Joke Thread

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

‘No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all f**in same.’

Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term
Irish Definition


Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday".

Nah! keep him in.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.



After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot"

She smiled happily and said ..
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and
the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI



"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."



This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.



The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.



It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.



However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
the shower.

OneFinFreedman wrote:I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

 

RETIRED MAN'S JOB

> Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
> I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
> "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
> "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f----ing advice, she'll ask me for it.

Reebok Trotter wrote:RETIRED MAN'S JOB

> Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
> I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
> "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
> "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f----ing advice, she'll ask me for it.

 

gloswhite wrote:    The  teacher asked the class to use the word  'fascinate' in a
 sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's
 farm, and  we all saw his pet sheep. It was  fascinating.'
 The teacher said,  'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 Sally raised her  hand. She  said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
 was  'fascinated.  The teacher said, 'Well, that was good  Sally, but I
 wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.
 Little Johnny  raised his hand. The  teacher hesitated  because she had been
 burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he
 could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.  Johnny said,   "My
 aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
 only fasten eight". The teacher sat down and cried.

  

First day back at school in Bolton, ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"
"Ali Son al En" , silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call .

A girl stood up and said , "Sorry, teacher . I think that's me .
It's pronounced Alison Allen."

My wifes just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has been round and injected his special resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the fucking car!!