, uhm... do you think they have nuns in Iceland?"
"Why sure", the pope goes, "I suppose there are some nuns in Iceland." But the dwarfs push Dopey in front again: "Ask the whole question, ask the whole question!" The pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me another question?"
"Yeah... do you think they have black nuns in Iceland?"
"I suppose there are some black nuns in iceland", answers the pope. "Ask the whole question, ask the whole question!" go the dwarfs. "Dopey, do you have another question for me?"
"Err, yes... do you think they have little black nuns in Iceland?"
The pope muses over this a bit, but finally decides "Nah... I really don't think they have little black nuns in Iceland."
And the dwarfs go: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
150 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 22 2020, 23:52
wanderlust
Nat Lofthouse
Boris needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
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