Joke Thread

A woman goes to the doctors and asks for sleeping pills for her husband, ''why'' asks the doctor.....''because he's woke up''

My daughter's school had decided to host a cricket match the other day, boys against girls.
After sitting there for a couple of hours waiting and watching the boys
batter the ball all over the place, the wife jumped to her feet all
excited.

"Look! Look Jim!" she squealed excitedly. "Our Jenny's come on!"

"No, love," I had to explain. "That's just a stain from rubbing the ball to make it shiny."

INTERNET WARNING

If you receive an e-mail purporting to contain a nude photo of Susan Boyle DO NOT open it!!

It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about, Abdul?” Asks the Imam.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies Abdul. “I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised – we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!”

“By the most Merciful,” exclaimed the Imam, “you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?”

Abdul grimaced, “By the Jinn, I do not know – I never found her head.”

An Arab buys a camel and he proudly decides to ride it around his local pub carpark, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
“Nice camel mate,” One of the drinkers commented, “Is it male or female?”
“It’s female!” said the Arab.
“How can you tell?” said the drinker.
“Well,” the Arab explained, “on the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out, ‘Hey, Look at the dirty, smelly cunt on that camel!”

Reebok_Rebel wrote:AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR ..

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA
AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

Hahaha

We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day.

One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying...
"No pets allowed," she turned to me and said:
"What shall we do about the pet skunk?"

I replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know."

She then asked me:
"What about the smell?"

And I said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!"

How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

WhiteBic wrote:How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

As per Jimmy Carr, it's the most outrageous stuff that stays in your memory.

A dad goes to the doctor and asks for his daughter to be put on the pill.

Doctor:- ''Is she secually active''

Dad:- ''No she just lies there like a boring cunt, like her mum''

Owen Coyle, I win best joke.

Todays game

My mate has just started a business in Afghanistan, selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

A little boy looked up at his father one day and said "Daddy, what is a pervert?"

The father looked down at his son and said quietly -
"Shut up and suck."





(On his pacifier, you pervert!)

I heard an asian man referred to as a dinge in a joke the other day, anyone heard that description before i looked it up on google but nothing

WhiteBic wrote:How do you get a gay bloke to shag a women?

I really still do not get it, read it ten times.

Al the others killed me though! lolld

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

My wife was undressing for our annual anniversary sex.

As she took off her top, she said, "You're about to release millions of sperm into my pussy, you know?"

I squirmed, "For fuck's sake love, some things are best left to the imagination."

She laughed, "Okay, sorry, I'll stop talking!"

I said, "No, I mean put your top back on."